Saline, crying and new beginnings......

This is Corban's artwork from a month or so ago:)

I hardly know where to begin. One of the strangest things that has come upon Jess and me, is the desire to do something to help others. In a society that is increasingly bent on pleasing the individual, we are wondering just how much the individual is truly being valued in light of an overwhelming onslaught of hidden agendas. Today, we heard on the radio that it is the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Also, an executive order was signed to undo what President George W. Bush did in halting the funding of abortions to foreign nations.

As you can imagine, this hit home for Jessica and me. Our economy is shot and we have alot on our plate as a nation and "we" are worrying about funding abortions to other nations. To me, and I do get excited, it is like not only saying okay but encouraging genocide through infantile homicide(infanticide). Now, whatever you take is on abortion, please don't stop reading this yet.

What is more disturbing than anything about abortion to us.......is the women that have them. Most often they are young, scared, and hardly have anyone to talk to. They feel like their is no way out of a situation they find themselves in. We have all found ourselves in a situation, whether the circumstances be the same or not, that we need rescuing from-one that without a help we will likely perish. This may be spiritual or physical.

As I read the link attached, I read about a woman who had saline solution placed in her womb to "rid" her of her situation. Let me tell you how I see this. A woman goes in, scared, feeling like a failure, LONELY. She is told that what she is doing is right and best for her. She is given the saline solution. Later that day, the doctor leaves, more than likely a man. He has a nurse on staff. This poor girl goes and wakes the nurse to ask her question and she is basically "shhhh'd" to go back and go through delivery herself, alone. What she expects is tissue, what she finds she has done is delivered a baby. Now, if they couldn't be there for her during the abortion, who the heck is going to be there with her afterwards? Emotionally? Physically?

What I find so appauling is not necessarily the abortion themselves. You know my value for life. But what about the life left behind? Who cares for these ladies? Who do they talk to when they come to the realization that it was, in fact, truly a child-- a child that would want to be tucked in to bed and be read bedtime stories, a child that would fall and scrape his/her knees and need a simple kiss to fix it.

I have done more research into this person in particular. She is AMAZING. One of her saying is, "If abortion is about womens right, then what were mine?". Pretty impressive, huh? What is also amazing is the fact that when she finally meets her birth mother, she forgives her and thanks her. She is appreciative for her dissability. What does she get from her mother.......very little. Why? Because she knows what she did was wrong. But, she is hurting. She went in expecting release and what she found was bondage.

This blog is not intended to condemn, throw blame at, or hurt anyone. It is intended to recognize the right that all mothers are special. They deserve the right to carry, deliver and nurture their children. If it is beyond their means, they deserve the right to find that child a home that will bless them. The Word says, "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them....(children-sons in this particular passage)" Psalm 127:5

If you have had an abortion and would like to share your story, please feel free to share it with me or Jessica. We would love to hear your story, listen to your pain, and pray with you. The amazing thing about our Saviour, is that He came to "bind up the broken hearted". He loves you just the same as He did before you lost your child. There is no condemnation in Him unless you reject Him. Salvation and forgiveness, for that matter, are gifts. Gifts are meant to be accepted.

Jessica's email: jkyleen1981@yahoo.com Jeremiah's email: j77walker@hotmail.com

This is the link for the story of Gianna Jessen: http://joseromia.tripod.com/gianna.html

If you have the opportunity, go to http://www.youtube.com/ and search her name. It is amazing to see how she is using the life that God spared and also to see the disdain with which she is treated by the media, in some situations.

Jeremiah

Sick, bruised, and burning cereal sticks.....

So, last night we put the kids in bed. Judah wanted to sleep with Corban and she said "okay", so he climbed in bed with her. Well, he did something to hurt her at some point, something to do with pinching her arm. Well, I guess Corban got fed up because the next thing we knew, Judah was screaming and it was a scream that sounded like something was wrong. I went into their room and he was standing there, hardly able to breathe, and holding his eye. I pulled his hand down to look at it and the poor guy definitely hit something when he fell out of the bed. He has the same little viral bug we all have had and as usual it is lodged in his respiratory tract with great enthusiasm. He coughed all night long, inspite of benadryl and his inhaler. It was a long night for Jess. I had taken benadryl myself to quit coughing so I would sleep well, so I was pretty much out of it and slept good, poor Jess!

So, today, I get home from class to eat some lunch and I walk in and it smeels like smoke. This morning before I left, I grabbed a box of cereal and noticed these little "cereal straws" were still in the pantry. I knew the kids would most likely ravage them if they were in sight and well, I was right. When I asked Jess what the smoke was coming from she proceed to tell me the following: "Your son*in that stren tone*", somehow I knew she was going to say that, "let me just tell you this, by the time I got to the microwave....the time on it was 36:24 and counting down". I gave my usual look and she said, "yes, he decided to cook a cereal straw". He told Jess, "I wanted it warm mommy, why can I not use the microwave anymore?".

So, now, he is running around with a sweatshirt on, red and green "Lightning McQueen" socks on his footies, and eating an apple. Just a day in the life the Hutcherson household. Thanks for stopping by.

