Still missing you......

So, most days I try to stay positive and try to just be at peace. Jess and the kids left to go to Mountain Home for a baby shower today. I spent the morning doing some laundry and then went to study for a bit. When I got home, I don't know what happened. I got to missing our little girl. I went to look for the video slide show and coudn't hardly look for it I was crying so hard.

I found her little foot prints that we did. Now I can't stop crying. This sucks so bad. I know she is fine but I just can't get over how badly it hurts sometimes. I don't think I am normal.

I know she is in heaven. I am not worried for one second about her well being but our's....... I remember standing there with her. I was so paralyzed, I couldn't even pick her up b/c I was scared she would stop breathing. I couldn't even talk to her and I don't know why. All I could do was touch her. I didn't get to hold her up and just love on her until after she was gone. I have felt the loss of love before but never anything like this before.

This just sucks, no other way to put it. I am not happy with the circumstances. I am not happy she is gone. I am not happy that Judah has to tell people that his little sister is in the sky with Jesus. I am sick of seeing the pictures where Corban's heart is breaking. I am sick of the fact that Jess and I can't even be happy about the day we had b/c we miss her so badly.

I am so freaked out in school right now. I still haven't been able to pull it together. I have lost all respect for myself and fell like I have just screwed up everything we all have worked hard to get to at this point. I am hoping things will turn around by the fall. So, enough of the pitty party, huh? I know this is just part of it and I don't wish it on anyone, though I know we are so not alone. But this is one cup that I wish had've passed us up.

To actually hear her you may have to pause the music player....

Good grief.

This weekend I was supposed to go to a conference for a Biological Honor Society of which I am apart. Jess has been sick lately and some of the stuff around the house has gotten a little out of the normal. Jess is such a neat freak and I know it has really been bothering her so I decided to stay home and help out. It is always good for me to do that and to realize just how much she does to keep our home as nice as it always is. No matter what I do, it never looks the same as when she does it.

So, this weekend was strange. I know when God is about to show me something usually b/c I get very restless and I will do anything other than just sit still like he wants me to. Today is Sunday and tomorrow I have a test in Organic that I have been studying for but am still very nervous about taking, it is Organic and who isn't nervous about those exams. Anyway, my study nature usually goes like this....study, break, study, eat, study, find something else to do, study, even yard work sounds good at this point.

So, what did I do? I fired up the lawn mower. Darn thing. Last summer when I wanted it to work it would take forever when it was bloody 120 degrees outside. This time of year, a beautiful 60 degrees with a cool breeze blowing- the stupid thing started right up. Anyway, I mow a little in the front with our push mower and then our sweet neighbor, Mrs. Donna, always lets me use her riding lawn mower to mow the rest. It never fails, when I ride over on her mower the kids magically appear! Judah was first this time. We made a couple of laps around the yard and I got to thinking about Elli. Grief is such a funny thing. It, for me, usually pops up in the strangest ways and at the weirdest times. So, I was thinking about the tulips we have that bloomed and all of the pretty weeds Corban loves(because they have little purple flowers on them) and I really got to missing Elli. I was missing the fact that this was the first Spring since her birth and she was not here to celebrate it with us- life. So, I couldn't help but start to cry and Judah looked up at me with the sweetest little smile. I just hugged him and and kept going. After we made a few laps and it was time to move on to the other side of the lawn, Corban came out and took her turn.

As the day progressed, I kept getting madder and madder thinking about the fact that Elli was missing out on so much. I think I was most angry with the fact that I missed her and I knew everyone else did too. A few nights ago, we went to see Natalie Grant in concert. She sand the song, "Held", which is one of the songs we played at Elli's funeral. She also sang another song, "In Better Hands Now". That song pretty much broke Jess and I down. Even now thinking about it........I never knew my heart could ache quite like this. Wanting to hold someone so badly and to not be able to, it just hurts. I guess all of this had been building for a few days and I just didn't notice. Finally at some point during my lawn work, I remembered the song written by Angie and Todd Smith (co-authored with another lady whose name fails me at this moment) that we also played at Elli's funeral. It talks about the expectations we have of doing all these things with our child and how hurtful it is not being able to do them. Then, it goes on to talk about all of the things the child gets to do with Jesus. It goes on to talk abou tall the things that they get to see, do and most importantly- who they are with! So, I finally just sat down and took my place. I realized that she, Elli, has it so much better than Corban and Judah even.

