Where we are now

Hey Everybody, It has been a while since I have sent out an update. Everyone has had alot going on so I will try to catch everyone up on how we are doing. I am not sure if I sent out a message about Corban accepting Jesus into her life or not but she did and not long after Elli's passing. It was an awesome time where she told Jess and me about how satan had told her repeatedly that Elli's death was a result of something she had done. Then, when she wasn't buying in to that anymore, it was a result of something I had done. At the end, she came to the conclusion that she loved Jesus, she knew He loved her, she was a sinner and needed His grace. We both agreed that Satan is an idiot and that He belongs in hell! Jess' face has cleared up tremendously. She has some deep scaring and also discoloration. She is still just as beautiful as ever but it still bothers her. Judah is still as rowdy as ever. I have a quick story about him. We were driving in the car, going to Corban's teacher's house for dinner one night. Corban, was digging in her nose. (she would crawl into a ball if she knew I was telling this) Anyway, she found I guess what was a sizeable amount of...well, you know...a booger and I guess proceeded to wipe it on the car seat. Well, little Judah was absolutely appauled at what his big sister was doing and told her so. He said and I quote, "Sissy, that is disgusting to wipe your boogers on the seat of the car! You should wipe them on your pans like me!". We all laughed and couldn't quit talking about how funny he is. How are we dealing with grief. Well, up until recently, not very good. I think I pretty much had what was the equivalency of a nervous breakdown near the end of last semester. Jessica informed me recently that she needed someone to talk to because I have panic attacks everytime we talk about Elli. It is easier to talk to other people about her because the conversation doesn't usually last very long. Something about talking about someone's dead child that really freaks people out! Yeah, isn't that calling the kettle black. So, I pretty much dealt with the fact that we have to talk about it. I always like everyone else to talk about their issues and feel open and I couldn't do the same. Things have been going better since we started up again. It is hard at whatever age you lose a child. As hard as it was losing Elli, to think of Corban or Judah passing seems unimagineable. Some people probably are thinking, why in the world are you talking about that. Well, one reason is, it is happening all around us. We can think of 5-10 people right now who have children struggling with disease or who have passed that we know of on a first name basis. So many people struggling with life and death. We also have friends that, what seems like a much less invasive issue, that are really struggling financially, not that we aren't among them. One of my good buddies just got laid off after he relocated from two-three states away. It seems like the foundation from under us is being ripped out. The main things, the important things in our lives are being torn away and the future isn't looking real bright unless you are looking for "Change" in a man. So far, all the talk is about color and not much about the stuff that really matters. Even he can't make up his mind who is going to pray and in what name at his big ta-do tomorrow. I am not trying to sound smugg, well, maybe just a little. But seriously, we are living in very trying times. I remember that scene in dumb and dumber when Jim Carey or the other dufus, talks about their "pets heads are falling off". We kind of feel like everything around us is falling off. And so this leads me to the point that will hopefully allow me to get some sleep. I have grown up in church. Jessica has grown up in church. Maybe it is just us, but we have learned so many things about God but on few occasions have we been in his presence among believers. When Jess was pregnant with Elli, we went to one church. Jessica really wanted the pastor to pray over us because we had been attending there for a while. When we went up at the close of the service, you know the time when decisions are supposed to be made; the pastor told his deacons to come up "quickly" so they could pray. Mind you, he had just told everyone our circumstance. And he used the word quickly. I don't know about y'all but I was like screw the beans folks, this is my wife and child we are praying about. We also went to another gathering where people got on the floor around us and wept for the life that we so desperately wanted to flourish. I guess in the end, what we have been dealing with is God's love, His plan, how do these things happen? Well, we don't have all the answers but God has been showing me some really cool stuff, grant it, I have not slept in many days now, well, not at night like normal people do. Basically, He has put me in a position to where I had no where else to turn but him. I woke up with a dream about Corban dying the other night. It woke me up from a dead sleep at 2:30. I am nothing special in the prayer department either folks. I have wanted to stay up praying but so far the only times that has happened was when he woke me up to pray for Abby and Elli. What I found is that He has been there with me all along. He has tried to talk to me before but hasn't had the opportunity. He has not been mad that I have not listened. He is just glad that I am now. He loves me inspite of the way my circumstances are, inspite of the way I see myself and the importance I place on things, jobs, security, you name it. In the end, it really isn't about me, it isn't about this life, it isn't even about a plan, it is about a person. It is about a relationship with that person. It is about communication with that person and allowing Him to come in, cast His light on those shadows from all of those hurts(the one's that seem so big because of all the darkness around). For years, I thought that I had to go through this diatribe of "forgive me for this, forgive me for that" before I could get close to Him. All along, He wasn't that concerned about the sin. Yes, I just said that. He already took care of that on the cross and I had asked Him into my heart. So, in this instance it wasn't the sin keeping me from hearing Him. I was allowing what "I" thought about God's listening to me to control my prayer life. I am not saying that sin can't hinder our prayers but it should hinder our ability "to" pray. In fact, some of the sin in my life, I didn't know was there until I got up close enough to Him to see that it was bothering me. Another thing, the things that I have seen in my moments with Him, He didn't show or point it out to me the way I thought He. He has done it in the most loving and compassionate way immagineable. So why send out a blustering email about prayer. Well, Jess and I need it for one. If we know so many people hurting, I would assume you do too. If we have to hurt in this life, I would prefer it not to be in vain and that I learn as much from it as possible. So far, I have learned less about the why's of losing a child and why parents have to go through that stuff. So far, I have learned some of what I have been taught already. That God does care and very much so. I am not in this alone but that He doesn't force himself on anyone. We have to invite him. We are in this world not of it. While God does micromanage every detail of our lives, He will take the most of every circumstance and detail and work it for our advantage when we love Him-period. But because He is not of this world, things don't always make "our kind" of sense. The book I am reading describes us as being in a matrix. We are in this world, we live in our society and have to deal in it. God doesn't have to play by our rules and therefore we don't understand everything that happens. It is a power struggle and we need all the help we can get and we have it- we just have to ask for it. I hope everyone is doing well and that this helps somebody in some way if you are at all dealing with things that don't make "our kind" of sense. We love you all and thank you for your prayers. Some days are good and some are bad. We are learning to ask Him to walk beside us, even though He is already there, put one foot out and walk with His help. He already knows He is there for us, we are the one's that keep forgetting. Goodnight! Jeremiah, Jessica, Corban, Judah and Eliana(9/3/08) Hutcherson Pink, Nina and Melody too:)