Where we are now

Hey Everybody, It has been a while since I have sent out an update. Everyone has had alot going on so I will try to catch everyone up on how we are doing. I am not sure if I sent out a message about Corban accepting Jesus into her life or not but she did and not long after Elli's passing. It was an awesome time where she told Jess and me about how satan had told her repeatedly that Elli's death was a result of something she had done. Then, when she wasn't buying in to that anymore, it was a result of something I had done. At the end, she came to the conclusion that she loved Jesus, she knew He loved her, she was a sinner and needed His grace. We both agreed that Satan is an idiot and that He belongs in hell! Jess' face has cleared up tremendously. She has some deep scaring and also discoloration. She is still just as beautiful as ever but it still bothers her. Judah is still as rowdy as ever. I have a quick story about him. We were driving in the car, going to Corban's teacher's house for dinner one night. Corban, was digging in her nose. (she would crawl into a ball if she knew I was telling this) Anyway, she found I guess what was a sizeable amount of...well, you know...a booger and I guess proceeded to wipe it on the car seat. Well, little Judah was absolutely appauled at what his big sister was doing and told her so. He said and I quote, "Sissy, that is disgusting to wipe your boogers on the seat of the car! You should wipe them on your pans like me!". We all laughed and couldn't quit talking about how funny he is. How are we dealing with grief. Well, up until recently, not very good. I think I pretty much had what was the equivalency of a nervous breakdown near the end of last semester. Jessica informed me recently that she needed someone to talk to because I have panic attacks everytime we talk about Elli. It is easier to talk to other people about her because the conversation doesn't usually last very long. Something about talking about someone's dead child that really freaks people out! Yeah, isn't that calling the kettle black. So, I pretty much dealt with the fact that we have to talk about it. I always like everyone else to talk about their issues and feel open and I couldn't do the same. Things have been going better since we started up again. It is hard at whatever age you lose a child. As hard as it was losing Elli, to think of Corban or Judah passing seems unimagineable. Some people probably are thinking, why in the world are you talking about that. Well, one reason is, it is happening all around us. We can think of 5-10 people right now who have children struggling with disease or who have passed that we know of on a first name basis. So many people struggling with life and death. We also have friends that, what seems like a much less invasive issue, that are really struggling financially, not that we aren't among them. One of my good buddies just got laid off after he relocated from two-three states away. It seems like the foundation from under us is being ripped out. The main things, the important things in our lives are being torn away and the future isn't looking real bright unless you are looking for "Change" in a man. So far, all the talk is about color and not much about the stuff that really matters. Even he can't make up his mind who is going to pray and in what name at his big ta-do tomorrow. I am not trying to sound smugg, well, maybe just a little. But seriously, we are living in very trying times. I remember that scene in dumb and dumber when Jim Carey or the other dufus, talks about their "pets heads are falling off". We kind of feel like everything around us is falling off. And so this leads me to the point that will hopefully allow me to get some sleep. I have grown up in church. Jessica has grown up in church. Maybe it is just us, but we have learned so many things about God but on few occasions have we been in his presence among believers. When Jess was pregnant with Elli, we went to one church. Jessica really wanted the pastor to pray over us because we had been attending there for a while. When we went up at the close of the service, you know the time when decisions are supposed to be made; the pastor told his deacons to come up "quickly" so they could pray. Mind you, he had just told everyone our circumstance. And he used the word quickly. I don't know about y'all but I was like screw the beans folks, this is my wife and child we are praying about. We also went to another gathering where people got on the floor around us and wept for the life that we so desperately wanted to flourish. I guess in the end, what we have been dealing with is God's love, His plan, how do these things happen? Well, we don't have all the answers but God has been showing me some really cool stuff, grant it, I have not slept in many days now, well, not at night like normal people do. Basically, He has put me in a position to where I had no where else to turn but him. I woke up with a dream about Corban dying the other night. It woke me up from a dead sleep at 2:30. I am nothing special in the prayer department either folks. I have wanted to stay up praying but so far the only times that has happened was when he woke me up to pray for Abby and Elli. What I found is that He has been there with me all along. He has tried to talk to me before but hasn't had the opportunity. He has not been mad that I have not listened. He is just glad that I am now. He loves me inspite of the way my circumstances are, inspite of the way I see myself and the importance I place on things, jobs, security, you name it. In the end, it really isn't about me, it isn't about this life, it isn't even about a plan, it is about a person. It is about a relationship with that person. It is about communication with that person and allowing Him to come in, cast His light on those shadows from all of those hurts(the one's that seem so big because of all the darkness around). For years, I thought that I had to go through this diatribe of "forgive me for this, forgive me for that" before I could get close to Him. All along, He wasn't that concerned about the sin. Yes, I just said that. He already took care of that on the cross and I had asked Him into my heart. So, in this instance it wasn't the sin keeping me from hearing Him. I was allowing what "I" thought about God's listening to me to control my prayer life. I am not saying that sin can't hinder our prayers but it should hinder our ability "to" pray. In fact, some of the sin in my life, I didn't know was there until I got up close enough to Him to see that it was bothering me. Another thing, the things that I have seen in my moments with Him, He didn't show or point it out to me the way I thought He. He has done it in the most loving and compassionate way immagineable. So why send out a blustering email about prayer. Well, Jess and I need it for one. If we know so many people hurting, I would assume you do too. If we have to hurt in this life, I would prefer it not to be in vain and that I learn as much from it as possible. So far, I have learned less about the why's of losing a child and why parents have to go through that stuff. So far, I have learned some of what I have been taught already. That God does care and very much so. I am not in this alone but that He doesn't force himself on anyone. We have to invite him. We are in this world not of it. While God does micromanage every detail of our lives, He will take the most of every circumstance and detail and work it for our advantage when we love Him-period. But because He is not of this world, things don't always make "our kind" of sense. The book I am reading describes us as being in a matrix. We are in this world, we live in our society and have to deal in it. God doesn't have to play by our rules and therefore we don't understand everything that happens. It is a power struggle and we need all the help we can get and we have it- we just have to ask for it. I hope everyone is doing well and that this helps somebody in some way if you are at all dealing with things that don't make "our kind" of sense. We love you all and thank you for your prayers. Some days are good and some are bad. We are learning to ask Him to walk beside us, even though He is already there, put one foot out and walk with His help. He already knows He is there for us, we are the one's that keep forgetting. Goodnight! Jeremiah, Jessica, Corban, Judah and Eliana(9/3/08) Hutcherson Pink, Nina and Melody too:)

