God has answered...Blessed!

Kicking and Screaming

2010-11-20T22:07:00.001-08:00

So, I am reading the book, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I am reading the words on the pages but I can not tell you from one second to the next what I just read because I feel like I am living the Summer of 2008 all over again.

I feel like so much was going on at the time. Jess was in so much pain from carrying Elli and also from her acne. We still do not know exactly what it was that started the acne. We have yet to hear of another woman carrying a baby with same type of issues that has suffered from it. She was literally in so much pain throughout the days and nights that I do not know how she survived. She slept so little. School was about to start up for me and I tried to get focused for what I knew would be a crazy semester. I think I really skipped the denial phase. I think I hit it a little but nothing compared to what I am feeling now.

As I read this book, I feel like I am back during that time "kicking and screaming" for things not to happen the way that they did. I have read before that in order to truly deal with a hurt from the past, one must revisit it and walk through it especially if things weren't dealt with at that particular time. It is with the hope of being able to lay to rest some of my misguided depression that I am going back. People talk about me being a good dad. I suppose I am not the worst but I have not been the best. I have wanted everything to be on hold.

I think part of me stopped breathing two years ago and I have neglected some of the most intimate moments with Corban and Judah. So, over the last week, I have been talking to them about what happened with Elli and discussing is going on now with them and their grief. In my silent grief, I have totally neglected their grief and even Jess'. A lot of good discussions have occurred and I hope that we are to something that will help us all.

We don't sit and dwell on things and wallow in the sorrow but we do pay it respect, talk very openly about it, and then talk about how there were a lot of things that no one knew in that situation. There are a few regrets on all of our parts but we discuss how there was no way to know otherwise and that in the end, we are very thankful for the time we had with Elli. We had so much more time then other people have had with their babies and yet it will never be enough.

Even so, discussing it all...while reading this book I find myself begging for the inevitable not to happen. I am so grateful for a loving Father that does comfort as I accept it and has sustained us through it all. I am thankful for children that are sensitive enough to know that we are hurting to and children who graciously forgive us. I am constantly amazed at how clearly they do see things that we miss.

I still feel like there is really no point in writing any of this out. However, if one person reads it and can identify with any part of it, it will be well worth the time taken.

Debriding

2010-11-17T09:52:00.001-08:00

I can't even remember what my post was about the other day. In fact, I have no idea why I even post anything other than the fact that I have so much in me right now that needs to come out, I feel as if I will implode if I don't.

Last week and on into this week has been one of the hardest weeks emotionally since Elli's passing. In order to survive, I feel like we pulled up our boot straps and marched on inspite of the hurt we were feeling over missing her. When, in Human Phsyiology, we started discussing blood, cardio, and pulmonary function, it became apparent that there is still quite a bit of hurt going on inside of me.

I remember when Dr. C pulled Elli's blood, I sighed when I saw the color because I knew it was not good. I knew she wasn't going to live and yet it was hard to have it slapped in my face. Jess and I, more so Jess I feel, needed a confirmed diagnosis of her anomolies- namely due to the fact that the ultrasounds were not very clear b/c of the low amniotic fluid. From a medical/scientific standpoint, that little girl should have passed long before she ever got to see her mother or brother and sister. The time kept ticking by and my heart kept pounding. I couldn't think or speak even, I just kept thinking, "Let's hurry this up, she needs to see her mommy!". So, when I saw the blood being pulled the urgency grew more intense.

Going back to this last week, I have tried to find it in my book again and I will but for now, I'll tell you what it said without a quote. Bascially, and this is something we all know- deoxygenated blood is very dark. When I read that, it felt like hot iron had been plunged deep into my heart. No, actually, it was probably more like someone had just ripped it out and put it in a blender. Graphic as it may seem, that is what it felt like. Here I am trying to study for a test and this is being thrown in my face, by an enemy no doubt.

There were a few questions that I still had from that day. The science part of me wanted to know and the dad in me wanted to never touch the subject again. In studying for this test, I didn't really have an option. Now, given the many things that were wrong with her body, it is still a little fuzzy what some of the things actually meant but let's suffice it to say- none of it was normal.

I guess the most piercing thing to me is this- our little girl shouldn't have lived five minutes. She should not have lived past the two hours to assemble blood work, gather the sonographer, set up the link with Children's, and she should have been in excrutiating pain (given that is relative to the awareness of pain in newborns, especially premature). She was eight weeks early. Her heart should not have been able to work long enough to circulate any blood around for oxygen. The blood that was drawn was poorly oxygenated. Should shouldn't have lived for six more hours. She had a nasal canula but still!!

I guess what my heart is drawn to is the fact that the little baby who wasn't supposed to live, who had so many things wrong with her it wasn't even likely she would live a second outside the womb, the one whose body was not compatible with life, did for 8 hours, do that very thing- she lived! She had malformed and missing organs and yet when it was said and done, that little one had more heart than I have been able to muster for the last two years.

I am confident that the One who sustained her here, will do the same for us. It feels more like debriding right now and maybe it always will but I know it is being done with a purpose and I am not alone.

Front yard camping....

2010-11-14T15:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am at an impasse. It seems like there is some unspoken rule about grieving, like after a certain period of time it must stop. I am not sure if I am alone in this or not. Either way, alone or not, I feel it hitting me now.

Growing up, I never was afraid to die but was very afraid of my mom dying and leaving me behind....if you know me at all, you know what I mean by that. So, except one short period in time, I have always felt like if I kept certain people at a distance- the one's for whom I care the most, then somehow they would be safe. It's almost like I bought into some reverse psychology of, "If I don't get too attached, they will be around longer". I think in part, I am grieving the last couple of years because I feel like I have done that with C and J. It is the complete opposite of what I have ever wanted to do with my kids.

Last night, C, J, and I camped in the front yard. I released a lot of guilt and really enjoyed the time with them. So much time has been devoted to keeping everything under control around here that I felt like last night was just for them. They had such a good time and were just kids. It was so nice.

So, all of this hitting at the same time as all of the old grief. I am not quite sure what to do with all of it but I am glad that it is coming out. Unfortunately, all of the other things I feel like I should care about in life suddenly seem so unimportant. I can hardly bring myself to pick up any book except, "The Sacred Romance" or the Bible. Through all of this pain, sorrow, disappointment, and even hope- I am suddenly finding my interests narrow and things that divide my time are annoying.

This is so discombobulated in nature but I felt the need to write and not really think.

Surprises.

2010-11-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

Some time ago I quit writing. I think in some way I thought that I was through the worst of grieving and maybe what even seemed like the worst of life. It has become increasingly clear that for me, at least in a spiritual sense, life is just beginning. As for the grief. Oh man.

There is a book that I have really been wanting to read. It is another John Eldredge book one that he co-authored with another person whose name escapes me at this time. The book is called, "The Sacred Romance". I went to buy it yesterday at Hastings. While I was there, I thought I'd get Jess a copy of "I Will Carry You".

I wanted to get it for her for Christmas but wanted to wait becaus I knew I would give it to her. I couldn't find it on my own and I asked a clerk at the store to help me find it. She looked it up in their database first and said they had one copy of it. So, she took me over to the section and I began to feel very overwhelmed. She thumbed around and said, "here it is". She went to pull it off the shelf and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. When I saw the front cover, Audrey's little head held in her mother's hands- I felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach. It was all I could do to keep from breaking down right there in the store. I basically snatched it from her hand and thanked her. I went to the register at warp speed and kept thinking, "just let me get out of here, please! Just let me get out of here!".

No such luck. I get to the register and the woman in front of me was having problems using her card b/c the clerk had made a mistake or stomething. The woman was very apologetic and asked that they cancel her transaction and ring me up. I declined and waited. Another clerk came and opened up another register to ring me up. She did and when it was finished, I am sure I looked like a rocket shooting out of the front door. I got out and pulled my sun glasses down just in time. I had to skip French class because I couldn't stop crying.

I needed to have some time alone. I needed to be able to ask 'why' again and feel something. I needed to be able to say what was on my mind at the most vulnerable time and have no reasoning, logic, doctrine, or any outside conventional ideas on what I was going through explain what I was feeling. Of course, after I got a little bit of it out and then came home- I was able to stuff it back down. So, I guess all this to say, I realize that it still hurts deeply. I realize it still matters a great deal to me. I realize that it will probably not go away.

