Still missing you......

So, most days I try to stay positive and try to just be at peace. Jess and the kids left to go to Mountain Home for a baby shower today. I spent the morning doing some laundry and then went to study for a bit. When I got home, I don't know what happened. I got to missing our little girl. I went to look for the video slide show and coudn't hardly look for it I was crying so hard.

I found her little foot prints that we did. Now I can't stop crying. This sucks so bad. I know she is fine but I just can't get over how badly it hurts sometimes. I don't think I am normal.

I know she is in heaven. I am not worried for one second about her well being but our's....... I remember standing there with her. I was so paralyzed, I couldn't even pick her up b/c I was scared she would stop breathing. I couldn't even talk to her and I don't know why. All I could do was touch her. I didn't get to hold her up and just love on her until after she was gone. I have felt the loss of love before but never anything like this before.

This just sucks, no other way to put it. I am not happy with the circumstances. I am not happy she is gone. I am not happy that Judah has to tell people that his little sister is in the sky with Jesus. I am sick of seeing the pictures where Corban's heart is breaking. I am sick of the fact that Jess and I can't even be happy about the day we had b/c we miss her so badly.

I am so freaked out in school right now. I still haven't been able to pull it together. I have lost all respect for myself and fell like I have just screwed up everything we all have worked hard to get to at this point. I am hoping things will turn around by the fall. So, enough of the pitty party, huh? I know this is just part of it and I don't wish it on anyone, though I know we are so not alone. But this is one cup that I wish had've passed us up.

To actually hear her you may have to pause the music player....