Late night ramblings of a crazy man November 14, 2008

"Most people get stuck at some point because God appears to have abandoned them. He is not coming through. Speaking about her life with a mixture of disappointment and cynicism, a young woman recently said to me, "God is rather silent right now." Yes, it's been awful. I don't discount that for a moment. She is unloved; she unemployed; she is under a lot. But her attitude strikes me as deeply naive, on the level of someone caught in a cross fire who asks, rather shocked and with a sense of betrayal, "God, why don't you make them stop firing at me?" I'm sorry, but that's not where are right now. It's not where we are in the Story. That day is coming, later, when the lion shall lay down with the lamb and we'll beat swords into plowshares. For now, it is bloody battle."
"Waking the Dead" -John Eldredge
Let me try to recount the things that make us feel forgotten....we got married-that cause alot of things to change. My family basically dumped us. We lost everything but our jobs, it can always be worse can't it? We filed bankruptcy. Jess had a crazy stalker guy, that cut holes in the floor of our appartment and placed microphones in it. Little Abigail Steer was born with a whopping brain tumor. We started back to school. We found a really good school for me to go to and Jess decided to take a break and spend some time with the kids. We got moved, settled in and not long thereafter found out we were expecting another child. We found out the baby had a rare kidney disease. We prayed for healing. It didn't happen. She was born. She was beautiful. She was a "she", for those that didn't know(the dr.s never could tell her sex in utero). Three days after we welcomed her, we burried her.
I am sure there were some other things that happened in the mix that were/are quite nerve wracking but at this aweful hour of the morning they seem to have escaped me. --Oh yeah, Jess has this strange skin condition that is finally starting to give way to a little relief at last.-- Anyway, we later found out Elli's disease wasn't the kidney disease we had once thought it was, rather, it was a flip of a sequence in her DNA, something that might possibly be passed down to other children. Then we found out it wasn't going to be passed only to fnd out again that can be but it is a slim chance, confusing I know. Then, to top things off, my grandmother ends up with breast cancer. Some of these things popped up within weeks of eachother. So, that is our last eight years wrapped up into one ball of wax. I wish I could say that everyone else's life was much better and filled with less drama.
I have not been sleeping well at all. Jess has been, by the grace of God. And it is truly by his grace because all of the stuff she has been on can interefere with sleep among other things. But back to what I was saying. Many of us are so downtrodden right now. We are beat up, shoved around, tired, hungry, neglected, thirsty, grieving....the list goes on and on. All of these things woven together make for one terrible blanket to wrap ourselves in each morning, noon and night.
In today's world we are constantly taught that things are not what they have seemed for years. Right is well, we don't really know what in the hell it is anymore, sorry for the word but- that is what most people think. In our society, Darwinianism has taken presidence over any ideas of God having anything to do with creation. With all we know about carbon dating, or what we think we know, we just about have things figured out. My opinion only, alot of this could have been averted by well meaning people indocrinating other's based on their beliefs, right or wrong. Instead of leading them into a relationship, they led them forward strangled them is more like it bound them with the restraints from which we were supposed to be free. I don't have to go on and on about what things are going on in this world. Whether we all believe the same or not, things are changing for Americans like they never have before in our lifetime. Whether we agree or not on faith and what lies beyong the unseen, most of us would likely agree that there are good and bad things that happen in this life. No matter how you slice atoms and explain the physical, it doesn't explain how these things good or bad things happen. Science only tells part of the story.
What I am about to say might seem harsh at first. But please stick with me.... Tonight has been a very rough night for Jess. She went to a PTA meeting to give her time for the benefit of her own child. Fact of the matter is, she would've done it for anyones child. She spent most of the night alone making little Indian and Pilrim outfits out of paper grocery bags. It really wasn't an escape from the world of isolation with a 3 year old because everyone there spoke Spanish, no joke. (not that that is a bad thing.....) When she got home she was basically- useless for lack of a better word. She is anything but useless. What I mean by that word is simply this- she has been attacked to the "nth" degree and she needs help. She doesn't need a doctor, she doesn't need me to fix anything(eventhough I have in my "maleness" tried to think of things I could say or do to make it better), she doesn't need anyone else to come rescue her. Sometimes, you get so low things seem so surreal, so.....empty and meaningless. Sometimes, we just want to throw in the towel and say God, I either get that you are out there and you love me and I just don't feel it or I wonder if you really are there? And, if He is indeed there, why the heck doesn't he present Himself and rescue us? Afterall, isn't that what we think of God as, a rescuer in a time of need; someone we can thank politely when things are going good and someone we can blame things on when they are not?
If you don't know the story of Job, you have truly missed an icredible story. Whether you believe in God or not. It is about a man who, is caught between a fierce battle between God and satan. Satan wants Job to curse God, so he goes to God and asks Him for permission to afflict Job with many horrible things. God asks satan if he has considered his servant Job. It is like Job is sitting there minding his own business, his kids are footloose and fancy free, partying and having a good ole time, but Job is steady as the day. And there God is, "Have you considered my servant Job?". What the heck? I mean, maybe if God hadn't asked satan if he had considered Job, quite possibly Job would have gotten by unscathed or would he? None of those questions really matter you see, because as the story moves on, satan send a terrible slew of things Job's way. It happened whether Job liked it or not. In the end, God redeems Job and makes up for things, on this earth, that Job had lost. There were two things that satan couldn't take away from Job. At God's command satan was not allowed to take Job's life and the other was his faith.
In my lame attempt at an interpretation, God had a different perspective. God saw the story still unfolding, when Job felt it was all closing in and going to hell. God allowed certain bad things to come Job's way but he also made provisions for Job's redemption. He made a way.
So, while I am useless to even comfort my wife, while she seems useless with grief, despair and sheer exhaustion....God has not forgotten her. He hasn't forgotten any of us. The film is still rolling. The characters, while they may seem whiley and useless, in essence, they are not because they are all dancing as long as the coreographer gives them a move to make.
We have a sign that hangs up in our doorway. It quotes a scripture from Joshua that says, "As for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord". Dear friends, many of you who will read this believe in some supernatural being. You may not know His name. You may not think it is worth you while. I hope that you will take the time to at least ask some questions. Why did Job keep going? Why did he not curse a God that allowed horrible things to happen to him? What was the purpose of the whole thing?
For me, I have a real-life Job laying in bed right now. Actually, I am priviledged to share a home with a couple of them. They aren't flashy, to the world anyway. They will never be famous or be world renown. They will never fix all the problems with our economy or "spread the wealth". :) What they do keep doing is the same thing Job did. They act on the faith that someone, greater than them, has given them. They realize that right now, we aren't at the part in the story when all things are made right and completely justified. They realize that their hope is yet to come and is not of this world. They also realize that as good as things are in this world, they are nothing in comparison to the world that is yet to come. It is nothing in comparison to whom and with Whom we will share it with.
I have no idea if this will offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. If it does, it certainly was not my intention to do so. I really had no agenda in writing this at all. I was frustrated and hurting for my beautiful wife. I didn't even know what I was going to write when I sat down. I hope you all are having a blessed week. I hope everyone finds even a little piece of what Jessica has come to know. Though it seems empty, dark and cold right now, one day we will be at that part in the story.

God bless,
Jeremiah
As always, I didn't proof-read this.

Second letter to Elli October 7, 2008

Little Elli,
I had imagined, when we first found out about your kidneys, that it would be difficult to lose a child. I never imagined that it would hurt, physically, as bad as this does. It seems like dads are supposed to not really feel anything. Well, it isn't the case.
I said I didn't want to have any regrets on the day you were born. I can't even think straight to type you something that makes sense. I keep listening to this same song over and over again. It talks about the world falling out from underneath and being found in Jesus. I so wish I could be at that point but at this moment I am just not feeling it. I know my mood will change and my hurt will ease for a little bit but I will be at this point again.
You look so much like Corban. It is shitty thing to have to live through. I never wanted to outlive one of my children. Mommy and I were talking the other day about how weird it is that mommy still looks pregnant. What do we have to show.....not our little baby. We so wished we could have brought you back home with us and cuddled you. We wished we could have heard you cry to the point that we just wanted an hour to rest.
It is amazing how attached to this flesh we can be sometimes. Your mommy put a blanket in with you because she didn't want your body to be cold. I thought, to myself, it is still fall in the South and she will be hot. With Winter approaching, I think about you little body being cold. It is such a twisted feeling to leave on of your kids in the ground and that to be "normal". Then to have to drive away. Not to be able to visit everyday, it seems like such a sucky thing. Had you lived, we would have not let you go without anything you needed but now we have to leave your body there...waiting.
What I wouldn't give to feel your little cheeks again. What your mommy wouldn't give to feel you silky hair again. What your sissy wouldn't give to dress you up, give you a bottle, change a diaper or give you a kiss. She looks at your pictures often and doesn't say anything for a little while. She usually opens up and talks but I think she knows exactly what mommy and daddy are going through.
Your big brother sure has been a lover since you were here. He is all the time telling us he loves us and giving big hugs and kisses. You even rocked Judah's world...and we thought he did all the "rocking". lol.
I know God won't let this go without redeeming the circumstances. If it weren't for that, your mommy, big sissy and bubby, I would just a soon be with you. I know this is just a moment and moments pass, for now, I wish the ache would ease just a little.
Love you,
Daddy

