Precious Moments September 8, 2008

Monday, September 08, 2008
Precious Moments Current mood: awake
Family, Not everyone knows what all transpired on Wednesday, so we thought we would send out an email letting everyone know. Elli was born at 7:59am. After she was born her color wasn't very good. They announced it was a baby girl......kind of hard not to cry over that one. Dr. Condrey started giving her oxygen to help her out. She was making a kind of wimpering sound which was music to our ears. Dr. Bruton was still working on Jess so Dr. Condrey moved Elli closer to her and as soon as her color was a little better, doc put Elli up next to Jess' face. They unstrapped one of Jess' hands so that she could touch her. After a moment, we took Elli to the nursery to confirm her diagnosis. In the nursery, "Pink" was the order. For those at the funeral that didn't have a clue about that order.....it was given to keep her color good until she got to Jess. Dr. C said her heart was beating strongly and her respirations, though labored, were very good for a baby at her gestational stage. A sonographer came in and took images of Elli's kidneys. Shortly thereafter, Nurse Mickey and I took Elli to see mommy in recovery. Jess got to hold her and cuddle her. While there, we got a call that Dr. Hall, from Children's, was on the webcam and ready to look at the ultrasound images. So, we took her back to the nursery. Dr. Hall confirmed that the diagnosis was correct and that we were making right decisions. He commended and rightfully so, the care that everyone was giving Elli and suggested that they put an umbilical line in to give her medicine as need to make sure she was comfortable. Dr. Condrey told Jennifer(our precious photographer!!) and I that there were no nerve endings in the umbilical chord, so Elli didn't feel a thing and would never have to be pricked with a needle. What an amazing blessing. In the nursery, from the time of the confirmation of diagnosis until she got to Jess, it seemed like forever. Our situation was a little different than the Smith's but it did take longer to get Elli into Jess. Between 11:00-11:30, Elli was brought to mommy and Jess was able to hold her little girl again. Throughout the day, Corban and Judah held her and family members as well. As it got closer to 4 her respirations were slowing and her heart rate was weakening. Our brother, Shane, came in and offered to offer Elli up in dedication. All of Elli's family was there. Nurse Mickey was there and I was told that Dr. Bruton even happened to be there, a blessig for us. Shane offered up one of the sweetest and most delicate prayers anyone could, cause that's Shane and he lets the Holy Spirit lead him. So, she was dedicated back to God. Tears were in fresh supply! At about 4:10, Grandma Ange listened to her chest and wasn't able to hear a heartbeat. She let Nurse Mickey know and she came to verify. Dr. Condrey was called and quickly came to confirm time of death. Corban picked out a onesie for little sis to wear. Nurse Mickey took Elli's body to the nursery and dressed her for us and held her as well, God bless Mickey and her compassion- she was definitely Spirit filled and is spilled over bountifully!! They brought her body back and Corban and Grandma dressed her up in accessories. These were some of the sweetest pictures we have. Corban was giddy and so happy to help take care of her lil' sister. We had family time with Grammy and Papa. Then, Jess and I were left for a while. Later that evening, Uncle Mikey and Grandpa Tom came back. Aunt Beth came to see us. After everyone had left, Jess and I had time to hold Elli's body and we cried. We tried to memorize every little inch of her cute face and thanked Jesus for the time we had with her! At about 10:00 pm, the wonderful lady from the funeral home, Holly, came in and sat down with us. She answered questions for us and was so sweet. She told us what she needed, Elli's clothing and stuff. Holly told us to take some more time with her body. She had to fill out paperwork and about 45 minutes later she came back....the time we were dreading. I have never hurt in my heart so badly seeing my wife having to let go of that girl she fought so hard to care for knowing her breast would soon be ready to nurse that little girl and she was about to leave us, or her body anyway. So Holly waited until Jess handed her the body. I had to go back for one more kiss and then she wheeled the little crib out of our room. Our hearts sank pretty much. We knew in our spirits that she was in the arms of Jesus and He was caring for her better than we could but......the flesh is weak. So, the flesh is a death sentence not to be gotten out of without a cost. They came in shortly there after and drugged Jess pretty well. Until it kicked in we cried and layed there together and lived out our vows....for better or for worse....this seemed like the worst we had endured so far. I am sure Jess will send out a message soon, as she gets a chance to process but for now I will share with you what happened to me the next morning. I woke up at 5:30 and could not go back to sleep. God does that to me and that was the last thing I wanted to do, be awake. But, let me tell you. Our God rocked me gently. He showed me some things I had been hanging onto that I needed to let go of. My character and love for my girls has been under question recently, which is especially hurtful given my childhood circumstances. The Holy Spirit entered that room the day before and whether or not He left and returned, it didn't matter because I welcomed Him and begged to sit in God Almight's lap. That is just what happened! I started crying and couldn't stop. I went to the bathroom because I didn't want to wake Jess up. I cried so hard, it felt like my head was going to explode but I knew it would be okay. The faith that Corban had was rising up in me, not of my own doing but definitely by the same author. I told God that it hurt so bad to see our little girl leave the room...... You know what His response was? I know. He told me that everytime someone chooses not to believe in Him, it is pretty much the same thing......His child is leaving the room never to return. As a father or mother, we now understand that pain. Who are we that we should not endure what Christ has afterall, isn't that who we are wanting to be like. All this to say, as bad as it hurt...I was not alone in that room. For those that think, Jeremiah and Jessica are strong, please know, we are amazingly strong but it isn't us. It is the presence of One much greater than us. Someone whose love is so amazing, even after we lost our child, He still does little things to let us know that He is there and knows our pain. Some of the things may seem like "happenstance" but we know better. We are so favored and we have a glory that is so amazing but it is a glory that comes from above. That little heart on my t-shirt, that is one of many things that the Lord has done to embrace us. If you don't know Jesus.....we pray that you will allow Him to open the door of your heart and lead you. This life is full of pain and uncertainty. But from experience, when He comes down and comforts you......it is so unexplainable....it soothes a heart that has just lost the opportunity on earth, to dance with his daughter, to kiss her goodnight, and to tell her he will beat boys up if the mess with her. I will never walk Elli down the aisle to get married but with the help of my brother Shane and all our family, we walked her down the aisle and blessed her little life and her true Father came to get her. I am a father blessed to know that my little girl is not in that cold grave tonight out in the middle of nowhere, she is listening to the same heartbeat we are......the heartbeat of God. God bless and please continue to lift us up. I know you all will because you love us. This is the song from Elli's funeral too. The first part breaks our heart and reminds us of our flesh, the second reminds us of who we were meant to be and what we are truly meant to do......be in the arms of God. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o p.s. I did not check for typos, I just wrote. :)