For some reason, I have imposed upon myself the idea that I should be able to cope with it much better because I see others who have lost children and they aren't losing it in stores. I think it is sometimes expected that we "handle it well" or "deal with grief". I am not altogether sure what all that means to be honest short of being able to keep moving ahead. At some point though, I think for me realizing that however hard I try to do that and I will, a part of me died that day as well. A part of my heart was forever changed. It wasn't changed necessarily in a bad way, it was simply altered.

I have to finish up now because I have class. But, yesterday when I was driving I kept asking God what she looks like now. What do her eyes look like b/c they were never open. What does her mouth look like b/c I have forgotten. I don't think I could get quiet enough for a response, maybe I will at some point.

I am blessed indeed!

2010-03-11T07:59:00.000-08:00

Wow. I have a blog. I have forgotten about it. Well, not really. So many things in my life have changed and I feel like I could never put them into words, so I haven't really tried.

For much of my life, I have been hurt, angry, frustrated, isolated, and knew there was truth in what I had believed but recently I have begun to see with different eyes. Eyes that, for the most part, have been blinded by fear, insecurities, and a host of other things. Last night, Jess and I watched the movie "Precious". Parts of that movie made me feel some of the fear I have experienced- though it was in different forms. One of the most powerful things in the movie, for me, where the dreams that Precious would have in the midst of a horrible situation.

This is so poignant for me because I have been reading about God as our Lover. As someone who initiates not only love but a respect for things that are beautiful. As Precious endures so many hardships, she is taken up in a spirit of hope. It is amazing the assault that is waged at this girls' very being. She is told she is stupid, fat, will amount to nothing, and further.....any hopes she may have of changing her life is futile. Isn't that what the enemy likes to do? Destroy us in our lives and remove any traces of hope.

For so long, I have tried to conjure up this hope. I knew it existed but didn't really know how to access it. I am not talking about hopes that the bills will get paid, hopes that things will work out the way I want them. Rather, hope that I am loved more than I can imagine, hope that I am worth so much to the one who made me, hope that I, as fueld by the spirit of the One and Only holy God of the universe, will seize this life with the annointing of my Saviour and extinguish the assault that has been waged not only upon my soul but the souls of those I love and those that I have yet to meet. Souls that in one form or another have been beat down, like Precious, to believe that no one loves them, there is no hope, there is no better day coming- souls that want to believe in Redemption but have to compass with which to even believe that it exists.

Today, I am in awe of our maker.

Last night, Judah and I were sitting in the floor of the living room. Ash and Ad were lying on a blanket. They were excited every time Judah or I made contact with them. He always likes to solidify the numbers in our family. He talked about how he had a big sissy, he is a big brother, we have the twins and he never fails to remember his sister, Elli. He has such a keen sense of things around him, so often we overlook this. Many times after Elli passed, people would ask us, "He doesn't really understand does he?". Honestly, giving that hindsight is what it is, I think he understood more than some adults. He knew that she was ill, he knew we could fix her "Owies", he knew we couldnt' change it unless God wanted it changed, he knew to move on all the while remembering that it isn't over and we will see her again.

As he was telling me the story he invoked the use of his hands. He told me we had three babies, pointing two fingers at the twins and one finger up toward heaven. He said these words which broke my heart, at the same time made me love him so much more, and reminded me of the hope we have..."Daddy, you know, we only got to keep Elli for a little bit, didn't we? But we will see her again until then, we'll take care of these babies!". Remembering what we have come through and looking ahead. Our kids teach me so much. I thank God for the blessings they are. I am finding they know things so much more easily because they are innocent- and that innocent nature is what lies ahead for us. We only see in part now because Redemption is not complete, it is paid for but not completely fulfilled in the sense that it will be when we are with Him. I so look forward to that day and live in the hope He is giving me now through being made more like Him while I am on this earth.

No more wasted time.......

2009-09-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things for me is to open up....admitting a need is almost like death for me. Growing up, I always felt poked and prodded to find out "where I was at" but in the end, I felt like it mattered very little.

Women have always been a bigger influence on me, with the exception of a few good men. I thought losing my grandmother several years ago was one of the worst things that could happen. She was one of the few who knew the life I had lived and loved me and encouraged me. Because of certain things in my childhood, I grew up fearing the loss of a very important person. Times have changed and my circumstances have as well, but this nagging fear has yet to elude me.

Jess is probably the only one that knows this but every time we have had a child, I get nauseatingly sick with worry. Is it spiritual or Christ-like? Well, it is what it is and no one can walk around without concerns or worry 100% of the time and if they say they do, well, I will let them work that out on there own. For me, it is yet to happen. One thing life has taught me is that just because we trust Christ, we are not exempt from the trials and tribulations in this life. Thankfully, we are held during these times and those times will not go undredeemed. However, they come and we must face them. No one expected us to go through everything that we went through with Elli but we did. Everyone would love to hope that nothing bad would ever happen to us again, but let's face it, we live in the real world. I appreciate the, "Everything is going to be just fine, God wouldn't make you go through anything like that again" comments but I have yet to find out where that is really scripturally accurate. The Bible says we are at war and the enemy doesn't care what we have been through- in fact, he knows our weaknesses and wants to make the most of them. Thankfully, we have a Saviour that loves us and carries us through and He will have the last word.

This is probably the most transparent I have ever been in my life with everyone, or anyone that would read this, at the same time. So yeah, I get extremely worried when Jess is about to deliver. With Corban, I was down on the floor crying asking God not to take her- her labor was gruesome, to say the least. With Judah, I invited my parents back into our lives. In the words of Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, "Big mistake, HUGE!". I should have learned long ago my intentions will do little for someone else's action or my own indescretion. With Elli, well, I was so freaked out anyway, God definitely took control and poured out His spirit lavishly. So, here we are now, twins.

I know I am starting a bunch of topics and leaving them open, hopefully, I will tie it up in a sec. School for me last year was a total flop. This year I have felt the pressure of coming back and doing what I did the first year here. I have spent a lot of time studying this semester but my emotion and anxieties are beginning to take their toll. After losing Elli, we kind of woke up and realized how short this life is and how precious every moment is with everyone. Every conversation, every laugh, every tear, every fear. Through all of these things we learn more about ourselves, about our loved ones and we learn more about who God is.

My sole purpose in writing this is not to ask for comments. I don't need anyone to cheer me on. I need people who love us to pray for us. I know a lot of people are already and we thank you. I can't put life on hold to sit and enjoy every second.....I have already thought about doing that, prospect of staying in school and doing well, yeah, they don't look fair if I do that. If you read this and are going through similar circumstances, great or small in your eyes, and you want to share, feel free to email me. Alternatively, please remember us in prayer. This concern I have seems to be hitting everyone in our family and I think it is wearing us all down individually. We know who holds today and tomorrow and we know it will be okay- eternally. Everything will work out the way it should and nothing will be lost or unredeemed but please pray for the health of my entire growing family. Please pray that I can focus in my studies and that my time spent studying is productive.

Thanks everyone.

Redeemed

2009-09-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

When Jess and I were sitting in the room where they did the first ultrasound of this pregnancy, one of the first things that came to mind was the word "Redemption". Such a great word isn't it? Who doesn't want to be redeemed. Selah's new cd, "You Deliver Me", finally came out. One of the reasons it was delayed in part was due to the song Redeemed. I am so grateful it was. I really needed this song and the meaning behind it. Much more than that, the Lord knew, for me, it was one of the only things I would listen to right now.

Just as everyone else has thought that Asher and Adlai are a "replacement" for Elli, I have thought the same thing. Until now. But really, is there any Biblical basis for this? Does God really remove one human soul, replace it with two "other" human souls as a replacement and further, as a form of Redemption? I sure hope not. I don't think there is any validation of that. We might choose to make it into that but I don't believe it is so.

