No more wasted time.......

One of the hardest things for me is to open up....admitting a need is almost like death for me. Growing up, I always felt poked and prodded to find out "where I was at" but in the end, I felt like it mattered very little.

Women have always been a bigger influence on me, with the exception of a few good men. I thought losing my grandmother several years ago was one of the worst things that could happen. She was one of the few who knew the life I had lived and loved me and encouraged me. Because of certain things in my childhood, I grew up fearing the loss of a very important person. Times have changed and my circumstances have as well, but this nagging fear has yet to elude me.

Jess is probably the only one that knows this but every time we have had a child, I get nauseatingly sick with worry. Is it spiritual or Christ-like? Well, it is what it is and no one can walk around without concerns or worry 100% of the time and if they say they do, well, I will let them work that out on there own. For me, it is yet to happen. One thing life has taught me is that just because we trust Christ, we are not exempt from the trials and tribulations in this life. Thankfully, we are held during these times and those times will not go undredeemed. However, they come and we must face them. No one expected us to go through everything that we went through with Elli but we did. Everyone would love to hope that nothing bad would ever happen to us again, but let's face it, we live in the real world. I appreciate the, "Everything is going to be just fine, God wouldn't make you go through anything like that again" comments but I have yet to find out where that is really scripturally accurate. The Bible says we are at war and the enemy doesn't care what we have been through- in fact, he knows our weaknesses and wants to make the most of them. Thankfully, we have a Saviour that loves us and carries us through and He will have the last word.

This is probably the most transparent I have ever been in my life with everyone, or anyone that would read this, at the same time. So yeah, I get extremely worried when Jess is about to deliver. With Corban, I was down on the floor crying asking God not to take her- her labor was gruesome, to say the least. With Judah, I invited my parents back into our lives. In the words of Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, "Big mistake, HUGE!". I should have learned long ago my intentions will do little for someone else's action or my own indescretion. With Elli, well, I was so freaked out anyway, God definitely took control and poured out His spirit lavishly. So, here we are now, twins.

I know I am starting a bunch of topics and leaving them open, hopefully, I will tie it up in a sec. School for me last year was a total flop. This year I have felt the pressure of coming back and doing what I did the first year here. I have spent a lot of time studying this semester but my emotion and anxieties are beginning to take their toll. After losing Elli, we kind of woke up and realized how short this life is and how precious every moment is with everyone. Every conversation, every laugh, every tear, every fear. Through all of these things we learn more about ourselves, about our loved ones and we learn more about who God is.

My sole purpose in writing this is not to ask for comments. I don't need anyone to cheer me on. I need people who love us to pray for us. I know a lot of people are already and we thank you. I can't put life on hold to sit and enjoy every second.....I have already thought about doing that, prospect of staying in school and doing well, yeah, they don't look fair if I do that. If you read this and are going through similar circumstances, great or small in your eyes, and you want to share, feel free to email me. Alternatively, please remember us in prayer. This concern I have seems to be hitting everyone in our family and I think it is wearing us all down individually. We know who holds today and tomorrow and we know it will be okay- eternally. Everything will work out the way it should and nothing will be lost or unredeemed but please pray for the health of my entire growing family. Please pray that I can focus in my studies and that my time spent studying is productive.

Thanks everyone.