Sleepless Night and much thought.....May 21, 2008

Well, some of you already know but for those of you who don't and those that actually read these things.....we had the ultrasound today. We went in hoping to find out the sex of the new baby and instead got a devastating wake up call. After the ultrasound, the doctor met with us to discuss what they saw. He started out by telling us that the baby wasn't normal. We kind of laughed and thought, what else is new- I didn't know it was possible for me to contribute to a normal offspring. But he wasn't kidding and now we look at the possibility of the unknown.
Most everyone knows I am a professing Christian. Most everyone knows I am not Orthodox in the sense that I don't pretend to be perfect or have everything figured out- I mean I have almost everything figured out....lol. One thing I have learned about God the last year is that being a Christian is not a free ticket out of life's hardships. Life happens to everyone. Getting saved, or accepting Christ as our Saviour, doesn't rescue us from the effects of sin or the consequences on earth. It does pardon us in the sense of eternity but why should we be excluded from difficulties as if we are some elite or better than others because we are saved. Also, I don't think that every bad thing that happens is a direct result of something bad we have done. I grew up feeling that way. I made an off the cuff comment about a why couldn't Judah be the one born "mute". Anyone who has spent time with him knows that would be handy at times. Of course I don't want him to be mute, I guess there was this underlying sense that things aren't right with the baby we are having.....or things won't be textbook like we have experienced with our children so far. I don't think I am claravoiant(or however the hell you spell it)- I just have had a sense that something was coming.
I guess my only selfish wish is that we would at least get to hold the baby. Even more selfish, I hope that this little baby doesn't hurt. Even more painful is the dissapointment I know Corban will have because she wanted a baby sister so badly. I know she will be okay, she has us and we shoot straight with her and love her and God knows she has come to lover herself- how else would one of my children exist.....she is just as vain as I am. She will probably end up trying to console little Judah who is clueless, what a little mother hen.
Anyway, enough rambling I guess. This is kind of like cheap therapy. I wish everyone else would write more of these so that I could see into everyone else's psyche. Maybe one of these days I will really open up and release some wicked/twisted emotional turmoil.....until then......