God is all about taking what is old, shattered, battered, beaten beyond repair.....into something new, something with more worth, renewed worth that won't fade, than it had before. Something that will bear His likeness and will give that same life with every breath. We are still in our day to day lives but He is doing something in us that we don't see, something that hasn't been fulfilled, something that hasn't been fully restored, but that He and only He can redeem. God is so good.

We have all been there, to some degree or another. We all have worn hearts, aching, in need of completeness. We can't see what tomorrow holds. We can't see the other heartaches that ly just around the corner but we know that there is redemption for those pieces broken. I hope this song means as much to you as it does to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TC01HuKZRI&feature=PlayList&p=8388E2EAE842BB28&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=41

Looking ahead.....

2009-09-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been hard to say the least. Jess is very tired, two years of pregnancy has a way of wearing one down, neither of which have been "normal"..... Going back to school has been difficult psychologically. "Can I do it?", "Can I pull out of the state of defeat I seem to stay in?" are always on my mind. Then, the third week of school. Remembering what we experienced last year and not being able to hold that little life again for a time to come. We know all of the spiritual sayings, "You've got two blessings on the way", "You'll see her again one day", "God took one away so He could give you two"....... I won't say much about those comments b/c I know that the best of intentions comes with each comment. The only comment that seems to provide any comfort is, "She is with Jesus, she plays at his feet and rests in His lap". That is about the only comfort we have aside from the fact that we will see her again one day.

So, last few days, depression and oppression. I am sick of it. I am sick of being defeated, downtrodden, and most of all I am sick of not living in the hope that lives with-frikkin'-in-me. I am sick of not waking up in the middle of the night to talk with the One in whom my hopes ly. I am sick of the enemy winning all of the little battles. Music ministers to me greatly. Nothing can take me to the feet of Jesus like music. Selah's new CD came out last week. I have yet to get it but will soon, like as soon as we get a chance to go to a town big enough that actually has it. The song "Unredeemed" and "You deliver Me"--amazing songs. I am once again reminded that I may be here in a world that wants us to feel alone, defeated, and unredeeemed......but that is not the case. I am not alone, we are not alone, we are not defeated, and we are so redeemed! I would imagine the anticipation Jesus feels when He thinks about coming to get His own. I can't wait for that day and I can't wait to sit at his feet and praise Him for all He has done, does, and continues to do.

He delivers us, redeems us, and loves us.....against all odds, in light of all the sin, in light of the many times we reject Him- He comes through time and time again!

New days ahead.....

2009-08-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

It has been forever since I have written a post on here. This summer and last year has flown by so fast. So much has happened that has broken our hearts and in the deeper sense, we know more and more that our home is not here.

Spiritually, we have been utter wrecks. Somedays we feel like caring about things and others, we are just here. We got a major surprise in May when we had our first ultrasound and it was discovered that we were having twins. Such a blessing, such a story of redemption. We have heard all of the congrats and are very appreciative, "God called your baby home and gave you two in her place". Sometimes, people say things that are so true but our hearts are so heavy and in such disarray that we can't see through the pain. But, two babies, two baby girls....how can those little lives be anything but a blessing. I don't think they were given in place of Elli, rather, just an additional blessing. Nothing can take the place of our little girl!!

We were in the Christian bookstore over the weekend and I stumbled across this little grave ornament that said, "You are loved!". I about couldn't keep it, emotions, in check. It's like sometimes I forget is okay to still miss her and love her. Moving on is such a necessary but hard thing to do. So, this is getting way to deep and emotional but such is life........

It has seemed the assumption that Judah doesn't get what was missing when Elli passed. You know, being a parent of small children, we now understand why Jesus was so set on children not being kept away from Him. Sometimes in our ignorance, we assume that children just "don't" get it when, in fact, sometimes they are the only one's who do get it. Judah. Such a wild and crazy kid but such a lover. We went to a birthday party at a waterpark recently. Let me tell you, that little boy is such a shepherd when it comes to little girls. Everyone thought that he was "sweet" on them. This one family, they had a little girl who was probably 18 months old. Judah followed her around everywhere. She started to walk out of the park, he stood infront of her. She went to fall down, he was there to help her up. She looked at him, he got down on his knees and smiled at her. Sometimes, I can't help but think the Lord does the same thing with us. Just when everyone thinks he doesn't get it, Judah is right there showing that he knows what he is missing out on and he wants it back so badly. Just when we think He doesn't get it, He shows us through something so simple that He does get it and He hasn't left our side.

Our family friend and constant support, Aunt Sarah helped Corban make a gift for all of us for the baby shower. Corban drew picutres of her family. She drew her PawPaw, Grammy, Me, Jess(with a round belly, lol), Corban, Judah, Elli, the twins(Asher and Adlai) and then she went on to draw Grandmother Connie and Papa Charlie. We sit down and read, not often enough, but we do. Without failing, we always read a book that is covered in good morals and virtue. It never fails, we look to see who it was from and it was from Grandma Connie and PaPa Charlie. It is amazing how quickly children learn the value of relationships. Corban drew what and who was important to her. Such a sweet girl. I am including a pic from one of the t-shirts.

I guess in the end, I have learned a lot from my kids. To keep loving and keep remembering what was and is to come.......it isn't over yet. We still have work to do and throwing in the towel just yet isn't an option for them and it isn't an option for us either.

Lots of love from the Hutchersons!

Jessica, Jeremiah, Corban, Judah, Elli, Asher, and Adlai

(never thought I'd write that many names out for our family)

Two heads are better than one......

2009-06-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

First of all, we have to apologize for not updating the blog sooner to let everyone know that Jess is pregnant. Jess was a little freaked out about letting everyone know until the ultrasound. While I can keep others' secrets, I cannot keep my own- AT ALL! I have been excited from day one. Jess has been also but has been very sick and has also been battling a lot of mixed emotions which is completely normal and understandable.

So, Jess is pregnant. She has been sick. She has puked almost every day to ever other day. It has eased up a little but but now she is extremely exhausted. On Monday of this week, we went in for the first ultrasound. They wanted to do one early to see if they could see the kidneys, bladder, and all that stuff. When the sonographer put the little deal on her belly, this was the first image we saw. Yes, that would be two heads you see there. I saw it but was trying to figure out exactly what in the you know what we were seeing. I knew but was wanting someone to confirm that I wasn't seeing two of what I thought I was seeing. Mind you, the lady had not moved the deal at all! I looked at Jess, she looked FREAKED OUT! She asked the sonographer, "Is that what I think it is?" The sonographer replied, "Yes it is, there are two babies!" Since there is no history of twins, on Jess' side especially, there was no reason to suspect twins. Everyone was completely shocked.

It was so cool because we were in the same room we were in when Elli's diagnosis was confirmed. That was the room in which we had our first major breakdown. This time, our doom was turned to joy, well maybe a little more SHOCK than joy at the moment. However, one thing that came to mind was, He sure showed us. What an amazing, loving, compassionate, considerate, restoring, forgiving, merciful, and absolutely wonderful God we serve. We didn't ask for Elli. We didn't ask for the lot that was handed. We loved her like we love Corban and Judah. We held her and with the help and love of everyone we know, consecrated her to the One who imagined her, formed her, carried her until we could hold her, and who so lovingly without physical pain took her to His side! This time last year we were in one of the darkest treks of our life and this year we are tasting the redemption that we were to weak to ask for, too scared to think about, but so desperately needed. We truly don't know what to ask for but He does know what we need. We in our efforts to prevent this, used two forms of birth control. To quote Jess, "He sure showed us, we doubled the control and He doubled the number of babies we are having."

Incase anyone is wondering. We were on the same birth control but Jess hadn't been on it very long when we got pregnant with Elli. So, we thought it was that. She was having trouble with the old one before Elli, so after her, she just went back on the same thing. It worked for a few months......... The other day, the sonographer told us that Yaz is one of the bc's that people always get pregnant while taking. My response, "Why in the hell don't they tell people this, that is why she takes the stuff!".

Well, that is about it for now. Twins. Never thought we would have a baby pass and I sure as heck thought there was less of a chance of us having TWO babies at the same time.

Sorry it has taken so long for everyone to find out but it has been weird the last couple of months and busy!

OH......lol.....we never knew what they tell you when you are having more than one while doing an ultrasound.......Baby A and Baby B. "A" is on the bottom and "B" is on the top.

