Surprises.

Some time ago I quit writing. I think in some way I thought that I was through the worst of grieving and maybe what even seemed like the worst of life. It has become increasingly clear that for me, at least in a spiritual sense, life is just beginning. As for the grief. Oh man.

There is a book that I have really been wanting to read. It is another John Eldredge book one that he co-authored with another person whose name escapes me at this time. The book is called, "The Sacred Romance". I went to buy it yesterday at Hastings. While I was there, I thought I'd get Jess a copy of "I Will Carry You".

I wanted to get it for her for Christmas but wanted to wait becaus I knew I would give it to her. I couldn't find it on my own and I asked a clerk at the store to help me find it. She looked it up in their database first and said they had one copy of it. So, she took me over to the section and I began to feel very overwhelmed. She thumbed around and said, "here it is". She went to pull it off the shelf and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. When I saw the front cover, Audrey's little head held in her mother's hands- I felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach. It was all I could do to keep from breaking down right there in the store. I basically snatched it from her hand and thanked her. I went to the register at warp speed and kept thinking, "just let me get out of here, please! Just let me get out of here!".

No such luck. I get to the register and the woman in front of me was having problems using her card b/c the clerk had made a mistake or stomething. The woman was very apologetic and asked that they cancel her transaction and ring me up. I declined and waited. Another clerk came and opened up another register to ring me up. She did and when it was finished, I am sure I looked like a rocket shooting out of the front door. I got out and pulled my sun glasses down just in time. I had to skip French class because I couldn't stop crying.

I needed to have some time alone. I needed to be able to ask 'why' again and feel something. I needed to be able to say what was on my mind at the most vulnerable time and have no reasoning, logic, doctrine, or any outside conventional ideas on what I was going through explain what I was feeling. Of course, after I got a little bit of it out and then came home- I was able to stuff it back down. So, I guess all this to say, I realize that it still hurts deeply. I realize it still matters a great deal to me. I realize that it will probably not go away.

For some reason, I have imposed upon myself the idea that I should be able to cope with it much better because I see others who have lost children and they aren't losing it in stores. I think it is sometimes expected that we "handle it well" or "deal with grief". I am not altogether sure what all that means to be honest short of being able to keep moving ahead. At some point though, I think for me realizing that however hard I try to do that and I will, a part of me died that day as well. A part of my heart was forever changed. It wasn't changed necessarily in a bad way, it was simply altered.

I have to finish up now because I have class. But, yesterday when I was driving I kept asking God what she looks like now. What do her eyes look like b/c they were never open. What does her mouth look like b/c I have forgotten. I don't think I could get quiet enough for a response, maybe I will at some point.