I am about to go see someone this week who, for all I know, doesn't know Jesus at all. A person who is fighting for life and is losing the battle very quickly. As bad as my heart aches to hold my daughter, I step back and see that Jesus is aching to hold this person in His arms. I realize what I am powerless to do. I realize that there will likely be no opportunity unless He provides it. It is someone I know only in passing, so to speak. Though I do not know them very well, my heart is heavily burdened for this person and the relationship that Jesus wants to have with them.

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog. I think I am the only one, lol. If not, I hope that anyone who does, will pray for this person with me. I don't want to mention a name. For this person's sake, I guess we could call them Elli. This person is like our Elli. Jesus longs to hold this person and I can, in a sense, feel the ache. I pray that by the power of the Holy Spirit, this Elli comes to Jesus before the opportunity passes. I think that this is something I would have picked up on sooner, if I were more sensitive to the Spirit myself. Regardless, it is perfect and will be perfect with His touch. I already feel a sense of peace coming down. Though I still feel burdened, I know that things will happen as they should.

In closing, I am always measuring myself as a husband, father, student, son, and whatever else I can drum up. I always come up short. But, I am reminded at times that He never comes up short. When we were at the concert the other night, I looked over and Corban was waiving her hands, dancing and just praising the Lord- something I am too dignified to do. While I, in my narrow minded sophistication, lack the courage to step out of my comfort zone, I am reminded that God can do so much when our focus isn't on us and even when we can't let it all go, He makes a way through and around us to bring others to Himself. I pray that He was blessed by the little six year old dancing and praising His name......and I hope to be more like her soon!

Judah's first t-ball practice......

Judah started t-ball this week and it was so much fun to watch our son do something I did over 25 years ago. It is still mind boggling to actually be able to say 25 years ago, I did this or that. Anyway, back to Judah. You should see him throw the ball. That kid has an arm I tell you. Running bases....well, that is going to take some work and FOCUS. His first trip to first base led him right threw the pitchers mound and almost to third before he finally heard everyone screaming his name, lol. At the "t", he hit the ball both time on the second try, whew, no one even knew we hadn't practiced that yet, lol. So, there is more as only Judah could provide. So, Judah and I have this male, beating our chest, we are strong men complex when we are together. Never knew having a son could be so much fun. Well, it can backfire at times too. His second turn to bat, he walked up to pick a bat. The lady told him pick any bat you want. There were probably ten to twelve bats from which to choose. There were red, blue, black and designer bats. And then......there were girly bats. Yep, flaming pink bats! Judah took one look at the bats, took an even closer look and made his prized selection. A PINK PRINCESS BAT!!!!!!!!!! I almost crawled under the bleachers. Then we laughed our butts off. Too funny. That boy that wants to fight me, punches me in the nose sometimes, puts his feet in my face, and scratches his rear when he pees- yep, "that boy" picked a pink bat! These truly are the best days of life!

Shortened version

Okay, so the last blog went on forever and I still didn't finish. Here is the shortened version.

I noticed last Saturday that our dog Pink was in heat. This wasn't supposed to happen until April 1st and we were going to drive Pink out over spring break. Since she came in early, we decided that Judah and I would go ahead and take her. So, we set out at about 6 pm last Saturday and planned to return late Sunday evening. We got just passed Birmingham, Alabama and a drunk and allegedly high lady drove us off the road. The lady was taken to the hospital by paramedics. Judah, Pink and I hitched a ride with a couple of soldiers who were on leave. They drove us to where we were going. Those guys were amazing and I am grateful to have people like them defending our country. Anyway, they got us to North, South Carolina, I know it is weird but that is where they live. Our friends, David and Shannon, have the male that we are breeding Pink to. They were awesome! They took great care of us and sat in a waiting room with us for three hours waiting to be seen. When they finally got us back to see a doc, they informed us that we had to go to another clinic b/c their x-ray machine had just broken on the patient before us. So, David and Shannon took us to another clinic. They got us in quickly, checked us out, shot x-rays, and gave us scripts and a note stating I should not drive home. Earlier that morning Shannon had already booked our flight home for Monday.

