Saturday, November 20, 2010

Kicking and Screaming

So, I am reading the book, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I am reading the words on the pages but I can not tell you from one second to the next what I just read because I feel like I am living the Summer of 2008 all over again.

I feel like so much was going on at the time. Jess was in so much pain from carrying Elli and also from her acne. We still do not know exactly what it was that started the acne. We have yet to hear of another woman carrying a baby with same type of issues that has suffered from it. She was literally in so much pain throughout the days and nights that I do not know how she survived. She slept so little. School was about to start up for me and I tried to get focused for what I knew would be a crazy semester. I think I really skipped the denial phase. I think I hit it a little but nothing compared to what I am feeling now.

As I read this book, I feel like I am back during that time "kicking and screaming" for things not to happen the way that they did. I have read before that in order to truly deal with a hurt from the past, one must revisit it and walk through it especially if things weren't dealt with at that particular time. It is with the hope of being able to lay to rest some of my misguided depression that I am going back. People talk about me being a good dad. I suppose I am not the worst but I have not been the best. I have wanted everything to be on hold.

I think part of me stopped breathing two years ago and I have neglected some of the most intimate moments with Corban and Judah. So, over the last week, I have been talking to them about what happened with Elli and discussing is going on now with them and their grief. In my silent grief, I have totally neglected their grief and even Jess'. A lot of good discussions have occurred and I hope that we are to something that will help us all.

We don't sit and dwell on things and wallow in the sorrow but we do pay it respect, talk very openly about it, and then talk about how there were a lot of things that no one knew in that situation. There are a few regrets on all of our parts but we discuss how there was no way to know otherwise and that in the end, we are very thankful for the time we had with Elli. We had so much more time then other people have had with their babies and yet it will never be enough.

Even so, discussing it all...while reading this book I find myself begging for the inevitable not to happen. I am so grateful for a loving Father that does comfort as I accept it and has sustained us through it all. I am thankful for children that are sensitive enough to know that we are hurting to and children who graciously forgive us. I am constantly amazed at how clearly they do see things that we miss.

I still feel like there is really no point in writing any of this out. However, if one person reads it and can identify with any part of it, it will be well worth the time taken.

1 comment:

  1. Jeremiah,
    I read this today, 03/19/11 and I can relate to a lot of it. (I've been out of the blogging loop for quite awhile)
    Just tonight, out of the middle of nowhere Katie said "Mama, how did Grady die?" as I laid next to her trying to get her to sleep. I couldn't do anything but cry for a minute before I tried to answer. I think I needed to read this tonight. Thank you so much for your open heart. :)


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