Hutcherson Family Update Thursday 2, 2008

Thursday, October 02, 2008
Hutcherson Family Update
I just typed out the longest blog, to date, and when I was trying to post it, somehow, I deleted the darn thing. And no, the initial word that came to mind was not "darn". This one will be much shorter and to the point. Jess' face- is still not doing very good. The pus is coming out from time to time, so, hopefully it will heal up eventually. If not, we are looking at Jess being put on Accutane, which is very expensive and can cause numerous birth defects, if you get pregnant while taking it. We have lived with out sex for a long time now, so what's several more months, eh? Before they can prescribe the med, she has to read two books, we watched an extremely annoying video last night, that I swear was made for people who do not have all their mental faculties intact. It repeated the same things over and over. Then, it repeated them some more. Finally, you get the last part and it repeats everything from beginning. It was like watching re-runs of re-runs multiple times (was that sentence annoying? that is how the video was). Anyway, the kids are doing pretty good. Corban talked with us the other night and told us how satan has been attacking her and telling her that Elli's death was a result of bad things she had done and things that I had done. She also told us that Jesus told her that satan was lying to her and that she is not to blame and Elli is with him and has no more "owies". She is so much smarter than us, esp. spiritually. Her name means- "a gift devoted to God", we devoted her and God is fulfilling His plan in her for sure. So, after we talked for a while we prayed and she asked Jesus into her heart. She is so excited, she is telling everyone. We are going to set up a time for Uncle Shane to baptize her. Judah has been kind of emotional. The other night he came into the living room and his face was turning several shades of blue. We have enough experience with our children changing colors lately. :) Anyhow, he had a belt secured tightly around his little neck. I had several books on me, which I threw off quickly to go get the scissors and Jess started trying to get the belt off. Before I got back into the living room, Jess had the belt off. Then, Judah takes off running and yelling, "I can bweave, I can bweave". We really couldn't do anything but laugh. (He did this in his bedroom and came into the living room when he decided he was having trouble breathing, I guess. Just so no one thinks we watch our children bind themselves.) You may laugh but we have had really strange things happening to us since Elli's death. You can leave no stone unturned. School- hard to catch up. My chemistry professor has really worked with me to help get me caught up. I took my first test in Organic. I won't post the grade, it is nothing to be proud of, pretty good I guess for taking it a week and a half after I gathered all the funeral arrangements for our daughter. The other chemistry class I have with him, I took the test the other day, I think Monday. We haven't gotten those back yet, so not sure on that one. I felt a little better about that one but we will see. Calculus, what a crazy subject. If you hated Algebra, you sure would like Calculus. I had to drop that one. The professor for that class was more than willing to work with me as well but I knew I was going to self-destruct if I continued on that path at this time. Genetic testing- the results from Elli are in. We assumed that no news was good news. Jess finally called to find out about those. Basically, there were markers that would indicate a hereditary pre-disposition to the disease Elli had. It is suggested, at this point, that we have further testing if we want to have more children. "Some might say, you should be glad you have two healthy children, some people don't even have that." Someone actually told us that. Well, that is true but it assumes that we need to be reminded of that or that losing one out of three isn't too bad. For those of you that have lost a child and have had something like this said to you, I am very sorry. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have healthy children. The Bible tells us that children are a blessing. It says, "that those who have a quiver full are blessed". We are very grateful for Corban and Judah's health. Corban's Kidneys- We did find out, after Elli was born, that Corban has a cyst on one of her kidneys. We assume that they didn't tell us earlier b/c they didn't want us to be alarmed and there is no immediate complications from it. Cysts on kidney's are not uncommon and even in this disease, people usually make it to their teens and even their 30's before they know that they have it. The doctors are researching a little bit more before they contact us. We are hoping that there is no connection. There are so many differing opinions...even in the medical field concerning Multi and Poycycstic Kidney Disease. At first we thought that Elli had Multicystic Dysplastic Kidney disease(MDKD) which has no, or so they think, genetic pre-disposition. If in fact it is the Polycystic, it would implicate that there is a possibility that Corban or Judah could develop the disease. SO, we can't say that it doesn't concern us but.......all we can do is wait. Life in general has been fairly interesting. We found our that my grandmother, Connie, has breast cancer. So, please remember her in your prayers. We have had a couple other really WEIRD things happen that are so bizarre, we don't even care to re-tell them. All this to say, please remember to pray for us. I know our prayer list contiues to grow. So many people are hurting, our political climate is frustrating, and the financial climate is down-right depresssing. I hope this song below will encourage you as much as it has us. Well, I have written much more than I had intended as I have mound of homework started but not all of it is completely finished. So, I will leave you all with this thought.....or rather the lyrics to this song and I will attach the song as well.
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,I can only conclude that I, I was not made for hereIf the felsh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,then ofcourse I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared
[CHORUS]Speak to me in the light of the dawnMercy comes with the morningI will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numbAnd avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become
[CHORUS]
[BRIDGE]For we, we are not long hereOur time is but a breath, so we better breathe itAnd I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know youHope is coming for meHope, He's coming

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHpuTGGRCbY

How are we? September 19, 2008

Hello,
So, what do you say to someone who just lost a child? Well, heck if we know. "God needs another angel..........She is so much better off in heaven?". Those don't really aren't the worst things to say but they don't really comfort either. We realzie both of those realities. We know this in our spirit but we still have the flesh to contend with and wish to hold our little girl. We have a number of friends who are pregnant or who have just had babies. So, what do you say to someone who has just lost a child when you have just had a baby or are about to deliver? I can tell you what I feel about that.
When I saw Shawn and Esther Lowery's baby, Nazhoni, I praised God for such a beautiful gift. I wanted to know how much she weighed, how long she was, was she as loud and squirley as her mommy? Will she act like she is shooting arrows at me, like her mommy does? (For those of you that don't know, Esther is Sioux Indian) All this to say, we are so excited to hear about everyone's babies doing well!! If anyone has a baby that is healthy or sick, we want to know, we want to PRAY!!
Probably the hardest thing about losing a baby, is the silence. I honestly wouldn't know what to say to someone else who lost a child either. Everyone handles stuff differently. However, everyone is proud of their children and we want to brag and tell how wonderful they are...... So, from us, here are a few suggestions that may help anyone who has a friend that is facing a pregnancy with a congenital disease or had lost a child:
If it was a miscarriage:
Ask the mom or dad what they think their child would have looked like. Probably one of the hardest things is feeling like your child matters to everyone else, he/she definitely matters to you and other people care about you, when silence-as a whole takes precedence- it can seem like no one is interested. We haven't had a miscarriage so this is a little out of our league but...... People are usually interested but it is just hard to know what to say. If I say too much or say the wrong thing......if you don't know what to say, simply say that.
If the baby dies at birth:
What do you normally do with babies? Ask how much he/she weighs, looks like, how long, how much hair......... There will be moments when we cry but usually it is so random and not over anything anyone says in particular. Everyone wants to help and comfort, one way that has helped us is when people have encouraged us to talk about Elli. All parents, like I said before, like to talk about their children. Sometimes, since Elli's passing, we have felt a range of emotions but we weren't sure exactly what we were feeling. Sometimes what is on our face doesn't really reflect what we are feeling on the inside. Questions have really helped us grieve. Honestly, we have not had any bad experiences with anyone. But we realize how awkward it must be for everyone that loves us, so, hopefully this will help everyone out. Prayer: so many times we know we are being held up by prayer, really. I used to tell people I was praying for them, and I would but wasn't sure exactly how. I guess the first obstacle for me was realizing that there is a battle between the flesh and spirit. It is amazing how I can be caught up in the Spirit and my body be so tired and weary and it feels like a weight is on my chest and back. I am telling you this and Jess is the one that is dealing with all of the physical aspects that are minute by minute reminders of the loss we are facing.
So, I can't leave on a dreary and depressing note. That just wouldn't be me. So, I will tell you about something that happened when Elli was here that God showed me the other day...... It eased one of the most pressing hurts in my heart. When Jess and I got married, Jess and I wanted to elope instead of having a wedding. However, we could not get past the point that Jess' dad needed to walk her down the aisle. It was as important for me as it was for Jess, eventhough I didn't know for sure that I would have a daughter. Anyway, one of the worst things for me has been the fact that I haven't been able to dance with Elli and I would never get to give her away at her wedding.
Well, check this out. About 45 minutes before Elli passed, Shane, my best man and the best funeral preacher ever!!!!! (Can I get an AMEN?) (I hear ya!) Anyway, he suggested that since we had dedicated Corban and Judah to the Lord, why should we do anything any differently with Elli. Honestly, I had been thinking about it all day long but was so concerned with Jess and the kids getting to hold and getting pictures that I kept forgetting about it, but not my brother Shane. Not long after Shane prayed an amazing, tear evoking, Christ centered, Spirit led prayer, Elli's physical appearance began to change. To those of us who haven't seen alot of death, it looked like things might be changing- not sure how, her diagnosis hadn't changed. What God brought to my attention is that about the time Shane was praying, as Corban was holding her and Jess and I were at her side, I was next to my daughter on the biggest day of her short life. She went straight from our loving arms to the loving arms of the bridegroom! It was only a short time after the dedication that she passed. So, in reality, I did get to walk my daughter down the aisle. It doesn't mean that I don't hurt but c'mon, how can you be sad when you think about something as awesome as that.
God is so amazing and good! He loves us all so dearly. The hardest thing is getting past all this world has taught us and walking in the faith that He gives us. Sooner or later, the bottom of this life will fall out and the only way to walk or stand will not be with our feet. A dear friend of mine shared this song with me the other night and I cannot quit listening to it. I love music and it ministers to me sometimes when nothing else seems to get through. I hope you like it too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4KiGN1j1No
We are getting thank you cards out to everyone.....there is no way a card can thank everyone for all the ways you have blessed us! However, the cards we have received, they have been amazing and the scripture and thought behind them has ministered to us! Kind of an oxymoron, huh? Anyone that knows me gets it :)