So, Monday we got up and Shannon drove Judah and me to Charlotte, NC, to get on our plane. I had started hurting immediately after the wreck and was hurting but still okay at this point. We got through checking in, security-dummy me put my x-rays in the x-ray machine!!!- and got to our gate. We flew to Memphis. We had to wait about an hour and a half for the flight to LR. About an hour after waiting I started hurting more. I didn't even think to check for a gate change. When I realized that it had changed we had five minutes til departure. I picked Judah up and ran to our gate. After this, I was hurting so badly I couldn't even move my eyes without excrutiating pain. They booked us on another flight leaving at 7pm and it was 3 pm by this time. At 4:30pm I couldn't move, at all. That was the worste pain I have ever experienced. Judah was awesome. He brought me a drink and when I couldn't take it anymore, he went and told a girl that his daddy needed a hospital.

I called my grandmother and asked her if she and my grandpa could take me to the hospital b/c I didn't think I could make the flight home. They came and got me and my cousin said she would come and get Judah for me. Luckily, my aunt and uncle came and got Judah and took him to my cousin's, April, house. Jessica and Corban left LR and came to Southhaven, MS. to see me. We got there, at the hospital at 5 pm, and left at 11:23pm. The doctor got mad b/c I asked him to re-shoot the x-rays getting my whole spine. He came back in the room, was rude, and said they still looked okay. They gave me a shot which was useless and gave me a script for a pain med and an anti-inflammatory that I specifically asked them not to write for me.

Jess couldn't wait to see Judah so we stayed with my cousin that night. We left at about 9 am the next morning. We went by the airport to get our luggage and came home. My face, my left arm and parts of my back are going numb- we assume it is just the pinched nerve but that is about it. We are praying that our dog gets pregnant!!!!! We are thankful for family and friends that are family to us. We are so appreciative for the people that helped us out that night, the guys that drove us- Bobby V. and Chris-, Shannon and David. We could not be more blessed.

I was taking the flexeril as frequently as the pain med, neither of which did anything but take the edge off. Um, I looked it up online and I was way overdosing on the muscle relaxer. It did allow me to get some sleep. Jess had to listen to me FREAK out anytime a white car would pass us on the interstate. I always thought that Post Traumatic Stress was a bunch of junk, unless you had been to war. OMG, that stuff is real. I can't tell you how many times I had to push the imaginery brake....poor Jess. So, its hurting again, so I better go. Thank you Jesus, thank you Jess, and thank you David and Shannon!

Road trip, bad/good drunk people, breeding doggies....

So, last Saturday I was brushing my dog and noticed that she had come in. No big deal, we were planning on breeding her this time around. We were planning on her coming in around the first of April though. I called our friend in South Carolina and the way our schedules are going I really needed to get her out there that weekend. Since we didn't know the exact date she had started we didn't really need to miss this cycle, so Judah and I packed up at about 6 pm and hit the road.

It was a rather uneventful trip for the first six hours. Judah was drinking my Dr. Pepper and eating tic tacs. He was re-telling stories through his three year old eyes and needless to say, I was entertained. About 10 pm, he finally went to sleep. We made it through Tupelo and then Birmingham. Maybe about an hour the other side of Birmingham, near a Town called Anniston, a white car drove up on our tail end. She was so close there was no pumping the brakes to get rid of her. She passed us and drove ahead. I didn't know what he deal was and flashed my brights at her. We kept driving for a minute or two and then she slows down and stops in the middle of I-20. Finally, it occurred to me that she was probably drinking. I should have just pulled off the road but at almost 3 am, losing and hour going east, and losing an hour with the time change, I pulled over to the right and passed her. I got about 1/2 a mile down the road and then she starts driving again. We drove for several minutes and then she comes up on us again. She got right on our bumper and then swurved to the left like she was going to pass and then lost control and pushed us off the road. We did a couple of 360's and she hit us a couple times in between. We finally hit the bottom of the ditch and our front tires were in the half-pike concrete ditch and she hit us a final time and we(Judah and I were facing the interstate again). He car was upside down with her driver's side bumper up next to my rear driver's side bumper.

When it all stopped, I looked back to see where her car was. I saw a couple of flames shoot up and said a real quick prayer. I looked over at Judah, who had been asleep and he was awake with a "what the hell" look on his little face. I unbuckled myself and then him. Pink reached up front sniffed Judah. When I got him unbuckled, I grabbed him and set him up on the hill away from everything. I went back to the car to get his blanket before her car blew and she started asking for help. You can imagine what came out of my mouth and let me say it wasn't very pretty. I told her when my son was cared for I would help her sorry ass out. I got Judah's blanket and got him wrapped up. I went back to look for my cell so that I could call the police. About this time she got out of her car and told me she thought she was hurt and bleeding. She asked me to look at her face and I did, it had a small bruise next to her left eye. Big baby. She said her shoulder was hurting and I told her it should be. She kept asking me, "what happened". I told her she had some serious road rage issues and her dumb ass ran us off the road. She then proceeds to ask if she can use my phone to call her mom. I told her after I FIND my phone I am calling the cops and then we will call her mommy. She asked me why I was being so nice to her, I assume she expected I should be her dumb self in the ground, I told her she wasn't my primary concern at the moment.

