Front yard camping....

I feel like I am at an impasse. It seems like there is some unspoken rule about grieving, like after a certain period of time it must stop. I am not sure if I am alone in this or not. Either way, alone or not, I feel it hitting me now.

Growing up, I never was afraid to die but was very afraid of my mom dying and leaving me behind....if you know me at all, you know what I mean by that. So, except one short period in time, I have always felt like if I kept certain people at a distance- the one's for whom I care the most, then somehow they would be safe. It's almost like I bought into some reverse psychology of, "If I don't get too attached, they will be around longer". I think in part, I am grieving the last couple of years because I feel like I have done that with C and J. It is the complete opposite of what I have ever wanted to do with my kids.

Last night, C, J, and I camped in the front yard. I released a lot of guilt and really enjoyed the time with them. So much time has been devoted to keeping everything under control around here that I felt like last night was just for them. They had such a good time and were just kids. It was so nice.

So, all of this hitting at the same time as all of the old grief. I am not quite sure what to do with all of it but I am glad that it is coming out. Unfortunately, all of the other things I feel like I should care about in life suddenly seem so unimportant. I can hardly bring myself to pick up any book except, "The Sacred Romance" or the Bible. Through all of this pain, sorrow, disappointment, and even hope- I am suddenly finding my interests narrow and things that divide my time are annoying.

This is so discombobulated in nature but I felt the need to write and not really think.