Late night ramblings of a crazy man November 14, 2008

"Most people get stuck at some point because God appears to have abandoned them. He is not coming through. Speaking about her life with a mixture of disappointment and cynicism, a young woman recently said to me, "God is rather silent right now." Yes, it's been awful. I don't discount that for a moment. She is unloved; she unemployed; she is under a lot. But her attitude strikes me as deeply naive, on the level of someone caught in a cross fire who asks, rather shocked and with a sense of betrayal, "God, why don't you make them stop firing at me?" I'm sorry, but that's not where are right now. It's not where we are in the Story. That day is coming, later, when the lion shall lay down with the lamb and we'll beat swords into plowshares. For now, it is bloody battle."
"Waking the Dead" -John Eldredge
Let me try to recount the things that make us feel forgotten....we got married-that cause alot of things to change. My family basically dumped us. We lost everything but our jobs, it can always be worse can't it? We filed bankruptcy. Jess had a crazy stalker guy, that cut holes in the floor of our appartment and placed microphones in it. Little Abigail Steer was born with a whopping brain tumor. We started back to school. We found a really good school for me to go to and Jess decided to take a break and spend some time with the kids. We got moved, settled in and not long thereafter found out we were expecting another child. We found out the baby had a rare kidney disease. We prayed for healing. It didn't happen. She was born. She was beautiful. She was a "she", for those that didn't know(the dr.s never could tell her sex in utero). Three days after we welcomed her, we burried her.
I am sure there were some other things that happened in the mix that were/are quite nerve wracking but at this aweful hour of the morning they seem to have escaped me. --Oh yeah, Jess has this strange skin condition that is finally starting to give way to a little relief at last.-- Anyway, we later found out Elli's disease wasn't the kidney disease we had once thought it was, rather, it was a flip of a sequence in her DNA, something that might possibly be passed down to other children. Then we found out it wasn't going to be passed only to fnd out again that can be but it is a slim chance, confusing I know. Then, to top things off, my grandmother ends up with breast cancer. Some of these things popped up within weeks of eachother. So, that is our last eight years wrapped up into one ball of wax. I wish I could say that everyone else's life was much better and filled with less drama.
I have not been sleeping well at all. Jess has been, by the grace of God. And it is truly by his grace because all of the stuff she has been on can interefere with sleep among other things. But back to what I was saying. Many of us are so downtrodden right now. We are beat up, shoved around, tired, hungry, neglected, thirsty, grieving....the list goes on and on. All of these things woven together make for one terrible blanket to wrap ourselves in each morning, noon and night.
In today's world we are constantly taught that things are not what they have seemed for years. Right is well, we don't really know what in the hell it is anymore, sorry for the word but- that is what most people think. In our society, Darwinianism has taken presidence over any ideas of God having anything to do with creation. With all we know about carbon dating, or what we think we know, we just about have things figured out. My opinion only, alot of this could have been averted by well meaning people indocrinating other's based on their beliefs, right or wrong. Instead of leading them into a relationship, they led them forward strangled them is more like it bound them with the restraints from which we were supposed to be free. I don't have to go on and on about what things are going on in this world. Whether we all believe the same or not, things are changing for Americans like they never have before in our lifetime. Whether we agree or not on faith and what lies beyong the unseen, most of us would likely agree that there are good and bad things that happen in this life. No matter how you slice atoms and explain the physical, it doesn't explain how these things good or bad things happen. Science only tells part of the story.
What I am about to say might seem harsh at first. But please stick with me.... Tonight has been a very rough night for Jess. She went to a PTA meeting to give her time for the benefit of her own child. Fact of the matter is, she would've done it for anyones child. She spent most of the night alone making little Indian and Pilrim outfits out of paper grocery bags. It really wasn't an escape from the world of isolation with a 3 year old because everyone there spoke Spanish, no joke. (not that that is a bad thing.....) When she got home she was basically- useless for lack of a better word. She is anything but useless. What I mean by that word is simply this- she has been attacked to the "nth" degree and she needs help. She doesn't need a doctor, she doesn't need me to fix anything(eventhough I have in my "maleness" tried to think of things I could say or do to make it better), she doesn't need anyone else to come rescue her. Sometimes, you get so low things seem so surreal, so.....empty and meaningless. Sometimes, we just want to throw in the towel and say God, I either get that you are out there and you love me and I just don't feel it or I wonder if you really are there? And, if He is indeed there, why the heck doesn't he present Himself and rescue us? Afterall, isn't that what we think of God as, a rescuer in a time of need; someone we can thank politely when things are going good and someone we can blame things on when they are not?
If you don't know the story of Job, you have truly missed an icredible story. Whether you believe in God or not. It is about a man who, is caught between a fierce battle between God and satan. Satan wants Job to curse God, so he goes to God and asks Him for permission to afflict Job with many horrible things. God asks satan if he has considered his servant Job. It is like Job is sitting there minding his own business, his kids are footloose and fancy free, partying and having a good ole time, but Job is steady as the day. And there God is, "Have you considered my servant Job?". What the heck? I mean, maybe if God hadn't asked satan if he had considered Job, quite possibly Job would have gotten by unscathed or would he? None of those questions really matter you see, because as the story moves on, satan send a terrible slew of things Job's way. It happened whether Job liked it or not. In the end, God redeems Job and makes up for things, on this earth, that Job had lost. There were two things that satan couldn't take away from Job. At God's command satan was not allowed to take Job's life and the other was his faith.
In my lame attempt at an interpretation, God had a different perspective. God saw the story still unfolding, when Job felt it was all closing in and going to hell. God allowed certain bad things to come Job's way but he also made provisions for Job's redemption. He made a way.
So, while I am useless to even comfort my wife, while she seems useless with grief, despair and sheer exhaustion....God has not forgotten her. He hasn't forgotten any of us. The film is still rolling. The characters, while they may seem whiley and useless, in essence, they are not because they are all dancing as long as the coreographer gives them a move to make.
We have a sign that hangs up in our doorway. It quotes a scripture from Joshua that says, "As for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord". Dear friends, many of you who will read this believe in some supernatural being. You may not know His name. You may not think it is worth you while. I hope that you will take the time to at least ask some questions. Why did Job keep going? Why did he not curse a God that allowed horrible things to happen to him? What was the purpose of the whole thing?
For me, I have a real-life Job laying in bed right now. Actually, I am priviledged to share a home with a couple of them. They aren't flashy, to the world anyway. They will never be famous or be world renown. They will never fix all the problems with our economy or "spread the wealth". :) What they do keep doing is the same thing Job did. They act on the faith that someone, greater than them, has given them. They realize that right now, we aren't at the part in the story when all things are made right and completely justified. They realize that their hope is yet to come and is not of this world. They also realize that as good as things are in this world, they are nothing in comparison to the world that is yet to come. It is nothing in comparison to whom and with Whom we will share it with.
I have no idea if this will offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. If it does, it certainly was not my intention to do so. I really had no agenda in writing this at all. I was frustrated and hurting for my beautiful wife. I didn't even know what I was going to write when I sat down. I hope you all are having a blessed week. I hope everyone finds even a little piece of what Jessica has come to know. Though it seems empty, dark and cold right now, one day we will be at that part in the story.

God bless,
Jeremiah
As always, I didn't proof-read this.