So, anyway, moving on in the story, this one guy stops to help us. He let me borrow his phone to call the police, who btw suck in Alabama. She kept wanting to call her mommy. The guy that helped us, we will call him drunk guy #2. His friend, drunk guy #1 called drunk guy #2 to tell him to stop and help us b/c he was less drunk that drunk guy #1. CRAZY! Anyway, drunk guy number #2 was very nice, he put Judah in his truck and turned the heat up and stood there by him. He asked the crazy lady, the woman that hit us, how much she had been drinking and if she needed anything out of her car. She said she had some hash in her car and needed her cell phone. **Oh yeah, earlier she had asked me to climb in her upside down car to get her cell for her........"yeah, right away sweetheart!"** So, the paramedics got there and strapped her sorry but to the stretcher. She was asking for pain meds but they said all they had with them was morphine and since they could smell the alcohol on her they couldn't give her any and she would have to suck it up. They looked at me and asked me if I was okay. I told them my back had started to hurt and they said "okay" and got in the ambulance and drove off. Not sure, maybe I should have told them I couldn't breathe....not real sure what you are supposed to tell them to ge them to care for you....obviously, "my back is hurting" doesn't work.

The police came blah, blah, blah. A couple of guys who were on leave from Iraq were there and just happened to be going to Myrtle Beach, the other side of where we were going. The piled us in their vehicle and took us with them. AWESOME guys!! It is amazing what stories you hear and how different things really are where they are serving and what is on the news! hah!

So, really weird things from that nite. The drunk ladies mom showed up and asked me if we were going to put her daughter in jail. I was very polite and asked her what she thought her daughter was entitled to running us off the road. This ladies son, the drunk driver's brother, said she had run a red mustang off the road. I told her I wanted her daughter in some kind of rehab and jail could come after that but that she obviously needed help and you-her mother- obviously didn't care enough to give her some tough love. I told her that if there had've been a scratch on my son, she wouldn't have needed the paramedics, she would have needed the coroner.

So, the guys that were helping us out that night were all smoking and cussing. Judah told them that smoking was bad for them. They asked him why and he told them that smoking causes cancer and they would have to go to the hospital and would likely die. lol. He also told them they were using bad words like daddy did earlier, lol.

That is all I feel like writing about right now. We are very thankful we weren't hurt worse than we are and that we had awesome people helping us and our friends in South Carolina, Shannon and David are AWESOME and took excellent care of us and found us a cheap flight for our ride home. Will write more later.

The chair.......

Wow. What a week. Jess has recently started working at a local daycare in the afternoons. She loves working with kids, is very organized, and loves to help people in general. She is awesome for the job. I think, once they figure out what an asset she truly is, they will want her to work more. I think that would be great for her but I really want her to go to school and finish her degree. I can understand her hesitancy but I really want her to be able to finish to have that accomplishment. She is such an awesome mom and wife and daughter and grand-daughter and friend. If and when I make it through school it will be less of a tribute and more of a tribute to what men can accomplish with wonderful, supportive and longsuffering wives. I love my wife she is a true treasure.

Coban is awesome. That girl has not had her name on the board ONCE, all YEAR. I was in her class one day, I don't know if this is the norm but kids-during the time they clean up, would come up to her and ask her where stuff was supposed to go. She definitely gets that from her mommy. She is such a sensitive and caring person. She thinks about Elli all the time. She says she thinks about her when she wakes up, throughout the day, and at night too. We are scared to have more kids, kind of, not really scared just hesitant I guess. For her sake, I hope we can have atleast one more. It really doesn't matter how she comes to us but...... Anyway, another thing she does that is the most precious thing. One night, we had gotten home late and Judah was asleep and I brought him in and put him on the couch. A few minutes later, Corban came in with a warm washrag and started to clean his face up- he always gets dirty when he eats! She wiped his face off, took his shoes off, took his pants off and went to take his coat off. It was really hard because he was basically dead weight and she finally asked for help. She will also go and put a blanket on him before she goes to bed, which both of them are so hot natured they won't keep a blanket on themselves. Anyway, she is awesome. She is loving, loayal, high-strung, faithful and has amazing character. She does what is right when no one is looking. One last tidbit about her. Because she hasn't had her name on the board, she was nominated last semester for Character award. Well, this term, when it came around again her teacher had to select someone different from her class (I guess it is only once child from each classroom). Anyway, the boy that was supposed to get it wasn't there and Corban was next in line. She came home with her picture, the one with all the other kids too, and was upset when Jess asked her about it b/c she knew she wasn't the one that was supposed to be there. Okay, enough bragging. I just love her and am soooo proud of the girl she is and it is all by the grace of God.

