No more wasted time.......

One of the hardest things for me is to open up....admitting a need is almost like death for me. Growing up, I always felt poked and prodded to find out "where I was at" but in the end, I felt like it mattered very little.

Women have always been a bigger influence on me, with the exception of a few good men. I thought losing my grandmother several years ago was one of the worst things that could happen. She was one of the few who knew the life I had lived and loved me and encouraged me. Because of certain things in my childhood, I grew up fearing the loss of a very important person. Times have changed and my circumstances have as well, but this nagging fear has yet to elude me.

Jess is probably the only one that knows this but every time we have had a child, I get nauseatingly sick with worry. Is it spiritual or Christ-like? Well, it is what it is and no one can walk around without concerns or worry 100% of the time and if they say they do, well, I will let them work that out on there own. For me, it is yet to happen. One thing life has taught me is that just because we trust Christ, we are not exempt from the trials and tribulations in this life. Thankfully, we are held during these times and those times will not go undredeemed. However, they come and we must face them. No one expected us to go through everything that we went through with Elli but we did. Everyone would love to hope that nothing bad would ever happen to us again, but let's face it, we live in the real world. I appreciate the, "Everything is going to be just fine, God wouldn't make you go through anything like that again" comments but I have yet to find out where that is really scripturally accurate. The Bible says we are at war and the enemy doesn't care what we have been through- in fact, he knows our weaknesses and wants to make the most of them. Thankfully, we have a Saviour that loves us and carries us through and He will have the last word.

This is probably the most transparent I have ever been in my life with everyone, or anyone that would read this, at the same time. So yeah, I get extremely worried when Jess is about to deliver. With Corban, I was down on the floor crying asking God not to take her- her labor was gruesome, to say the least. With Judah, I invited my parents back into our lives. In the words of Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, "Big mistake, HUGE!". I should have learned long ago my intentions will do little for someone else's action or my own indescretion. With Elli, well, I was so freaked out anyway, God definitely took control and poured out His spirit lavishly. So, here we are now, twins.

I know I am starting a bunch of topics and leaving them open, hopefully, I will tie it up in a sec. School for me last year was a total flop. This year I have felt the pressure of coming back and doing what I did the first year here. I have spent a lot of time studying this semester but my emotion and anxieties are beginning to take their toll. After losing Elli, we kind of woke up and realized how short this life is and how precious every moment is with everyone. Every conversation, every laugh, every tear, every fear. Through all of these things we learn more about ourselves, about our loved ones and we learn more about who God is.

My sole purpose in writing this is not to ask for comments. I don't need anyone to cheer me on. I need people who love us to pray for us. I know a lot of people are already and we thank you. I can't put life on hold to sit and enjoy every second.....I have already thought about doing that, prospect of staying in school and doing well, yeah, they don't look fair if I do that. If you read this and are going through similar circumstances, great or small in your eyes, and you want to share, feel free to email me. Alternatively, please remember us in prayer. This concern I have seems to be hitting everyone in our family and I think it is wearing us all down individually. We know who holds today and tomorrow and we know it will be okay- eternally. Everything will work out the way it should and nothing will be lost or unredeemed but please pray for the health of my entire growing family. Please pray that I can focus in my studies and that my time spent studying is productive.

Thanks everyone.

Redeemed

When Jess and I were sitting in the room where they did the first ultrasound of this pregnancy, one of the first things that came to mind was the word "Redemption". Such a great word isn't it? Who doesn't want to be redeemed. Selah's new cd, "You Deliver Me", finally came out. One of the reasons it was delayed in part was due to the song Redeemed. I am so grateful it was. I really needed this song and the meaning behind it. Much more than that, the Lord knew, for me, it was one of the only things I would listen to right now.

Just as everyone else has thought that Asher and Adlai are a "replacement" for Elli, I have thought the same thing. Until now. But really, is there any Biblical basis for this? Does God really remove one human soul, replace it with two "other" human souls as a replacement and further, as a form of Redemption? I sure hope not. I don't think there is any validation of that. We might choose to make it into that but I don't believe it is so.

God is all about taking what is old, shattered, battered, beaten beyond repair.....into something new, something with more worth, renewed worth that won't fade, than it had before. Something that will bear His likeness and will give that same life with every breath. We are still in our day to day lives but He is doing something in us that we don't see, something that hasn't been fulfilled, something that hasn't been fully restored, but that He and only He can redeem. God is so good.

We have all been there, to some degree or another. We all have worn hearts, aching, in need of completeness. We can't see what tomorrow holds. We can't see the other heartaches that ly just around the corner but we know that there is redemption for those pieces broken. I hope this song means as much to you as it does to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TC01HuKZRI&feature=PlayList&p=8388E2EAE842BB28&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=41

Looking ahead.....

The last few days have been hard to say the least. Jess is very tired, two years of pregnancy has a way of wearing one down, neither of which have been "normal"..... Going back to school has been difficult psychologically. "Can I do it?", "Can I pull out of the state of defeat I seem to stay in?" are always on my mind. Then, the third week of school. Remembering what we experienced last year and not being able to hold that little life again for a time to come. We know all of the spiritual sayings, "You've got two blessings on the way", "You'll see her again one day", "God took one away so He could give you two"....... I won't say much about those comments b/c I know that the best of intentions comes with each comment. The only comment that seems to provide any comfort is, "She is with Jesus, she plays at his feet and rests in His lap". That is about the only comfort we have aside from the fact that we will see her again one day.

So, last few days, depression and oppression. I am sick of it. I am sick of being defeated, downtrodden, and most of all I am sick of not living in the hope that lives with-frikkin'-in-me. I am sick of not waking up in the middle of the night to talk with the One in whom my hopes ly. I am sick of the enemy winning all of the little battles. Music ministers to me greatly. Nothing can take me to the feet of Jesus like music. Selah's new CD came out last week. I have yet to get it but will soon, like as soon as we get a chance to go to a town big enough that actually has it. The song "Unredeemed" and "You deliver Me"--amazing songs. I am once again reminded that I may be here in a world that wants us to feel alone, defeated, and unredeeemed......but that is not the case. I am not alone, we are not alone, we are not defeated, and we are so redeemed! I would imagine the anticipation Jesus feels when He thinks about coming to get His own. I can't wait for that day and I can't wait to sit at his feet and praise Him for all He has done, does, and continues to do.

He delivers us, redeems us, and loves us.....against all odds, in light of all the sin, in light of the many times we reject Him- He comes through time and time again!