didn't spell check this one either, sorry! :)

Dear Elli September 9, 2008

Baby girl,
I have no idea where to begin. First, I am so thankful for the time that we had with you. For fear that people will think we are more than we are I have to be honest and peel away the layers and get down to my heart.
I woke up this morning so sick I could hardly get out of bed. I was literally neasous. I thought, "I need to get up and open my books but.......I couldn't even think that far ahead of the moment." I got up and went to check on your mommy to make sure she was okay and give her meds to her. We talked with Uncle Shane for a minute and went to run an errand.
Your big sis called to tell us she needed a chocolate doughnut. I think she really wanted to talk about you but didn't want to do it over the phone. Mommy and I talked while we waited outside Harps. We had to just go in because we were cryind and knew we would never make it in if we didn't just do it then.
We got your sis' doughnuts and went out to see Papa, went and got food that the Francis' made for us and then we went to get bubby and big sissy at Grammy's house.
When we left there we went to see your body's grave. It was as hard to pull up today as it was the other day. It just doesn't seem right for there to be a grave for such a little body. Bubby got out of the van and ran out toward the grave and asked where his baby was. However brief you were here, he hasn't forgotten you and we will be sure to remind him of you. Sissy and daddy talked about your kidneys and how mean satan is. She informed mommy and daddy that she is going to pray for another little sister, that is calm and healthy! She said satan is not going to give your new sister any "owies" on her kidneys or anywhere else. When we left, eventhough you aren't there anymore, it still seems so unnatural to leave your little body there...waiting for night to come. It seemed even more heartbreaking as winter is on its way and it will be cold soon. We love taking care of your bubby and sissy and taking care of you would have been a joy as well.
After we left there, bubby wouldn't be quiet. It is good he is so funny 'cause we needed to laugh. We got to Harrison and ate lunch, nobody was going to make it otherwise. Bubby was such a gentleman, he opened the doors for the ladies and held mommy's hand to the door, so she wouldn't fall. Daddy made it halfway through lunch before I could hold the tears anymore. I lost my appetite as I thought about how we left Clarksville with you in mommy's tummy and now we had to go back home without you in our arms. Your mommy's arms started hurting to hold you.
Fast forward a few long hours and we are now home. Daddy tried to get everything unloaded and mommy came in. I was trying to hurry and let mommy go to your empty crib by herself. I think she needed a minute. We held eachother and cried.
Mommy's tummy is beginning to go down. This will be the first time that I sleep in our bed and don't feel your little kicks on my back and backside. I won't be able to feel mommy's tummy and fell your movements. I won't be able to make crazy noises and see mommy's tummy get all funky.
I am sure your day was much brighter and full of love. Like the song says, you have probably seen Noah's Ark, probably walked on those streets of gold and most importantly you have held the hand of Jesus' and felt the scars that made it possible for us to see you again one day. This we know and cling to, otherwise, it would just hurt too bad to go on.
One cool thing is, I laid my cheek on sissy's arm....and it was cool, it reminded me of your cheeks that night you left us. Eveytime I feel a cool sensation on my cheek, I will always think of you and close my eyes and pretend I have you again for a second.
Well, I need to get mommy to bed for a little rest. I love you and haven't forgotten you. My heart hurts to hold you and I can't imagine how bad mommy's must hurt. Please ask Jesus to make it a cold winter, so bubby and sissy will have lots of cold cheeks.
Daddy