Judah, well, I will have to post a whole blog about him. Let's just suffice it to say, he is still wild and a sweetie. He is all the time singing advertisements from commercials on TV. He is absolutely hilarious. He also talks in this really high-pitch voice when he gets excited. Luckily, I can make the same pitch and we have fun acting like ding-dongs together. I never thought I would be a good dad to a son, so I always wanted girls. Well, ready or not, he is here and he is an absolute blast!! My little buddy! I can't imagine life without him.

Several people don't understand how we can say we are okay or blessed after losing Elli. It isn't that we aren't sad or that we don't have our bad days. We do. We got her CD collage today. I watched it and cried for about an hour. I cried hard. It was so vivid and the music, I am very senstitive to music, was amazing and took me right back to that day. We have some very sad days. Some days that we are sad and we can't even put it into words. BUT, we did get to hold her. Many families have lost babies and under different circumstances(they never are the same). We are chosing to walk on and hold on very tightly to the love that our friends share and the love that is only found in Jesus. He is so amazing. It isn't about how we perceive his love that makes it grand, it is the fact that He does love us so much.....He very intricately places things into our lives when He knows we need them the most. This brings me to my last point. The last month of Elli's pregnancy, Jess had to sleep in a recliner we bought especially for her that has now been handed over to me (booooo.....ya!), I know, I'm a man. Anyway, when we checked into our hotel after leaving the hospital, the day before our second daughter's funeral, and thirty minutes after we held her lifeless body and watched our, then, five year old daughter weap.......we walked into our room to find a recliner the same style and even the same color as ours!!! I have never even stayed in a hotel that had a typical recliner!!! Infact, that is probably not that amazing since I haven't stayed in any big, fancy hotel but it was amazing because I knew who placed it there......Thank you Jesus.

I can't figure out how to move the pictures where I want them. I tried to copy it but it didn't work...that is why it is at the top.

Some days are good and some are not so good.....

I hardly know what to write but I feel like I should write something, as a means of therapy if nothing else. Most days, things get so busy and hectic that I can go for a an hour or so without thinking about things but usually it catches up to me in some way or another. I never realized what things were deep inside and just how vivid fears were until the unthinkable actually happened. And yet, still I can think of things that would make things even worse. I am not one to dwell on stuff like that though.

One thing I have learned through all of this is that I still have to lay my entire family on the altar daily and trust in the One who is allowing me the chance to share this life with them. I have finally come to the realization that this life isn't just about me and what I want- not that I live in that realization all of the time. There is so much more to this life than what we experience in the here and now. I know we don't see with the clarity that will one day be shared with us, until then, I will keep plugging along at the relationship.

I have also learned how amazing the love of God is. It isn't based on how I feel or what I think it should be- it just is. I am comorted in the fact that I cannot quantify the magnitude and the depth of His love. I simply come.

One thing that has been really hard lately is to hear and see people praising God when things are going well. I have tried to think of the reasons why I feel that way. Probably it is closely connected to jealousy. I want something they have and can't have it. At the same time, I am having to praise God when things haven't gone as I had planned or wanted. Then I am reminded, it isn't even me that has the power to praise Him during difficult times. It is the love that He gives and the praise that He puts in my heart. Who am I to say from what and where their praise is coming.

I guess in the end, it just hurts badly to miss someone. Even more so, it really hurts to watch Jess and Corban hurt. Both of them are very loving and giving and to watch them hurt almost makes it double the weight. In time, they will have to surrender the flesh to the Spirit and walk daily in the realization that this life is but a brief pass. I wish I was there too. We are supposed to be getting some pictures soon and those little things make it seem like there are still some things to look forward to with Elli. We really need to have more family pictures taken but it is going to be really hard to without little Elli there.