Second letter to Elli October 7, 2008

Little Elli,
I had imagined, when we first found out about your kidneys, that it would be difficult to lose a child. I never imagined that it would hurt, physically, as bad as this does. It seems like dads are supposed to not really feel anything. Well, it isn't the case.
I said I didn't want to have any regrets on the day you were born. I can't even think straight to type you something that makes sense. I keep listening to this same song over and over again. It talks about the world falling out from underneath and being found in Jesus. I so wish I could be at that point but at this moment I am just not feeling it. I know my mood will change and my hurt will ease for a little bit but I will be at this point again.
You look so much like Corban. It is shitty thing to have to live through. I never wanted to outlive one of my children. Mommy and I were talking the other day about how weird it is that mommy still looks pregnant. What do we have to show.....not our little baby. We so wished we could have brought you back home with us and cuddled you. We wished we could have heard you cry to the point that we just wanted an hour to rest.
It is amazing how attached to this flesh we can be sometimes. Your mommy put a blanket in with you because she didn't want your body to be cold. I thought, to myself, it is still fall in the South and she will be hot. With Winter approaching, I think about you little body being cold. It is such a twisted feeling to leave on of your kids in the ground and that to be "normal". Then to have to drive away. Not to be able to visit everyday, it seems like such a sucky thing. Had you lived, we would have not let you go without anything you needed but now we have to leave your body there...waiting.
What I wouldn't give to feel your little cheeks again. What your mommy wouldn't give to feel you silky hair again. What your sissy wouldn't give to dress you up, give you a bottle, change a diaper or give you a kiss. She looks at your pictures often and doesn't say anything for a little while. She usually opens up and talks but I think she knows exactly what mommy and daddy are going through.
Your big brother sure has been a lover since you were here. He is all the time telling us he loves us and giving big hugs and kisses. You even rocked Judah's world...and we thought he did all the "rocking". lol.
I know God won't let this go without redeeming the circumstances. If it weren't for that, your mommy, big sissy and bubby, I would just a soon be with you. I know this is just a moment and moments pass, for now, I wish the ache would ease just a little.
Love you,
Daddy