Precious Moments September 8, 2008

Monday, September 08, 2008
Precious Moments Current mood: awake
Family, Not everyone knows what all transpired on Wednesday, so we thought we would send out an email letting everyone know. Elli was born at 7:59am. After she was born her color wasn't very good. They announced it was a baby girl......kind of hard not to cry over that one. Dr. Condrey started giving her oxygen to help her out. She was making a kind of wimpering sound which was music to our ears. Dr. Bruton was still working on Jess so Dr. Condrey moved Elli closer to her and as soon as her color was a little better, doc put Elli up next to Jess' face. They unstrapped one of Jess' hands so that she could touch her. After a moment, we took Elli to the nursery to confirm her diagnosis. In the nursery, "Pink" was the order. For those at the funeral that didn't have a clue about that order.....it was given to keep her color good until she got to Jess. Dr. C said her heart was beating strongly and her respirations, though labored, were very good for a baby at her gestational stage. A sonographer came in and took images of Elli's kidneys. Shortly thereafter, Nurse Mickey and I took Elli to see mommy in recovery. Jess got to hold her and cuddle her. While there, we got a call that Dr. Hall, from Children's, was on the webcam and ready to look at the ultrasound images. So, we took her back to the nursery. Dr. Hall confirmed that the diagnosis was correct and that we were making right decisions. He commended and rightfully so, the care that everyone was giving Elli and suggested that they put an umbilical line in to give her medicine as need to make sure she was comfortable. Dr. Condrey told Jennifer(our precious photographer!!) and I that there were no nerve endings in the umbilical chord, so Elli didn't feel a thing and would never have to be pricked with a needle. What an amazing blessing. In the nursery, from the time of the confirmation of diagnosis until she got to Jess, it seemed like forever. Our situation was a little different than the Smith's but it did take longer to get Elli into Jess. Between 11:00-11:30, Elli was brought to mommy and Jess was able to hold her little girl again. Throughout the day, Corban and Judah held her and family members as well. As it got closer to 4 her respirations were slowing and her heart rate was weakening. Our brother, Shane, came in and offered to offer Elli up in dedication. All of Elli's family was there. Nurse Mickey was there and I was told that Dr. Bruton even happened to be there, a blessig for us. Shane offered up one of the sweetest and most delicate prayers anyone could, cause that's Shane and he lets the Holy Spirit lead him. So, she was dedicated back to God. Tears were in fresh supply! At about 4:10, Grandma Ange listened to her chest and wasn't able to hear a heartbeat. She let Nurse Mickey know and she came to verify. Dr. Condrey was called and quickly came to confirm time of death. Corban picked out a onesie for little sis to wear. Nurse Mickey took Elli's body to the nursery and dressed her for us and held her as well, God bless Mickey and her compassion- she was definitely Spirit filled and is spilled over bountifully!! They brought her body back and Corban and Grandma dressed her up in accessories. These were some of the sweetest pictures we have. Corban was giddy and so happy to help take care of her lil' sister. We had family time with Grammy and Papa. Then, Jess and I were left for a while. Later that evening, Uncle Mikey and Grandpa Tom came back. Aunt Beth came to see us. After everyone had left, Jess and I had time to hold Elli's body and we cried. We tried to memorize every little inch of her cute face and thanked Jesus for the time we had with her! At about 10:00 pm, the wonderful lady from the funeral home, Holly, came in and sat down with us. She answered questions for us and was so sweet. She told us what she needed, Elli's clothing and stuff. Holly told us to take some more time with her body. She had to fill out paperwork and about 45 minutes later she came back....the time we were dreading. I have never hurt in my heart so badly seeing my wife having to let go of that girl she fought so hard to care for knowing her breast would soon be ready to nurse that little girl and she was about to leave us, or her body anyway. So Holly waited until Jess handed her the body. I had to go back for one more kiss and then she wheeled the little crib out of our room. Our hearts sank pretty much. We knew in our spirits that she was in the arms of Jesus and He was caring for her better than we could but......the flesh is weak. So, the flesh is a death sentence not to be gotten out of without a cost. They came in shortly there after and drugged Jess pretty well. Until it kicked in we cried and layed there together and lived out our vows....for better or for worse....this seemed like the worst we had endured so far. I am sure Jess will send out a message soon, as she gets a chance to process but for now I will share with you what happened to me the next morning. I woke up at 5:30 and could not go back to sleep. God does that to me and that was the last thing I wanted to do, be awake. But, let me tell you. Our God rocked me gently. He showed me some things I had been hanging onto that I needed to let go of. My character and love for my girls has been under question recently, which is especially hurtful given my childhood circumstances. The Holy Spirit entered that room the day before and whether or not He left and returned, it didn't matter because I welcomed Him and begged to sit in God Almight's lap. That is just what happened! I started crying and couldn't stop. I went to the bathroom because I didn't want to wake Jess up. I cried so hard, it felt like my head was going to explode but I knew it would be okay. The faith that Corban had was rising up in me, not of my own doing but definitely by the same author. I told God that it hurt so bad to see our little girl leave the room...... You know what His response was? I know. He told me that everytime someone chooses not to believe in Him, it is pretty much the same thing......His child is leaving the room never to return. As a father or mother, we now understand that pain. Who are we that we should not endure what Christ has afterall, isn't that who we are wanting to be like. All this to say, as bad as it hurt...I was not alone in that room. For those that think, Jeremiah and Jessica are strong, please know, we are amazingly strong but it isn't us. It is the presence of One much greater than us. Someone whose love is so amazing, even after we lost our child, He still does little things to let us know that He is there and knows our pain. Some of the things may seem like "happenstance" but we know better. We are so favored and we have a glory that is so amazing but it is a glory that comes from above. That little heart on my t-shirt, that is one of many things that the Lord has done to embrace us. If you don't know Jesus.....we pray that you will allow Him to open the door of your heart and lead you. This life is full of pain and uncertainty. But from experience, when He comes down and comforts you......it is so unexplainable....it soothes a heart that has just lost the opportunity on earth, to dance with his daughter, to kiss her goodnight, and to tell her he will beat boys up if the mess with her. I will never walk Elli down the aisle to get married but with the help of my brother Shane and all our family, we walked her down the aisle and blessed her little life and her true Father came to get her. I am a father blessed to know that my little girl is not in that cold grave tonight out in the middle of nowhere, she is listening to the same heartbeat we are......the heartbeat of God. God bless and please continue to lift us up. I know you all will because you love us. This is the song from Elli's funeral too. The first part breaks our heart and reminds us of our flesh, the second reminds us of who we were meant to be and what we are truly meant to do......be in the arms of God. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o p.s. I did not check for typos, I just wrote. :)

Ultrasound 5.......I think...... August 25, 2008

Monday, August 25, 2008
Ultrasound 5..........I think.....
Well today Jess went and had the ultrasound and a brief visit with the doctor.
The Ultrasound: The baby does have lungs now and they appear to be functioning normally, another unknown until the baby is on the outside. There is not "measureable" amniotic fluid. They didn't say there wasn't any there for sure but they couldn't locate any pockets that were clearly amniotic fluid. The kidneys don't appear to have increased in size, nor did the cysts appear to have grown. Her feet are in her face. She is literally sandwhiched in the womb. They could see the wall of the uterus right in front of her face. This is normal further in the pregnancy but she is only 32 weeks and 3 days. So, with just shy of 8 weeks left to go this highly undesireable. She is still moving ALOT. Most babies by this point are very lethargic and movement is rare. She appears to be stubborn, like her mom and dad. She kicked the ultrasound thingamajig several times as she didn't like it. I don't think I would either! The heartbeat is still steady and strong.
Jess is still having a lot of pain. It is hard for her to get out of bed to go to the bathroom every two hours at night. Sitting back down is equally as painful as the baby is so low already.
The due date: Well, the doctor was slammed. He had been gone to a conference and instead of them double booking him they tripple booked him. Instead of appointments every 10 minutes he had appointments every 2 minutes. Yeah. He is a good doctor though and takes very good care of Jess and this has been the only time this has happened. Usually, he lets other people wait while we ask him questions. Jess said he did seem upset with the way the ultrasound looked because of the lack of fluid. We are going to talk to him tomorrow and get a date set for sure. So, when we get that, we will let everyone know what is going on. He didn't want to schedule anything for sure without being able to sit down and discuss some things with us.
Basically, Jess is trying to make it as long as she can before she just can't handle it anymore. She isn't in constant pain, it is just when she has to move around, since she is pregnant and the baby kicks her bladder repeatedly, you can imagine how oftern she has to get up. She has tried to walk it off but that just makes it worse.
Sorry we don't have more info but that is all we have. Everything in its time I guess. The dates we are looking at are still the 9th and 16th of September. I know this is a teeter-totter situation, so, we completely understand that is not ideal for planning time of from work and such. All that to say, please, don't anybody stress out about being there, we still don't know what is going to happen.
For anybody who has lived through something like this, we have our moments for sure, but for the most part we are doing okay- no doubt because of everyone's prayers. I know this blog sounds kind of short and sterile but we really don't know much ourselves. We are just waiting, hoping and trusting regardless of the outcome it will work out for our best and everyone else's.