I will post some more pics, I hate the format of these blogs and I can't figure it out to save my life!

A Father's love.......

2009-05-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

9When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son. 11But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." 12He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." Genesis 22

If there is one thing this last year has taught me it is this, faith is imparted. Among many other little things, that I may know some about but have not mastered, lol, trusting the Father with our children is a very intense, sometimes heartwrenching but it always has a rewarding outcome. We usually don't always equate the outcome as being rewarding when the chips don't fall the way we would particularly like them to fall.

It is amazing how when God gives you faith to believe something, He may not give you all of the specifics but in you "inner man" He gives you a pretty good idea of how it is going to go down. I picked up on this earlier in Genesis 22, as I am sure everyone else already has:

4On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar. 5Then Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the donkey; I and the boy will go over there and worship and come again to you."

I am sure some would say that Abraham was talking about just himself returning again but really? I mean what parent would speak so calmly about making a trek to slay their own child, only child (with Sarah) they had prayed so long to conceive? Unless, he had something so much more overwhelming going on inside of him. Something that was beyond the realm of the physical that captavated his heart and took his attention from getting his own son the heck out of there.

If we look at the Bible with only our physical eyes, what a bunch of crazy stuff. What Abraham entered was an intitiation. An initiation where God spoke a plan, Abraham listened and obeyed, and God came through. The fact that it was something sooooo profound and so heartwrenching only seemed that way for those of us that view it with the physical eyes. When viewing it with our hearts, hearts that have been redeemed, we see a glorious picture of a Father loving His son and coming through the way fathers should- teaching trust and obedience with a reward on the other end.

Lately, Jess and I have been distraught to say the least. We have so taken our eyes off of what is most important. We have set our focus short. We have set our focus on what is next to come here on earth instead of allowing the King of Kings to parent us the way He did Abraham. I can tell you from experience......I have felt more lonely in the last six months than I did the day Elli died and the few months thereafter. There is a peace that He gives that goes beyond any understanding here on earth.

People could look at our lives and pick it apart in 100 different ways, I am sure we could do the same. In the end, all that really matters is what is going on in our hearts because that is what comes out of the flesh.

Still missing you......

2009-04-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

So, most days I try to stay positive and try to just be at peace. Jess and the kids left to go to Mountain Home for a baby shower today. I spent the morning doing some laundry and then went to study for a bit. When I got home, I don't know what happened. I got to missing our little girl. I went to look for the video slide show and coudn't hardly look for it I was crying so hard.

I found her little foot prints that we did. Now I can't stop crying. This sucks so bad. I know she is fine but I just can't get over how badly it hurts sometimes. I don't think I am normal.

I know she is in heaven. I am not worried for one second about her well being but our's....... I remember standing there with her. I was so paralyzed, I couldn't even pick her up b/c I was scared she would stop breathing. I couldn't even talk to her and I don't know why. All I could do was touch her. I didn't get to hold her up and just love on her until after she was gone. I have felt the loss of love before but never anything like this before.

This just sucks, no other way to put it. I am not happy with the circumstances. I am not happy she is gone. I am not happy that Judah has to tell people that his little sister is in the sky with Jesus. I am sick of seeing the pictures where Corban's heart is breaking. I am sick of the fact that Jess and I can't even be happy about the day we had b/c we miss her so badly.

I am so freaked out in school right now. I still haven't been able to pull it together. I have lost all respect for myself and fell like I have just screwed up everything we all have worked hard to get to at this point. I am hoping things will turn around by the fall. So, enough of the pitty party, huh? I know this is just part of it and I don't wish it on anyone, though I know we are so not alone. But this is one cup that I wish had've passed us up.

To actually hear her you may have to pause the music player....

Good grief.

2009-04-05T23:02:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was supposed to go to a conference for a Biological Honor Society of which I am apart. Jess has been sick lately and some of the stuff around the house has gotten a little out of the normal. Jess is such a neat freak and I know it has really been bothering her so I decided to stay home and help out. It is always good for me to do that and to realize just how much she does to keep our home as nice as it always is. No matter what I do, it never looks the same as when she does it.

So, this weekend was strange. I know when God is about to show me something usually b/c I get very restless and I will do anything other than just sit still like he wants me to. Today is Sunday and tomorrow I have a test in Organic that I have been studying for but am still very nervous about taking, it is Organic and who isn't nervous about those exams. Anyway, my study nature usually goes like this....study, break, study, eat, study, find something else to do, study, even yard work sounds good at this point.

So, what did I do? I fired up the lawn mower. Darn thing. Last summer when I wanted it to work it would take forever when it was bloody 120 degrees outside. This time of year, a beautiful 60 degrees with a cool breeze blowing- the stupid thing started right up. Anyway, I mow a little in the front with our push mower and then our sweet neighbor, Mrs. Donna, always lets me use her riding lawn mower to mow the rest. It never fails, when I ride over on her mower the kids magically appear! Judah was first this time. We made a couple of laps around the yard and I got to thinking about Elli. Grief is such a funny thing. It, for me, usually pops up in the strangest ways and at the weirdest times. So, I was thinking about the tulips we have that bloomed and all of the pretty weeds Corban loves(because they have little purple flowers on them) and I really got to missing Elli. I was missing the fact that this was the first Spring since her birth and she was not here to celebrate it with us- life. So, I couldn't help but start to cry and Judah looked up at me with the sweetest little smile. I just hugged him and and kept going. After we made a few laps and it was time to move on to the other side of the lawn, Corban came out and took her turn.

As the day progressed, I kept getting madder and madder thinking about the fact that Elli was missing out on so much. I think I was most angry with the fact that I missed her and I knew everyone else did too. A few nights ago, we went to see Natalie Grant in concert. She sand the song, "Held", which is one of the songs we played at Elli's funeral. She also sang another song, "In Better Hands Now". That song pretty much broke Jess and I down. Even now thinking about it........I never knew my heart could ache quite like this. Wanting to hold someone so badly and to not be able to, it just hurts. I guess all of this had been building for a few days and I just didn't notice. Finally at some point during my lawn work, I remembered the song written by Angie and Todd Smith (co-authored with another lady whose name fails me at this moment) that we also played at Elli's funeral. It talks about the expectations we have of doing all these things with our child and how hurtful it is not being able to do them. Then, it goes on to talk about all of the things the child gets to do with Jesus. It goes on to talk abou tall the things that they get to see, do and most importantly- who they are with! So, I finally just sat down and took my place. I realized that she, Elli, has it so much better than Corban and Judah even.

I am about to go see someone this week who, for all I know, doesn't know Jesus at all. A person who is fighting for life and is losing the battle very quickly. As bad as my heart aches to hold my daughter, I step back and see that Jesus is aching to hold this person in His arms. I realize what I am powerless to do. I realize that there will likely be no opportunity unless He provides it. It is someone I know only in passing, so to speak. Though I do not know them very well, my heart is heavily burdened for this person and the relationship that Jesus wants to have with them.

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog. I think I am the only one, lol. If not, I hope that anyone who does, will pray for this person with me. I don't want to mention a name. For this person's sake, I guess we could call them Elli. This person is like our Elli. Jesus longs to hold this person and I can, in a sense, feel the ache. I pray that by the power of the Holy Spirit, this Elli comes to Jesus before the opportunity passes. I think that this is something I would have picked up on sooner, if I were more sensitive to the Spirit myself. Regardless, it is perfect and will be perfect with His touch. I already feel a sense of peace coming down. Though I still feel burdened, I know that things will happen as they should.

In closing, I am always measuring myself as a husband, father, student, son, and whatever else I can drum up. I always come up short. But, I am reminded at times that He never comes up short. When we were at the concert the other night, I looked over and Corban was waiving her hands, dancing and just praising the Lord- something I am too dignified to do. While I, in my narrow minded sophistication, lack the courage to step out of my comfort zone, I am reminded that God can do so much when our focus isn't on us and even when we can't let it all go, He makes a way through and around us to bring others to Himself. I pray that He was blessed by the little six year old dancing and praising His name......and I hope to be more like her soon!

Judah's first t-ball practice......

