Some days are good and some are not so good.....

I hardly know what to write but I feel like I should write something, as a means of therapy if nothing else. Most days, things get so busy and hectic that I can go for a an hour or so without thinking about things but usually it catches up to me in some way or another. I never realized what things were deep inside and just how vivid fears were until the unthinkable actually happened. And yet, still I can think of things that would make things even worse. I am not one to dwell on stuff like that though.

One thing I have learned through all of this is that I still have to lay my entire family on the altar daily and trust in the One who is allowing me the chance to share this life with them. I have finally come to the realization that this life isn't just about me and what I want- not that I live in that realization all of the time. There is so much more to this life than what we experience in the here and now. I know we don't see with the clarity that will one day be shared with us, until then, I will keep plugging along at the relationship.

I have also learned how amazing the love of God is. It isn't based on how I feel or what I think it should be- it just is. I am comorted in the fact that I cannot quantify the magnitude and the depth of His love. I simply come.

One thing that has been really hard lately is to hear and see people praising God when things are going well. I have tried to think of the reasons why I feel that way. Probably it is closely connected to jealousy. I want something they have and can't have it. At the same time, I am having to praise God when things haven't gone as I had planned or wanted. Then I am reminded, it isn't even me that has the power to praise Him during difficult times. It is the love that He gives and the praise that He puts in my heart. Who am I to say from what and where their praise is coming.

I guess in the end, it just hurts badly to miss someone. Even more so, it really hurts to watch Jess and Corban hurt. Both of them are very loving and giving and to watch them hurt almost makes it double the weight. In time, they will have to surrender the flesh to the Spirit and walk daily in the realization that this life is but a brief pass. I wish I was there too. We are supposed to be getting some pictures soon and those little things make it seem like there are still some things to look forward to with Elli. We really need to have more family pictures taken but it is going to be really hard to without little Elli there.