The chair.......

Wow. What a week. Jess has recently started working at a local daycare in the afternoons. She loves working with kids, is very organized, and loves to help people in general. She is awesome for the job. I think, once they figure out what an asset she truly is, they will want her to work more. I think that would be great for her but I really want her to go to school and finish her degree. I can understand her hesitancy but I really want her to be able to finish to have that accomplishment. She is such an awesome mom and wife and daughter and grand-daughter and friend. If and when I make it through school it will be less of a tribute and more of a tribute to what men can accomplish with wonderful, supportive and longsuffering wives. I love my wife she is a true treasure.

Coban is awesome. That girl has not had her name on the board ONCE, all YEAR. I was in her class one day, I don't know if this is the norm but kids-during the time they clean up, would come up to her and ask her where stuff was supposed to go. She definitely gets that from her mommy. She is such a sensitive and caring person. She thinks about Elli all the time. She says she thinks about her when she wakes up, throughout the day, and at night too. We are scared to have more kids, kind of, not really scared just hesitant I guess. For her sake, I hope we can have atleast one more. It really doesn't matter how she comes to us but...... Anyway, another thing she does that is the most precious thing. One night, we had gotten home late and Judah was asleep and I brought him in and put him on the couch. A few minutes later, Corban came in with a warm washrag and started to clean his face up- he always gets dirty when he eats! She wiped his face off, took his shoes off, took his pants off and went to take his coat off. It was really hard because he was basically dead weight and she finally asked for help. She will also go and put a blanket on him before she goes to bed, which both of them are so hot natured they won't keep a blanket on themselves. Anyway, she is awesome. She is loving, loayal, high-strung, faithful and has amazing character. She does what is right when no one is looking. One last tidbit about her. Because she hasn't had her name on the board, she was nominated last semester for Character award. Well, this term, when it came around again her teacher had to select someone different from her class (I guess it is only once child from each classroom). Anyway, the boy that was supposed to get it wasn't there and Corban was next in line. She came home with her picture, the one with all the other kids too, and was upset when Jess asked her about it b/c she knew she wasn't the one that was supposed to be there. Okay, enough bragging. I just love her and am soooo proud of the girl she is and it is all by the grace of God.

Judah, well, I will have to post a whole blog about him. Let's just suffice it to say, he is still wild and a sweetie. He is all the time singing advertisements from commercials on TV. He is absolutely hilarious. He also talks in this really high-pitch voice when he gets excited. Luckily, I can make the same pitch and we have fun acting like ding-dongs together. I never thought I would be a good dad to a son, so I always wanted girls. Well, ready or not, he is here and he is an absolute blast!! My little buddy! I can't imagine life without him.

Several people don't understand how we can say we are okay or blessed after losing Elli. It isn't that we aren't sad or that we don't have our bad days. We do. We got her CD collage today. I watched it and cried for about an hour. I cried hard. It was so vivid and the music, I am very senstitive to music, was amazing and took me right back to that day. We have some very sad days. Some days that we are sad and we can't even put it into words. BUT, we did get to hold her. Many families have lost babies and under different circumstances(they never are the same). We are chosing to walk on and hold on very tightly to the love that our friends share and the love that is only found in Jesus. He is so amazing. It isn't about how we perceive his love that makes it grand, it is the fact that He does love us so much.....He very intricately places things into our lives when He knows we need them the most. This brings me to my last point. The last month of Elli's pregnancy, Jess had to sleep in a recliner we bought especially for her that has now been handed over to me (booooo.....ya!), I know, I'm a man. Anyway, when we checked into our hotel after leaving the hospital, the day before our second daughter's funeral, and thirty minutes after we held her lifeless body and watched our, then, five year old daughter weap.......we walked into our room to find a recliner the same style and even the same color as ours!!! I have never even stayed in a hotel that had a typical recliner!!! Infact, that is probably not that amazing since I haven't stayed in any big, fancy hotel but it was amazing because I knew who placed it there......Thank you Jesus.

I can't figure out how to move the pictures where I want them. I tried to copy it but it didn't work...that is why it is at the top.

Some days are good and some are not so good.....

I hardly know what to write but I feel like I should write something, as a means of therapy if nothing else. Most days, things get so busy and hectic that I can go for a an hour or so without thinking about things but usually it catches up to me in some way or another. I never realized what things were deep inside and just how vivid fears were until the unthinkable actually happened. And yet, still I can think of things that would make things even worse. I am not one to dwell on stuff like that though.

One thing I have learned through all of this is that I still have to lay my entire family on the altar daily and trust in the One who is allowing me the chance to share this life with them. I have finally come to the realization that this life isn't just about me and what I want- not that I live in that realization all of the time. There is so much more to this life than what we experience in the here and now. I know we don't see with the clarity that will one day be shared with us, until then, I will keep plugging along at the relationship.

I have also learned how amazing the love of God is. It isn't based on how I feel or what I think it should be- it just is. I am comorted in the fact that I cannot quantify the magnitude and the depth of His love. I simply come.

One thing that has been really hard lately is to hear and see people praising God when things are going well. I have tried to think of the reasons why I feel that way. Probably it is closely connected to jealousy. I want something they have and can't have it. At the same time, I am having to praise God when things haven't gone as I had planned or wanted. Then I am reminded, it isn't even me that has the power to praise Him during difficult times. It is the love that He gives and the praise that He puts in my heart. Who am I to say from what and where their praise is coming.

I guess in the end, it just hurts badly to miss someone. Even more so, it really hurts to watch Jess and Corban hurt. Both of them are very loving and giving and to watch them hurt almost makes it double the weight. In time, they will have to surrender the flesh to the Spirit and walk daily in the realization that this life is but a brief pass. I wish I was there too. We are supposed to be getting some pictures soon and those little things make it seem like there are still some things to look forward to with Elli. We really need to have more family pictures taken but it is going to be really hard to without little Elli there.