2009-04-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

Judah started t-ball this week and it was so much fun to watch our son do something I did over 25 years ago. It is still mind boggling to actually be able to say 25 years ago, I did this or that. Anyway, back to Judah. You should see him throw the ball. That kid has an arm I tell you. Running bases....well, that is going to take some work and FOCUS. His first trip to first base led him right threw the pitchers mound and almost to third before he finally heard everyone screaming his name, lol. At the "t", he hit the ball both time on the second try, whew, no one even knew we hadn't practiced that yet, lol. So, there is more as only Judah could provide. So, Judah and I have this male, beating our chest, we are strong men complex when we are together. Never knew having a son could be so much fun. Well, it can backfire at times too. His second turn to bat, he walked up to pick a bat. The lady told him pick any bat you want. There were probably ten to twelve bats from which to choose. There were red, blue, black and designer bats. And then......there were girly bats. Yep, flaming pink bats! Judah took one look at the bats, took an even closer look and made his prized selection. A PINK PRINCESS BAT!!!!!!!!!! I almost crawled under the bleachers. Then we laughed our butts off. Too funny. That boy that wants to fight me, punches me in the nose sometimes, puts his feet in my face, and scratches his rear when he pees- yep, "that boy" picked a pink bat! These truly are the best days of life!

Shortened version

2009-03-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the last blog went on forever and I still didn't finish. Here is the shortened version.

I noticed last Saturday that our dog Pink was in heat. This wasn't supposed to happen until April 1st and we were going to drive Pink out over spring break. Since she came in early, we decided that Judah and I would go ahead and take her. So, we set out at about 6 pm last Saturday and planned to return late Sunday evening. We got just passed Birmingham, Alabama and a drunk and allegedly high lady drove us off the road. The lady was taken to the hospital by paramedics. Judah, Pink and I hitched a ride with a couple of soldiers who were on leave. They drove us to where we were going. Those guys were amazing and I am grateful to have people like them defending our country. Anyway, they got us to North, South Carolina, I know it is weird but that is where they live. Our friends, David and Shannon, have the male that we are breeding Pink to. They were awesome! They took great care of us and sat in a waiting room with us for three hours waiting to be seen. When they finally got us back to see a doc, they informed us that we had to go to another clinic b/c their x-ray machine had just broken on the patient before us. So, David and Shannon took us to another clinic. They got us in quickly, checked us out, shot x-rays, and gave us scripts and a note stating I should not drive home. Earlier that morning Shannon had already booked our flight home for Monday.

So, Monday we got up and Shannon drove Judah and me to Charlotte, NC, to get on our plane. I had started hurting immediately after the wreck and was hurting but still okay at this point. We got through checking in, security-dummy me put my x-rays in the x-ray machine!!!- and got to our gate. We flew to Memphis. We had to wait about an hour and a half for the flight to LR. About an hour after waiting I started hurting more. I didn't even think to check for a gate change. When I realized that it had changed we had five minutes til departure. I picked Judah up and ran to our gate. After this, I was hurting so badly I couldn't even move my eyes without excrutiating pain. They booked us on another flight leaving at 7pm and it was 3 pm by this time. At 4:30pm I couldn't move, at all. That was the worste pain I have ever experienced. Judah was awesome. He brought me a drink and when I couldn't take it anymore, he went and told a girl that his daddy needed a hospital.

I called my grandmother and asked her if she and my grandpa could take me to the hospital b/c I didn't think I could make the flight home. They came and got me and my cousin said she would come and get Judah for me. Luckily, my aunt and uncle came and got Judah and took him to my cousin's, April, house. Jessica and Corban left LR and came to Southhaven, MS. to see me. We got there, at the hospital at 5 pm, and left at 11:23pm. The doctor got mad b/c I asked him to re-shoot the x-rays getting my whole spine. He came back in the room, was rude, and said they still looked okay. They gave me a shot which was useless and gave me a script for a pain med and an anti-inflammatory that I specifically asked them not to write for me.

Jess couldn't wait to see Judah so we stayed with my cousin that night. We left at about 9 am the next morning. We went by the airport to get our luggage and came home. My face, my left arm and parts of my back are going numb- we assume it is just the pinched nerve but that is about it. We are praying that our dog gets pregnant!!!!! We are thankful for family and friends that are family to us. We are so appreciative for the people that helped us out that night, the guys that drove us- Bobby V. and Chris-, Shannon and David. We could not be more blessed.

I was taking the flexeril as frequently as the pain med, neither of which did anything but take the edge off. Um, I looked it up online and I was way overdosing on the muscle relaxer. It did allow me to get some sleep. Jess had to listen to me FREAK out anytime a white car would pass us on the interstate. I always thought that Post Traumatic Stress was a bunch of junk, unless you had been to war. OMG, that stuff is real. I can't tell you how many times I had to push the imaginery brake....poor Jess. So, its hurting again, so I better go. Thank you Jesus, thank you Jess, and thank you David and Shannon!

Road trip, bad/good drunk people, breeding doggies....

2009-03-14T07:17:00.000-07:00

So, last Saturday I was brushing my dog and noticed that she had come in. No big deal, we were planning on breeding her this time around. We were planning on her coming in around the first of April though. I called our friend in South Carolina and the way our schedules are going I really needed to get her out there that weekend. Since we didn't know the exact date she had started we didn't really need to miss this cycle, so Judah and I packed up at about 6 pm and hit the road.

It was a rather uneventful trip for the first six hours. Judah was drinking my Dr. Pepper and eating tic tacs. He was re-telling stories through his three year old eyes and needless to say, I was entertained. About 10 pm, he finally went to sleep. We made it through Tupelo and then Birmingham. Maybe about an hour the other side of Birmingham, near a Town called Anniston, a white car drove up on our tail end. She was so close there was no pumping the brakes to get rid of her. She passed us and drove ahead. I didn't know what he deal was and flashed my brights at her. We kept driving for a minute or two and then she slows down and stops in the middle of I-20. Finally, it occurred to me that she was probably drinking. I should have just pulled off the road but at almost 3 am, losing and hour going east, and losing an hour with the time change, I pulled over to the right and passed her. I got about 1/2 a mile down the road and then she starts driving again. We drove for several minutes and then she comes up on us again. She got right on our bumper and then swurved to the left like she was going to pass and then lost control and pushed us off the road. We did a couple of 360's and she hit us a couple times in between. We finally hit the bottom of the ditch and our front tires were in the half-pike concrete ditch and she hit us a final time and we(Judah and I were facing the interstate again). He car was upside down with her driver's side bumper up next to my rear driver's side bumper.

When it all stopped, I looked back to see where her car was. I saw a couple of flames shoot up and said a real quick prayer. I looked over at Judah, who had been asleep and he was awake with a "what the hell" look on his little face. I unbuckled myself and then him. Pink reached up front sniffed Judah. When I got him unbuckled, I grabbed him and set him up on the hill away from everything. I went back to the car to get his blanket before her car blew and she started asking for help. You can imagine what came out of my mouth and let me say it wasn't very pretty. I told her when my son was cared for I would help her sorry ass out. I got Judah's blanket and got him wrapped up. I went back to look for my cell so that I could call the police. About this time she got out of her car and told me she thought she was hurt and bleeding. She asked me to look at her face and I did, it had a small bruise next to her left eye. Big baby. She said her shoulder was hurting and I told her it should be. She kept asking me, "what happened". I told her she had some serious road rage issues and her dumb ass ran us off the road. She then proceeds to ask if she can use my phone to call her mom. I told her after I FIND my phone I am calling the cops and then we will call her mommy. She asked me why I was being so nice to her, I assume she expected I should be her dumb self in the ground, I told her she wasn't my primary concern at the moment.

