How are we? September 19, 2008

Hello,
So, what do you say to someone who just lost a child? Well, heck if we know. "God needs another angel..........She is so much better off in heaven?". Those don't really aren't the worst things to say but they don't really comfort either. We realzie both of those realities. We know this in our spirit but we still have the flesh to contend with and wish to hold our little girl. We have a number of friends who are pregnant or who have just had babies. So, what do you say to someone who has just lost a child when you have just had a baby or are about to deliver? I can tell you what I feel about that.
When I saw Shawn and Esther Lowery's baby, Nazhoni, I praised God for such a beautiful gift. I wanted to know how much she weighed, how long she was, was she as loud and squirley as her mommy? Will she act like she is shooting arrows at me, like her mommy does? (For those of you that don't know, Esther is Sioux Indian) All this to say, we are so excited to hear about everyone's babies doing well!! If anyone has a baby that is healthy or sick, we want to know, we want to PRAY!!
Probably the hardest thing about losing a baby, is the silence. I honestly wouldn't know what to say to someone else who lost a child either. Everyone handles stuff differently. However, everyone is proud of their children and we want to brag and tell how wonderful they are...... So, from us, here are a few suggestions that may help anyone who has a friend that is facing a pregnancy with a congenital disease or had lost a child:
If it was a miscarriage:
Ask the mom or dad what they think their child would have looked like. Probably one of the hardest things is feeling like your child matters to everyone else, he/she definitely matters to you and other people care about you, when silence-as a whole takes precedence- it can seem like no one is interested. We haven't had a miscarriage so this is a little out of our league but...... People are usually interested but it is just hard to know what to say. If I say too much or say the wrong thing......if you don't know what to say, simply say that.
If the baby dies at birth:
What do you normally do with babies? Ask how much he/she weighs, looks like, how long, how much hair......... There will be moments when we cry but usually it is so random and not over anything anyone says in particular. Everyone wants to help and comfort, one way that has helped us is when people have encouraged us to talk about Elli. All parents, like I said before, like to talk about their children. Sometimes, since Elli's passing, we have felt a range of emotions but we weren't sure exactly what we were feeling. Sometimes what is on our face doesn't really reflect what we are feeling on the inside. Questions have really helped us grieve. Honestly, we have not had any bad experiences with anyone. But we realize how awkward it must be for everyone that loves us, so, hopefully this will help everyone out. Prayer: so many times we know we are being held up by prayer, really. I used to tell people I was praying for them, and I would but wasn't sure exactly how. I guess the first obstacle for me was realizing that there is a battle between the flesh and spirit. It is amazing how I can be caught up in the Spirit and my body be so tired and weary and it feels like a weight is on my chest and back. I am telling you this and Jess is the one that is dealing with all of the physical aspects that are minute by minute reminders of the loss we are facing.
So, I can't leave on a dreary and depressing note. That just wouldn't be me. So, I will tell you about something that happened when Elli was here that God showed me the other day...... It eased one of the most pressing hurts in my heart. When Jess and I got married, Jess and I wanted to elope instead of having a wedding. However, we could not get past the point that Jess' dad needed to walk her down the aisle. It was as important for me as it was for Jess, eventhough I didn't know for sure that I would have a daughter. Anyway, one of the worst things for me has been the fact that I haven't been able to dance with Elli and I would never get to give her away at her wedding.
Well, check this out. About 45 minutes before Elli passed, Shane, my best man and the best funeral preacher ever!!!!! (Can I get an AMEN?) (I hear ya!) Anyway, he suggested that since we had dedicated Corban and Judah to the Lord, why should we do anything any differently with Elli. Honestly, I had been thinking about it all day long but was so concerned with Jess and the kids getting to hold and getting pictures that I kept forgetting about it, but not my brother Shane. Not long after Shane prayed an amazing, tear evoking, Christ centered, Spirit led prayer, Elli's physical appearance began to change. To those of us who haven't seen alot of death, it looked like things might be changing- not sure how, her diagnosis hadn't changed. What God brought to my attention is that about the time Shane was praying, as Corban was holding her and Jess and I were at her side, I was next to my daughter on the biggest day of her short life. She went straight from our loving arms to the loving arms of the bridegroom! It was only a short time after the dedication that she passed. So, in reality, I did get to walk my daughter down the aisle. It doesn't mean that I don't hurt but c'mon, how can you be sad when you think about something as awesome as that.
God is so amazing and good! He loves us all so dearly. The hardest thing is getting past all this world has taught us and walking in the faith that He gives us. Sooner or later, the bottom of this life will fall out and the only way to walk or stand will not be with our feet. A dear friend of mine shared this song with me the other night and I cannot quit listening to it. I love music and it ministers to me sometimes when nothing else seems to get through. I hope you like it too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4KiGN1j1No
We are getting thank you cards out to everyone.....there is no way a card can thank everyone for all the ways you have blessed us! However, the cards we have received, they have been amazing and the scripture and thought behind them has ministered to us! Kind of an oxymoron, huh? Anyone that knows me gets it :)

didn't spell check this one either, sorry! :)