Ultrasound 4 July 14, 2008

Monday, July 14, 2008
Ultrasound 4
Well, today Jess had her fourth ultrasound, glucose test and doctor's visit. Haven't gotten the results on the glucose test, probably tomorrow before we will know anything on that.
As for the ultrsound, well, things really haven't changed much. The baby is bigger and the fluid levels haven't increased. They have decreased to 2.91, last time it measured 5.1 or so. To be honest, we didn't even ask what was normal, don't really care- bottom line, it is definitely nowhere near what it should be. She still has good movement. Heart is still strong. We saw her mouth open and close and could see her eyes move around. All of this is as the doctors said it would be, normal until birth.
--The kidneys, right kidney- you can't even really see it, it is one big cyst. In fact, they said that the right kidney looks like the bladder should look and they couldn't locate the bladder(either that was the bladder and it is in the wrong spot or most likely the bladder just isn't getting the fluid it needs) . They did say that the bladder can be somewhat ambiguous sometimes but..........The left kidney has, it looks like, three larger cysts-probably a compilation of cysts, but otherwise looks like it did last time.
So, we are faced with the fact that maybe our faith is just optimism misguided, any kind of healing just hasn't taken place yet or we will be putting into effect some of the funeral arrangements we have been making. Either way the person in Whom our faith is placed is still here and our family is for the most part, healthy and active- either way, we win. That is just regergitated stuff right now! Deep inside we know it is true right now. If anything, we want to be real and right now we are discouraged. But we are nothing less than blessed and know it. As soon as we got home Judah stripped of his underwear and shorts walked out the front door, scratched his butt and proceeded to fertilize the lawn, with urine, no deffication this time:) and yes- he has done that before too!
One thing that is evident, we are not the Christians of the Bible. However, if it is, in fact, the Lord's will to heal this baby, we can understand where Abraham might have had doubts when he was told that he and Sarah would one day have a child. Science says this but you are telling us this.....we aren't planning on going out and having affairs or anything:) but we do feel the crunch of what we feel we are being led to pray and what the evidence shows right now. We know all of the churchy-doctrine, right now we are just being as transparent as we can be. Otherwise, no one will know how to pray for us.
One way we know we are blessed is the mere fact that we have A LOT of people remembering us and praying for us! Thank you to everyone praying and everyone that is encouraging. Thank you to everyone who isn't affraid to ask how things are and those that don't feel like that have to understand to just be there.
I hope this hasn't been too depressing, I tried to add a little humor. For those who haven't called my cell phone, I don't have it, it is at a state park. Thanks to everyone that has reminded me, we will go get it tomorrow! :)
We will keep everyone updated! Sorry for any typos, too tired to fix them:)

Ultrasound 3 June 11, 2008

Well, well. Today we all went in to have ultrasounds done on our kidneys. A nephrologist recommended it to rule out any genetic link to the baby's condition and also to better deduce a more concrete diagnosis. The kid's, Jess' and my ultrasounds were completely normal.
The baby: The amniotic fluid was measured and it measured the same amount as it did in Little Rock. The sonographer assured us that what she measured was indeed fluid and not the umbilical chord. The baby has doubled in weight and some of it is probably the volume increase in the cysts. The kidneys are both present. The right kidney is much smaller than it should be and is covered with cysts. The left kidney is normal sized and is also covered with cysts. They weren't real sure if one spot was a cyst or the bladder. The head is shaped normally now and the heart is beating very strongly.
Jessica, for now, is experiencing a normal pregnancy other than the acne. The acne's treatment, steroids, will actually speed up lung development and actually speed up the development of all the major organs-so, it could turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Jess' face is feeling much better and has absolutely no pain.
I know that not everyone understands our reasons for not inducing early. That is fine, we don't expect everyone to understand. For us, it is not our desire to intervene......she will be induced regardless and a few weeks or months is not going to make that big a difference in our level of attachment-we are attached and love this baby. We believe that she was created by God and well, it is up to Him to heal or not. As for now, we are praying for nothing less than total healing. We believe we are His children and He does hear our prayers and we don't want to be guilty of receiving not because we didn't ask(to quote the Bible and a dear friend).
For the skeptics and those that may think we have lost our minds.....in a way we have and feel more grounded than ever before. "Keeping it Level-headed" -We have made funeral arrangements in the event that the diagnosis proceeds unchanged. We looked at grave markers and have set up everything that we can set up at this point. HOWEVER, from this point on, we are proceeding in total Faith that the Lord is going to hear and answer our prayers. If I have learned one thing in science, it is that there are always exceptions and things unexplained......this is the realm in which our Lord works and we are not going to "not ask and not keep praying and believing" because people might think we are delusional or weird. The way I read it, we are weird/different/aliens, if you will. As for God's will, we want that and we do believe His will will be done. At this point, He hasn't given us any clear cut direction, so we are going to be a parents and pray for this baby as if it were Corban or Judah- or anyone else's baby we care about.
Again, I don't think everyone will completely understand our "rationale" and honestly at times we have "what are we thinking" thoughts as well, it is becoming more and more apparent that the rationale we seek is not our own. As for our Faith, it is definitely not our own.
Thank you to anyone who opened this blog or email. We definitely appreciate your prayers! We have a lot of friends and are blessed to have a wealth of rich relationships that have held us up thus far. We are facing something that anyone in the world can face. We are Christian but we are not different in that we will face hard times and difficult decisions and circumstances that don't make sense. We are removed from the realities of this present world. However, we do have a relationship with a Father that loves us beyond human measure and we are just beginning to taste what we were made for and we feel like we are on the brink of an amazing year- regardless of our circumstances! Love you all and we will keep you updated!

Crazy how life can change so quickly. May 27th, 2008

Today we spent the day getting settled back in- getting laundry done, planting tomato plants, buying groceries and researching. At this point I wish I had already been to med school and/or atleast had gross anatomy. I don't think that by learning what disease our baby might have will actually save her but I still want to understand what is going on. There is nothing more frustrating than having questions and not having time to ask them and even more so- knowing something is wrong but not knowing what questions to ask.
We did enjoy watching the kids play and enjoy every second with them. We also laid down for a nap and felt the baby move. Everytime I say, "Hey Baby-Baby", she wakes up and starts moving around. I am sure there are range of emotions that will come in the days to come but for now we are learning all we can and enjoying every kick and every roll- every response. Thank you to everyone praying for us......you might not think it makes a difference but there have been a lot of time, so far, that we feel despair and then out of know where a breath of fresh air rushes in. Sometimes it isn't so much what we pray but the fact that we do!

