Second letter to Elli October 7, 2008

Little Elli,
I had imagined, when we first found out about your kidneys, that it would be difficult to lose a child. I never imagined that it would hurt, physically, as bad as this does. It seems like dads are supposed to not really feel anything. Well, it isn't the case.
I said I didn't want to have any regrets on the day you were born. I can't even think straight to type you something that makes sense. I keep listening to this same song over and over again. It talks about the world falling out from underneath and being found in Jesus. I so wish I could be at that point but at this moment I am just not feeling it. I know my mood will change and my hurt will ease for a little bit but I will be at this point again.
You look so much like Corban. It is shitty thing to have to live through. I never wanted to outlive one of my children. Mommy and I were talking the other day about how weird it is that mommy still looks pregnant. What do we have to show.....not our little baby. We so wished we could have brought you back home with us and cuddled you. We wished we could have heard you cry to the point that we just wanted an hour to rest.
It is amazing how attached to this flesh we can be sometimes. Your mommy put a blanket in with you because she didn't want your body to be cold. I thought, to myself, it is still fall in the South and she will be hot. With Winter approaching, I think about you little body being cold. It is such a twisted feeling to leave on of your kids in the ground and that to be "normal". Then to have to drive away. Not to be able to visit everyday, it seems like such a sucky thing. Had you lived, we would have not let you go without anything you needed but now we have to leave your body there...waiting.
What I wouldn't give to feel your little cheeks again. What your mommy wouldn't give to feel you silky hair again. What your sissy wouldn't give to dress you up, give you a bottle, change a diaper or give you a kiss. She looks at your pictures often and doesn't say anything for a little while. She usually opens up and talks but I think she knows exactly what mommy and daddy are going through.
Your big brother sure has been a lover since you were here. He is all the time telling us he loves us and giving big hugs and kisses. You even rocked Judah's world...and we thought he did all the "rocking". lol.
I know God won't let this go without redeeming the circumstances. If it weren't for that, your mommy, big sissy and bubby, I would just a soon be with you. I know this is just a moment and moments pass, for now, I wish the ache would ease just a little.
Love you,
Daddy

Dear Elli September 9, 2008

Baby girl,
I have no idea where to begin. First, I am so thankful for the time that we had with you. For fear that people will think we are more than we are I have to be honest and peel away the layers and get down to my heart.
I woke up this morning so sick I could hardly get out of bed. I was literally neasous. I thought, "I need to get up and open my books but.......I couldn't even think that far ahead of the moment." I got up and went to check on your mommy to make sure she was okay and give her meds to her. We talked with Uncle Shane for a minute and went to run an errand.
Your big sis called to tell us she needed a chocolate doughnut. I think she really wanted to talk about you but didn't want to do it over the phone. Mommy and I talked while we waited outside Harps. We had to just go in because we were cryind and knew we would never make it in if we didn't just do it then.
We got your sis' doughnuts and went out to see Papa, went and got food that the Francis' made for us and then we went to get bubby and big sissy at Grammy's house.
When we left there we went to see your body's grave. It was as hard to pull up today as it was the other day. It just doesn't seem right for there to be a grave for such a little body. Bubby got out of the van and ran out toward the grave and asked where his baby was. However brief you were here, he hasn't forgotten you and we will be sure to remind him of you. Sissy and daddy talked about your kidneys and how mean satan is. She informed mommy and daddy that she is going to pray for another little sister, that is calm and healthy! She said satan is not going to give your new sister any "owies" on her kidneys or anywhere else. When we left, eventhough you aren't there anymore, it still seems so unnatural to leave your little body there...waiting for night to come. It seemed even more heartbreaking as winter is on its way and it will be cold soon. We love taking care of your bubby and sissy and taking care of you would have been a joy as well.
After we left there, bubby wouldn't be quiet. It is good he is so funny 'cause we needed to laugh. We got to Harrison and ate lunch, nobody was going to make it otherwise. Bubby was such a gentleman, he opened the doors for the ladies and held mommy's hand to the door, so she wouldn't fall. Daddy made it halfway through lunch before I could hold the tears anymore. I lost my appetite as I thought about how we left Clarksville with you in mommy's tummy and now we had to go back home without you in our arms. Your mommy's arms started hurting to hold you.
Fast forward a few long hours and we are now home. Daddy tried to get everything unloaded and mommy came in. I was trying to hurry and let mommy go to your empty crib by herself. I think she needed a minute. We held eachother and cried.
Mommy's tummy is beginning to go down. This will be the first time that I sleep in our bed and don't feel your little kicks on my back and backside. I won't be able to feel mommy's tummy and fell your movements. I won't be able to make crazy noises and see mommy's tummy get all funky.
I am sure your day was much brighter and full of love. Like the song says, you have probably seen Noah's Ark, probably walked on those streets of gold and most importantly you have held the hand of Jesus' and felt the scars that made it possible for us to see you again one day. This we know and cling to, otherwise, it would just hurt too bad to go on.
One cool thing is, I laid my cheek on sissy's arm....and it was cool, it reminded me of your cheeks that night you left us. Eveytime I feel a cool sensation on my cheek, I will always think of you and close my eyes and pretend I have you again for a second.
Well, I need to get mommy to bed for a little rest. I love you and haven't forgotten you. My heart hurts to hold you and I can't imagine how bad mommy's must hurt. Please ask Jesus to make it a cold winter, so bubby and sissy will have lots of cold cheeks.
Daddy