So, anyway, moving on in the story, this one guy stops to help us. He let me borrow his phone to call the police, who btw suck in Alabama. She kept wanting to call her mommy. The guy that helped us, we will call him drunk guy #2. His friend, drunk guy #1 called drunk guy #2 to tell him to stop and help us b/c he was less drunk that drunk guy #1. CRAZY! Anyway, drunk guy number #2 was very nice, he put Judah in his truck and turned the heat up and stood there by him. He asked the crazy lady, the woman that hit us, how much she had been drinking and if she needed anything out of her car. She said she had some hash in her car and needed her cell phone. **Oh yeah, earlier she had asked me to climb in her upside down car to get her cell for her........"yeah, right away sweetheart!"** So, the paramedics got there and strapped her sorry but to the stretcher. She was asking for pain meds but they said all they had with them was morphine and since they could smell the alcohol on her they couldn't give her any and she would have to suck it up. They looked at me and asked me if I was okay. I told them my back had started to hurt and they said "okay" and got in the ambulance and drove off. Not sure, maybe I should have told them I couldn't breathe....not real sure what you are supposed to tell them to ge them to care for you....obviously, "my back is hurting" doesn't work.

The police came blah, blah, blah. A couple of guys who were on leave from Iraq were there and just happened to be going to Myrtle Beach, the other side of where we were going. The piled us in their vehicle and took us with them. AWESOME guys!! It is amazing what stories you hear and how different things really are where they are serving and what is on the news! hah!

So, really weird things from that nite. The drunk ladies mom showed up and asked me if we were going to put her daughter in jail. I was very polite and asked her what she thought her daughter was entitled to running us off the road. This ladies son, the drunk driver's brother, said she had run a red mustang off the road. I told her I wanted her daughter in some kind of rehab and jail could come after that but that she obviously needed help and you-her mother- obviously didn't care enough to give her some tough love. I told her that if there had've been a scratch on my son, she wouldn't have needed the paramedics, she would have needed the coroner.

So, the guys that were helping us out that night were all smoking and cussing. Judah told them that smoking was bad for them. They asked him why and he told them that smoking causes cancer and they would have to go to the hospital and would likely die. lol. He also told them they were using bad words like daddy did earlier, lol.

That is all I feel like writing about right now. We are very thankful we weren't hurt worse than we are and that we had awesome people helping us and our friends in South Carolina, Shannon and David are AWESOME and took excellent care of us and found us a cheap flight for our ride home. Will write more later.

The chair.......

2009-02-20T19:33:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a week. Jess has recently started working at a local daycare in the afternoons. She loves working with kids, is very organized, and loves to help people in general. She is awesome for the job. I think, once they figure out what an asset she truly is, they will want her to work more. I think that would be great for her but I really want her to go to school and finish her degree. I can understand her hesitancy but I really want her to be able to finish to have that accomplishment. She is such an awesome mom and wife and daughter and grand-daughter and friend. If and when I make it through school it will be less of a tribute and more of a tribute to what men can accomplish with wonderful, supportive and longsuffering wives. I love my wife she is a true treasure.

Coban is awesome. That girl has not had her name on the board ONCE, all YEAR. I was in her class one day, I don't know if this is the norm but kids-during the time they clean up, would come up to her and ask her where stuff was supposed to go. She definitely gets that from her mommy. She is such a sensitive and caring person. She thinks about Elli all the time. She says she thinks about her when she wakes up, throughout the day, and at night too. We are scared to have more kids, kind of, not really scared just hesitant I guess. For her sake, I hope we can have atleast one more. It really doesn't matter how she comes to us but...... Anyway, another thing she does that is the most precious thing. One night, we had gotten home late and Judah was asleep and I brought him in and put him on the couch. A few minutes later, Corban came in with a warm washrag and started to clean his face up- he always gets dirty when he eats! She wiped his face off, took his shoes off, took his pants off and went to take his coat off. It was really hard because he was basically dead weight and she finally asked for help. She will also go and put a blanket on him before she goes to bed, which both of them are so hot natured they won't keep a blanket on themselves. Anyway, she is awesome. She is loving, loayal, high-strung, faithful and has amazing character. She does what is right when no one is looking. One last tidbit about her. Because she hasn't had her name on the board, she was nominated last semester for Character award. Well, this term, when it came around again her teacher had to select someone different from her class (I guess it is only once child from each classroom). Anyway, the boy that was supposed to get it wasn't there and Corban was next in line. She came home with her picture, the one with all the other kids too, and was upset when Jess asked her about it b/c she knew she wasn't the one that was supposed to be there. Okay, enough bragging. I just love her and am soooo proud of the girl she is and it is all by the grace of God.

Judah, well, I will have to post a whole blog about him. Let's just suffice it to say, he is still wild and a sweetie. He is all the time singing advertisements from commercials on TV. He is absolutely hilarious. He also talks in this really high-pitch voice when he gets excited. Luckily, I can make the same pitch and we have fun acting like ding-dongs together. I never thought I would be a good dad to a son, so I always wanted girls. Well, ready or not, he is here and he is an absolute blast!! My little buddy! I can't imagine life without him.

Several people don't understand how we can say we are okay or blessed after losing Elli. It isn't that we aren't sad or that we don't have our bad days. We do. We got her CD collage today. I watched it and cried for about an hour. I cried hard. It was so vivid and the music, I am very senstitive to music, was amazing and took me right back to that day. We have some very sad days. Some days that we are sad and we can't even put it into words. BUT, we did get to hold her. Many families have lost babies and under different circumstances(they never are the same). We are chosing to walk on and hold on very tightly to the love that our friends share and the love that is only found in Jesus. He is so amazing. It isn't about how we perceive his love that makes it grand, it is the fact that He does love us so much.....He very intricately places things into our lives when He knows we need them the most. This brings me to my last point. The last month of Elli's pregnancy, Jess had to sleep in a recliner we bought especially for her that has now been handed over to me (booooo.....ya!), I know, I'm a man. Anyway, when we checked into our hotel after leaving the hospital, the day before our second daughter's funeral, and thirty minutes after we held her lifeless body and watched our, then, five year old daughter weap.......we walked into our room to find a recliner the same style and even the same color as ours!!! I have never even stayed in a hotel that had a typical recliner!!! Infact, that is probably not that amazing since I haven't stayed in any big, fancy hotel but it was amazing because I knew who placed it there......Thank you Jesus.

I can't figure out how to move the pictures where I want them. I tried to copy it but it didn't work...that is why it is at the top.

Some days are good and some are not so good.....

2009-02-13T08:17:00.000-08:00

I hardly know what to write but I feel like I should write something, as a means of therapy if nothing else. Most days, things get so busy and hectic that I can go for a an hour or so without thinking about things but usually it catches up to me in some way or another. I never realized what things were deep inside and just how vivid fears were until the unthinkable actually happened. And yet, still I can think of things that would make things even worse. I am not one to dwell on stuff like that though.

One thing I have learned through all of this is that I still have to lay my entire family on the altar daily and trust in the One who is allowing me the chance to share this life with them. I have finally come to the realization that this life isn't just about me and what I want- not that I live in that realization all of the time. There is so much more to this life than what we experience in the here and now. I know we don't see with the clarity that will one day be shared with us, until then, I will keep plugging along at the relationship.

I have also learned how amazing the love of God is. It isn't based on how I feel or what I think it should be- it just is. I am comorted in the fact that I cannot quantify the magnitude and the depth of His love. I simply come.

One thing that has been really hard lately is to hear and see people praising God when things are going well. I have tried to think of the reasons why I feel that way. Probably it is closely connected to jealousy. I want something they have and can't have it. At the same time, I am having to praise God when things haven't gone as I had planned or wanted. Then I am reminded, it isn't even me that has the power to praise Him during difficult times. It is the love that He gives and the praise that He puts in my heart. Who am I to say from what and where their praise is coming.

I guess in the end, it just hurts badly to miss someone. Even more so, it really hurts to watch Jess and Corban hurt. Both of them are very loving and giving and to watch them hurt almost makes it double the weight. In time, they will have to surrender the flesh to the Spirit and walk daily in the realization that this life is but a brief pass. I wish I was there too. We are supposed to be getting some pictures soon and those little things make it seem like there are still some things to look forward to with Elli. We really need to have more family pictures taken but it is going to be really hard to without little Elli there.

Saline, crying and new beginnings......