Current Medical Diagnosis..... May 24, 2008

So here we are. Jessica and I went to Little Rock on Thursday to meet with a genetics specialist. From our first ultrasound, we learned that the amniotic rating was a 3.2 and should be a 10-12; we also learned that the baby's kidneys were not visible. We were referred to the new doctor because they use a Level II ultrasound which has much greater clarity and due to the extremely low amniotic volume- we were in to see the OB/GYN High Rish Geneticist in two days instead of the usual two weeks.
So, this doctors assessment was that the baby does have kidneys but they are non functional due the numerous cysts that are supposedly on them. The bladder is deemed "not there" because it doesn't contain anything in it. As is the case with the diagnosis the lung are often underdeveloped and if the baby's make it to term live only moments after the chord is cut. From everything I have read, Bilateral Multicystic Kidney Dysplasia is inconsistent with life. This doctor told us that the genetic relevance is negligible and that we don't need to worry about future pregnancies or the possibility of myself, Jess or the kids having the same or like condition. We then met with the counselor which told us that we could induce now or wait to see if the baby makes it to term or possibly "expires" before hand. Oh yeah, because of the lack of amniotic fluid- this doctor commented that there was zilch- he could not tell the sex. He was able to make a definite and "accurate" diagnosis in about three minutes without that fluid but he couldn't tell the sex......hope you get my sarcasm there:)
Then, it his us. And we cried. I didn't think it was going to hit that hard. We drove down to Hot Springs and stayed at the Arlington to talk and stuff. We prayed and talked. Still don't have everything figured out but we got a few things squared away.
On Friday, we drove back to meet with our regular doctor and he swabbed Jess' face to test for staph. He is in agreement with us about continuing the pregnancy. We have had a few ask us how or if it would be harder if we didn't induce now......well, I guess the only thing we can do is ask those people what they would do. Regardless, we have had an overwhelming support and form those people as well. It is a hard situation anyway you look at it. For us, and I am speaking for us only, it is our child, regardless of the age, and we love it and for as long as it lives we will be the parents. If it does pass before term, we will be having a funeral- I feel for anyone who is incapable of understanding that and honestly, I hope no one else has to experience it. Either way, we aren't flushing it or throwing it in a waste basket. So our doctor is supportive.
Rachel called a neonatologist for us. Turns out that Children's in St. Louis sees five cases a year. A nephrologist here in Mountain Home said that though Polycystic is more genetically inheritable...Multicystic can be as well and that we would be foolish to not have ultrasounds done on all four of us as soon as possible to rule that out as well. He suggested that we go to Barne's in St. Louis to get a second opinion for sure as soon as possible. We, obviously, are hoping that due to the lack of amniotic fluid that it is a misdiagnosis. However, for inquiring minds, we are aware that if it is as diagnosed, it will be-minus a miracle- a grim outlook and grieving could very realistically be in our near future. I am throwing that out there for those that might assume we are not grounded in reality. I guess what it boils down to is the fact that though I LOVE science- I don't believe that is the designer behind our lives. I was not designed by genetics that was just the dispersal mechanism! Thanks mom and dad for dipsersing me! lol
Anyhow, if you want to pray for us, please pray right now that the diagnosis is wrong. We did pray for kidneys and there were kidneys there so mistakes can be made and machines don't tell us everything!

Sleepless Night and much thought.....May 21, 2008

Well, some of you already know but for those of you who don't and those that actually read these things.....we had the ultrasound today. We went in hoping to find out the sex of the new baby and instead got a devastating wake up call. After the ultrasound, the doctor met with us to discuss what they saw. He started out by telling us that the baby wasn't normal. We kind of laughed and thought, what else is new- I didn't know it was possible for me to contribute to a normal offspring. But he wasn't kidding and now we look at the possibility of the unknown.
Most everyone knows I am a professing Christian. Most everyone knows I am not Orthodox in the sense that I don't pretend to be perfect or have everything figured out- I mean I have almost everything figured out....lol. One thing I have learned about God the last year is that being a Christian is not a free ticket out of life's hardships. Life happens to everyone. Getting saved, or accepting Christ as our Saviour, doesn't rescue us from the effects of sin or the consequences on earth. It does pardon us in the sense of eternity but why should we be excluded from difficulties as if we are some elite or better than others because we are saved. Also, I don't think that every bad thing that happens is a direct result of something bad we have done. I grew up feeling that way. I made an off the cuff comment about a why couldn't Judah be the one born "mute". Anyone who has spent time with him knows that would be handy at times. Of course I don't want him to be mute, I guess there was this underlying sense that things aren't right with the baby we are having.....or things won't be textbook like we have experienced with our children so far. I don't think I am claravoiant(or however the hell you spell it)- I just have had a sense that something was coming.
I guess my only selfish wish is that we would at least get to hold the baby. Even more selfish, I hope that this little baby doesn't hurt. Even more painful is the dissapointment I know Corban will have because she wanted a baby sister so badly. I know she will be okay, she has us and we shoot straight with her and love her and God knows she has come to lover herself- how else would one of my children exist.....she is just as vain as I am. She will probably end up trying to console little Judah who is clueless, what a little mother hen.
Anyway, enough rambling I guess. This is kind of like cheap therapy. I wish everyone else would write more of these so that I could see into everyone else's psyche. Maybe one of these days I will really open up and release some wicked/twisted emotional turmoil.....until then......

The Goings on in the life of a Middle-Aged Stud----ent! April 26, 2008

So, everyone knows that we packed up and moved away from our comfort zone. I have to admit, when I decided to go back to school, I really haven't looked back very much. I did this in part because I thought I might "chicken out". To be truthful, I really didn't think going back to school, with a family, was going to be as big a challenge as it has proven itself to be. Part of the underlying motivation for going back to school was to prove that if I can do it, anyone can.
Yesterday, before I went to school the car was completely covered in a bountiful coating of pollen, the actual offspring of the plants- as I have learned in Botany. I started washing it off and thought, "What the hell am I doing?" Not about washing my car but about going to school. I have been freaking out because last semester I made all B's with only two A's. The two A's were in Greek and Hiking. The classes that really mattered to me were the classes in which I made B's. Well, this semester, yeah. Let's just say, it'll be B's again. I guess it's not that bad considering how distracted I have been. Going to school, when you have kids to play with it hard but it'll be worth it for everyone in the end. We had a car die, that sucked. I have been sick continuously throughout the semester. The mother load of them all was finding out that my stuff was more potent than we thought! lol. Anyway, on my way to school......I thought, I am not by myself, I got to spend time with my cousin right before my car broke down, my kids are healthy, beautiful and great, I have no terminal illness, at least it was a blast making that little growing blastula(the baby) and our little niece has been taken off of chemo. I might not be making straight A's but I am going to an awesome school, not doing that badly and in the end I will achieve my goals. Another bonus, for some reason I love German Shepherds. This semester I finally got an awesome dog. I have had a blast working with her and learning more about dog training.
I have no idea why I am even posting this other than, I am taking a break from studying for an amazingly and ridiculously hard lab final. For any of you who actually read this, you must be really bored or know that I read your blogs! lol

New Baby- Due October 17th 2008

!!NEW BABY!! Due the 17th of October!

Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Well yeah, you read it right. The Hutchersons are making way for baby number 3! While we were not actively trying to have another child, we were actively participating in the "art of baby making". Okay, that is obvious! We are getting excited now. Corban has named the baby "Belle". Judah says mommy has babies in her tummy. Daddy, doesn't know what the heck is going happening. LOL Mommy is buying a crib, changing table and anything else she can get her hands on at the moment. I guess that is about it for now! Pray for a healthy baby!