I am blessed indeed!

Wow. I have a blog. I have forgotten about it. Well, not really. So many things in my life have changed and I feel like I could never put them into words, so I haven't really tried.

For much of my life, I have been hurt, angry, frustrated, isolated, and knew there was truth in what I had believed but recently I have begun to see with different eyes. Eyes that, for the most part, have been blinded by fear, insecurities, and a host of other things. Last night, Jess and I watched the movie "Precious". Parts of that movie made me feel some of the fear I have experienced- though it was in different forms. One of the most powerful things in the movie, for me, where the dreams that Precious would have in the midst of a horrible situation.

This is so poignant for me because I have been reading about God as our Lover. As someone who initiates not only love but a respect for things that are beautiful. As Precious endures so many hardships, she is taken up in a spirit of hope. It is amazing the assault that is waged at this girls' very being. She is told she is stupid, fat, will amount to nothing, and further.....any hopes she may have of changing her life is futile. Isn't that what the enemy likes to do? Destroy us in our lives and remove any traces of hope.

For so long, I have tried to conjure up this hope. I knew it existed but didn't really know how to access it. I am not talking about hopes that the bills will get paid, hopes that things will work out the way I want them. Rather, hope that I am loved more than I can imagine, hope that I am worth so much to the one who made me, hope that I, as fueld by the spirit of the One and Only holy God of the universe, will seize this life with the annointing of my Saviour and extinguish the assault that has been waged not only upon my soul but the souls of those I love and those that I have yet to meet. Souls that in one form or another have been beat down, like Precious, to believe that no one loves them, there is no hope, there is no better day coming- souls that want to believe in Redemption but have to compass with which to even believe that it exists.

Today, I am in awe of our maker.

Last night, Judah and I were sitting in the floor of the living room. Ash and Ad were lying on a blanket. They were excited every time Judah or I made contact with them. He always likes to solidify the numbers in our family. He talked about how he had a big sissy, he is a big brother, we have the twins and he never fails to remember his sister, Elli. He has such a keen sense of things around him, so often we overlook this. Many times after Elli passed, people would ask us, "He doesn't really understand does he?". Honestly, giving that hindsight is what it is, I think he understood more than some adults. He knew that she was ill, he knew we could fix her "Owies", he knew we couldnt' change it unless God wanted it changed, he knew to move on all the while remembering that it isn't over and we will see her again.

As he was telling me the story he invoked the use of his hands. He told me we had three babies, pointing two fingers at the twins and one finger up toward heaven. He said these words which broke my heart, at the same time made me love him so much more, and reminded me of the hope we have..."Daddy, you know, we only got to keep Elli for a little bit, didn't we? But we will see her again until then, we'll take care of these babies!". Remembering what we have come through and looking ahead. Our kids teach me so much. I thank God for the blessings they are. I am finding they know things so much more easily because they are innocent- and that innocent nature is what lies ahead for us. We only see in part now because Redemption is not complete, it is paid for but not completely fulfilled in the sense that it will be when we are with Him. I so look forward to that day and live in the hope He is giving me now through being made more like Him while I am on this earth.