2009-01-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

This is Corban's artwork from a month or so ago:)

I hardly know where to begin. One of the strangest things that has come upon Jess and me, is the desire to do something to help others. In a society that is increasingly bent on pleasing the individual, we are wondering just how much the individual is truly being valued in light of an overwhelming onslaught of hidden agendas. Today, we heard on the radio that it is the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Also, an executive order was signed to undo what President George W. Bush did in halting the funding of abortions to foreign nations.

As you can imagine, this hit home for Jessica and me. Our economy is shot and we have alot on our plate as a nation and "we" are worrying about funding abortions to other nations. To me, and I do get excited, it is like not only saying okay but encouraging genocide through infantile homicide(infanticide). Now, whatever you take is on abortion, please don't stop reading this yet.

What is more disturbing than anything about abortion to us.......is the women that have them. Most often they are young, scared, and hardly have anyone to talk to. They feel like their is no way out of a situation they find themselves in. We have all found ourselves in a situation, whether the circumstances be the same or not, that we need rescuing from-one that without a help we will likely perish. This may be spiritual or physical.

As I read the link attached, I read about a woman who had saline solution placed in her womb to "rid" her of her situation. Let me tell you how I see this. A woman goes in, scared, feeling like a failure, LONELY. She is told that what she is doing is right and best for her. She is given the saline solution. Later that day, the doctor leaves, more than likely a man. He has a nurse on staff. This poor girl goes and wakes the nurse to ask her question and she is basically "shhhh'd" to go back and go through delivery herself, alone. What she expects is tissue, what she finds she has done is delivered a baby. Now, if they couldn't be there for her during the abortion, who the heck is going to be there with her afterwards? Emotionally? Physically?

What I find so appauling is not necessarily the abortion themselves. You know my value for life. But what about the life left behind? Who cares for these ladies? Who do they talk to when they come to the realization that it was, in fact, truly a child-- a child that would want to be tucked in to bed and be read bedtime stories, a child that would fall and scrape his/her knees and need a simple kiss to fix it.

I have done more research into this person in particular. She is AMAZING. One of her saying is, "If abortion is about womens right, then what were mine?". Pretty impressive, huh? What is also amazing is the fact that when she finally meets her birth mother, she forgives her and thanks her. She is appreciative for her dissability. What does she get from her mother.......very little. Why? Because she knows what she did was wrong. But, she is hurting. She went in expecting release and what she found was bondage.

This blog is not intended to condemn, throw blame at, or hurt anyone. It is intended to recognize the right that all mothers are special. They deserve the right to carry, deliver and nurture their children. If it is beyond their means, they deserve the right to find that child a home that will bless them. The Word says, "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them....(children-sons in this particular passage)" Psalm 127:5

If you have had an abortion and would like to share your story, please feel free to share it with me or Jessica. We would love to hear your story, listen to your pain, and pray with you. The amazing thing about our Saviour, is that He came to "bind up the broken hearted". He loves you just the same as He did before you lost your child. There is no condemnation in Him unless you reject Him. Salvation and forgiveness, for that matter, are gifts. Gifts are meant to be accepted.

Jessica's email: jkyleen1981@yahoo.com Jeremiah's email: j77walker@hotmail.com

This is the link for the story of Gianna Jessen: http://joseromia.tripod.com/gianna.html

If you have the opportunity, go to http://www.youtube.com/ and search her name. It is amazing to see how she is using the life that God spared and also to see the disdain with which she is treated by the media, in some situations.

Jeremiah

Sick, bruised, and burning cereal sticks.....

2009-01-21T10:16:00.000-08:00

So, last night we put the kids in bed. Judah wanted to sleep with Corban and she said "okay", so he climbed in bed with her. Well, he did something to hurt her at some point, something to do with pinching her arm. Well, I guess Corban got fed up because the next thing we knew, Judah was screaming and it was a scream that sounded like something was wrong. I went into their room and he was standing there, hardly able to breathe, and holding his eye. I pulled his hand down to look at it and the poor guy definitely hit something when he fell out of the bed. He has the same little viral bug we all have had and as usual it is lodged in his respiratory tract with great enthusiasm. He coughed all night long, inspite of benadryl and his inhaler. It was a long night for Jess. I had taken benadryl myself to quit coughing so I would sleep well, so I was pretty much out of it and slept good, poor Jess!

So, today, I get home from class to eat some lunch and I walk in and it smeels like smoke. This morning before I left, I grabbed a box of cereal and noticed these little "cereal straws" were still in the pantry. I knew the kids would most likely ravage them if they were in sight and well, I was right. When I asked Jess what the smoke was coming from she proceed to tell me the following: "Your son*in that stren tone*", somehow I knew she was going to say that, "let me just tell you this, by the time I got to the microwave....the time on it was 36:24 and counting down". I gave my usual look and she said, "yes, he decided to cook a cereal straw". He told Jess, "I wanted it warm mommy, why can I not use the microwave anymore?".

So, now, he is running around with a sweatshirt on, red and green "Lightning McQueen" socks on his footies, and eating an apple. Just a day in the life the Hutcherson household. Thanks for stopping by.

