Saturday, April 18, 2009

Still missing you......


So, most days I try to stay positive and try to just be at peace. Jess and the kids left to go to Mountain Home for a baby shower today. I spent the morning doing some laundry and then went to study for a bit. When I got home, I don't know what happened. I got to missing our little girl. I went to look for the video slide show and coudn't hardly look for it I was crying so hard.


I found her little foot prints that we did. Now I can't stop crying. This sucks so bad. I know she is fine but I just can't get over how badly it hurts sometimes. I don't think I am normal.


I know she is in heaven. I am not worried for one second about her well being but our's....... I remember standing there with her. I was so paralyzed, I couldn't even pick her up b/c I was scared she would stop breathing. I couldn't even talk to her and I don't know why. All I could do was touch her. I didn't get to hold her up and just love on her until after she was gone. I have felt the loss of love before but never anything like this before.


This just sucks, no other way to put it. I am not happy with the circumstances. I am not happy she is gone. I am not happy that Judah has to tell people that his little sister is in the sky with Jesus. I am sick of seeing the pictures where Corban's heart is breaking. I am sick of the fact that Jess and I can't even be happy about the day we had b/c we miss her so badly.


I am so freaked out in school right now. I still haven't been able to pull it together. I have lost all respect for myself and fell like I have just screwed up everything we all have worked hard to get to at this point. I am hoping things will turn around by the fall. So, enough of the pitty party, huh? I know this is just part of it and I don't wish it on anyone, though I know we are so not alone. But this is one cup that I wish had've passed us up.
To actually hear her you may have to pause the music player....

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Good grief.

This weekend I was supposed to go to a conference for a Biological Honor Society of which I am apart. Jess has been sick lately and some of the stuff around the house has gotten a little out of the normal. Jess is such a neat freak and I know it has really been bothering her so I decided to stay home and help out. It is always good for me to do that and to realize just how much she does to keep our home as nice as it always is. No matter what I do, it never looks the same as when she does it.


So, this weekend was strange. I know when God is about to show me something usually b/c I get very restless and I will do anything other than just sit still like he wants me to. Today is Sunday and tomorrow I have a test in Organic that I have been studying for but am still very nervous about taking, it is Organic and who isn't nervous about those exams. Anyway, my study nature usually goes like this....study, break, study, eat, study, find something else to do, study, even yard work sounds good at this point.


So, what did I do? I fired up the lawn mower. Darn thing. Last summer when I wanted it to work it would take forever when it was bloody 120 degrees outside. This time of year, a beautiful 60 degrees with a cool breeze blowing- the stupid thing started right up. Anyway, I mow a little in the front with our push mower and then our sweet neighbor, Mrs. Donna, always lets me use her riding lawn mower to mow the rest. It never fails, when I ride over on her mower the kids magically appear! Judah was first this time. We made a couple of laps around the yard and I got to thinking about Elli. Grief is such a funny thing. It, for me, usually pops up in the strangest ways and at the weirdest times. So, I was thinking about the tulips we have that bloomed and all of the pretty weeds Corban loves(because they have little purple flowers on them) and I really got to missing Elli. I was missing the fact that this was the first Spring since her birth and she was not here to celebrate it with us- life. So, I couldn't help but start to cry and Judah looked up at me with the sweetest little smile. I just hugged him and and kept going. After we made a few laps and it was time to move on to the other side of the lawn, Corban came out and took her turn.


As the day progressed, I kept getting madder and madder thinking about the fact that Elli was missing out on so much. I think I was most angry with the fact that I missed her and I knew everyone else did too. A few nights ago, we went to see Natalie Grant in concert. She sand the song, "Held", which is one of the songs we played at Elli's funeral. She also sang another song, "In Better Hands Now". That song pretty much broke Jess and I down. Even now thinking about it........I never knew my heart could ache quite like this. Wanting to hold someone so badly and to not be able to, it just hurts. I guess all of this had been building for a few days and I just didn't notice. Finally at some point during my lawn work, I remembered the song written by Angie and Todd Smith (co-authored with another lady whose name fails me at this moment) that we also played at Elli's funeral. It talks about the expectations we have of doing all these things with our child and how hurtful it is not being able to do them. Then, it goes on to talk about all of the things the child gets to do with Jesus. It goes on to talk abou tall the things that they get to see, do and most importantly- who they are with! So, I finally just sat down and took my place. I realized that she, Elli, has it so much better than Corban and Judah even.


I am about to go see someone this week who, for all I know, doesn't know Jesus at all. A person who is fighting for life and is losing the battle very quickly. As bad as my heart aches to hold my daughter, I step back and see that Jesus is aching to hold this person in His arms. I realize what I am powerless to do. I realize that there will likely be no opportunity unless He provides it. It is someone I know only in passing, so to speak. Though I do not know them very well, my heart is heavily burdened for this person and the relationship that Jesus wants to have with them.



I don't know if anyone even reads this blog. I think I am the only one, lol. If not, I hope that anyone who does, will pray for this person with me. I don't want to mention a name. For this person's sake, I guess we could call them Elli. This person is like our Elli. Jesus longs to hold this person and I can, in a sense, feel the ache. I pray that by the power of the Holy Spirit, this Elli comes to Jesus before the opportunity passes. I think that this is something I would have picked up on sooner, if I were more sensitive to the Spirit myself. Regardless, it is perfect and will be perfect with His touch. I already feel a sense of peace coming down. Though I still feel burdened, I know that things will happen as they should.


In closing, I am always measuring myself as a husband, father, student, son, and whatever else I can drum up. I always come up short. But, I am reminded at times that He never comes up short. When we were at the concert the other night, I looked over and Corban was waiving her hands, dancing and just praising the Lord- something I am too dignified to do. While I, in my narrow minded sophistication, lack the courage to step out of my comfort zone, I am reminded that God can do so much when our focus isn't on us and even when we can't let it all go, He makes a way through and around us to bring others to Himself. I pray that He was blessed by the little six year old dancing and praising His name......and I hope to be more like her soon!



Friday, April 3, 2009

Judah's first t-ball practice......


Judah started t-ball this week and it was so much fun to watch our son do something I did over 25 years ago. It is still mind boggling to actually be able to say 25 years ago, I did this or that. Anyway, back to Judah. You should see him throw the ball. That kid has an arm I tell you. Running bases....well, that is going to take some work and FOCUS. His first trip to first base led him right threw the pitchers mound and almost to third before he finally heard everyone screaming his name, lol. At the "t", he hit the ball both time on the second try, whew, no one even knew we hadn't practiced that yet, lol. So, there is more as only Judah could provide. So, Judah and I have this male, beating our chest, we are strong men complex when we are together. Never knew having a son could be so much fun. Well, it can backfire at times too. His second turn to bat, he walked up to pick a bat. The lady told him pick any bat you want. There were probably ten to twelve bats from which to choose. There were red, blue, black and designer bats. And then......there were girly bats. Yep, flaming pink bats! Judah took one look at the bats, took an even closer look and made his prized selection. A PINK PRINCESS BAT!!!!!!!!!! I almost crawled under the bleachers. Then we laughed our butts off. Too funny. That boy that wants to fight me, punches me in the nose sometimes, puts his feet in my face, and scratches his rear when he pees- yep, "that boy" picked a pink bat! These truly are the best days of life!