Where we are now

2009-01-20T15:09:00.000-08:00

Hey Everybody, It has been a while since I have sent out an update. Everyone has had alot going on so I will try to catch everyone up on how we are doing. I am not sure if I sent out a message about Corban accepting Jesus into her life or not but she did and not long after Elli's passing. It was an awesome time where she told Jess and me about how satan had told her repeatedly that Elli's death was a result of something she had done. Then, when she wasn't buying in to that anymore, it was a result of something I had done. At the end, she came to the conclusion that she loved Jesus, she knew He loved her, she was a sinner and needed His grace. We both agreed that Satan is an idiot and that He belongs in hell! Jess' face has cleared up tremendously. She has some deep scaring and also discoloration. She is still just as beautiful as ever but it still bothers her. Judah is still as rowdy as ever. I have a quick story about him. We were driving in the car, going to Corban's teacher's house for dinner one night. Corban, was digging in her nose. (she would crawl into a ball if she knew I was telling this) Anyway, she found I guess what was a sizeable amount of...well, you know...a booger and I guess proceeded to wipe it on the car seat. Well, little Judah was absolutely appauled at what his big sister was doing and told her so. He said and I quote, "Sissy, that is disgusting to wipe your boogers on the seat of the car! You should wipe them on your pans like me!". We all laughed and couldn't quit talking about how funny he is. How are we dealing with grief. Well, up until recently, not very good. I think I pretty much had what was the equivalency of a nervous breakdown near the end of last semester. Jessica informed me recently that she needed someone to talk to because I have panic attacks everytime we talk about Elli. It is easier to talk to other people about her because the conversation doesn't usually last very long. Something about talking about someone's dead child that really freaks people out! Yeah, isn't that calling the kettle black. So, I pretty much dealt with the fact that we have to talk about it. I always like everyone else to talk about their issues and feel open and I couldn't do the same. Things have been going better since we started up again. It is hard at whatever age you lose a child. As hard as it was losing Elli, to think of Corban or Judah passing seems unimagineable. Some people probably are thinking, why in the world are you talking about that. Well, one reason is, it is happening all around us. We can think of 5-10 people right now who have children struggling with disease or who have passed that we know of on a first name basis. So many people struggling with life and death. We also have friends that, what seems like a much less invasive issue, that are really struggling financially, not that we aren't among them. One of my good buddies just got laid off after he relocated from two-three states away. It seems like the foundation from under us is being ripped out. The main things, the important things in our lives are being torn away and the future isn't looking real bright unless you are looking for "Change" in a man. So far, all the talk is about color and not much about the stuff that really matters. Even he can't make up his mind who is going to pray and in what name at his big ta-do tomorrow. I am not trying to sound smugg, well, maybe just a little. But seriously, we are living in very trying times. I remember that scene in dumb and dumber when Jim Carey or the other dufus, talks about their "pets heads are falling off". We kind of feel like everything around us is falling off. And so this leads me to the point that will hopefully allow me to get some sleep. I have grown up in church. Jessica has grown up in church. Maybe it is just us, but we have learned so many things about God but on few occasions have we been in his presence among believers. When Jess was pregnant with Elli, we went to one church. Jessica really wanted the pastor to pray over us because we had been attending there for a while. When we went up at the close of the service, you know the time when decisions are supposed to be made; the pastor told his deacons to come up "quickly" so they could pray. Mind you, he had just told everyone our circumstance. And he used the word quickly. I don't know about y'all but I was like screw the beans folks, this is my wife and child we are praying about. We also went to another gathering where people got on the floor around us and wept for the life that we so desperately wanted to flourish. I guess in the end, what we have been dealing with is God's love, His plan, how do these things happen? Well, we don't have all the answers but God has been showing me some really cool stuff, grant it, I have not slept in many days now, well, not at night like normal people do. Basically, He has put me in a position to where I had no where else to turn but him. I woke up with a dream about Corban dying the other night. It woke me up from a dead sleep at 2:30. I am nothing special in the prayer department either folks. I have wanted to stay up praying but so far the only times that has happened was when he woke me up to pray for Abby and Elli. What I found is that He has been there with me all along. He has tried to talk to me before but hasn't had the opportunity. He has not been mad that I have not listened. He is just glad that I am now. He loves me inspite of the way my circumstances are, inspite of the way I see myself and the importance I place on things, jobs, security, you name it. In the end, it really isn't about me, it isn't about this life, it isn't even about a plan, it is about a person. It is about a relationship with that person. It is about communication with that person and allowing Him to come in, cast His light on those shadows from all of those hurts(the one's that seem so big because of all the darkness around). For years, I thought that I had to go through this diatribe of "forgive me for this, forgive me for that" before I could get close to Him. All along, He wasn't that concerned about the sin. Yes, I just said that. He already took care of that on the cross and I had asked Him into my heart. So, in this instance it wasn't the sin keeping me from hearing Him. I was allowing what "I" thought about God's listening to me to control my prayer life. I am not saying that sin can't hinder our prayers but it should hinder our ability "to" pray. In fact, some of the sin in my life, I didn't know was there until I got up close enough to Him to see that it was bothering me. Another thing, the things that I have seen in my moments with Him, He didn't show or point it out to me the way I thought He. He has done it in the most loving and compassionate way immagineable. So why send out a blustering email about prayer. Well, Jess and I need it for one. If we know so many people hurting, I would assume you do too. If we have to hurt in this life, I would prefer it not to be in vain and that I learn as much from it as possible. So far, I have learned less about the why's of losing a child and why parents have to go through that stuff. So far, I have learned some of what I have been taught already. That God does care and very much so. I am not in this alone but that He doesn't force himself on anyone. We have to invite him. We are in this world not of it. While God does micromanage every detail of our lives, He will take the most of every circumstance and detail and work it for our advantage when we love Him-period. But because He is not of this world, things don't always make "our kind" of sense. The book I am reading describes us as being in a matrix. We are in this world, we live in our society and have to deal in it. God doesn't have to play by our rules and therefore we don't understand everything that happens. It is a power struggle and we need all the help we can get and we have it- we just have to ask for it. I hope everyone is doing well and that this helps somebody in some way if you are at all dealing with things that don't make "our kind" of sense. We love you all and thank you for your prayers. Some days are good and some are bad. We are learning to ask Him to walk beside us, even though He is already there, put one foot out and walk with His help. He already knows He is there for us, we are the one's that keep forgetting. Goodnight! Jeremiah, Jessica, Corban, Judah and Eliana(9/3/08) Hutcherson Pink, Nina and Melody too:)

Late night ramblings of a crazy man November 14, 2008

2009-01-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

"Most people get stuck at some point because God appears to have abandoned them. He is not coming through. Speaking about her life with a mixture of disappointment and cynicism, a young woman recently said to me, "God is rather silent right now." Yes, it's been awful. I don't discount that for a moment. She is unloved; she unemployed; she is under a lot. But her attitude strikes me as deeply naive, on the level of someone caught in a cross fire who asks, rather shocked and with a sense of betrayal, "God, why don't you make them stop firing at me?" I'm sorry, but that's not where are right now. It's not where we are in the Story. That day is coming, later, when the lion shall lay down with the lamb and we'll beat swords into plowshares. For now, it is bloody battle."
"Waking the Dead" -John Eldredge
Let me try to recount the things that make us feel forgotten....we got married-that cause alot of things to change. My family basically dumped us. We lost everything but our jobs, it can always be worse can't it? We filed bankruptcy. Jess had a crazy stalker guy, that cut holes in the floor of our appartment and placed microphones in it. Little Abigail Steer was born with a whopping brain tumor. We started back to school. We found a really good school for me to go to and Jess decided to take a break and spend some time with the kids. We got moved, settled in and not long thereafter found out we were expecting another child. We found out the baby had a rare kidney disease. We prayed for healing. It didn't happen. She was born. She was beautiful. She was a "she", for those that didn't know(the dr.s never could tell her sex in utero). Three days after we welcomed her, we burried her.
I am sure there were some other things that happened in the mix that were/are quite nerve wracking but at this aweful hour of the morning they seem to have escaped me. --Oh yeah, Jess has this strange skin condition that is finally starting to give way to a little relief at last.-- Anyway, we later found out Elli's disease wasn't the kidney disease we had once thought it was, rather, it was a flip of a sequence in her DNA, something that might possibly be passed down to other children. Then we found out it wasn't going to be passed only to fnd out again that can be but it is a slim chance, confusing I know. Then, to top things off, my grandmother ends up with breast cancer. Some of these things popped up within weeks of eachother. So, that is our last eight years wrapped up into one ball of wax. I wish I could say that everyone else's life was much better and filled with less drama.
I have not been sleeping well at all. Jess has been, by the grace of God. And it is truly by his grace because all of the stuff she has been on can interefere with sleep among other things. But back to what I was saying. Many of us are so downtrodden right now. We are beat up, shoved around, tired, hungry, neglected, thirsty, grieving....the list goes on and on. All of these things woven together make for one terrible blanket to wrap ourselves in each morning, noon and night.
In today's world we are constantly taught that things are not what they have seemed for years. Right is well, we don't really know what in the hell it is anymore, sorry for the word but- that is what most people think. In our society, Darwinianism has taken presidence over any ideas of God having anything to do with creation. With all we know about carbon dating, or what we think we know, we just about have things figured out. My opinion only, alot of this could have been averted by well meaning people indocrinating other's based on their beliefs, right or wrong. Instead of leading them into a relationship, they led them forward strangled them is more like it bound them with the restraints from which we were supposed to be free. I don't have to go on and on about what things are going on in this world. Whether we all believe the same or not, things are changing for Americans like they never have before in our lifetime. Whether we agree or not on faith and what lies beyong the unseen, most of us would likely agree that there are good and bad things that happen in this life. No matter how you slice atoms and explain the physical, it doesn't explain how these things good or bad things happen. Science only tells part of the story.
What I am about to say might seem harsh at first. But please stick with me.... Tonight has been a very rough night for Jess. She went to a PTA meeting to give her time for the benefit of her own child. Fact of the matter is, she would've done it for anyones child. She spent most of the night alone making little Indian and Pilrim outfits out of paper grocery bags. It really wasn't an escape from the world of isolation with a 3 year old because everyone there spoke Spanish, no joke. (not that that is a bad thing.....) When she got home she was basically- useless for lack of a better word. She is anything but useless. What I mean by that word is simply this- she has been attacked to the "nth" degree and she needs help. She doesn't need a doctor, she doesn't need me to fix anything(eventhough I have in my "maleness" tried to think of things I could say or do to make it better), she doesn't need anyone else to come rescue her. Sometimes, you get so low things seem so surreal, so.....empty and meaningless. Sometimes, we just want to throw in the towel and say God, I either get that you are out there and you love me and I just don't feel it or I wonder if you really are there? And, if He is indeed there, why the heck doesn't he present Himself and rescue us? Afterall, isn't that what we think of God as, a rescuer in a time of need; someone we can thank politely when things are going good and someone we can blame things on when they are not?
If you don't know the story of Job, you have truly missed an icredible story. Whether you believe in God or not. It is about a man who, is caught between a fierce battle between God and satan. Satan wants Job to curse God, so he goes to God and asks Him for permission to afflict Job with many horrible things. God asks satan if he has considered his servant Job. It is like Job is sitting there minding his own business, his kids are footloose and fancy free, partying and having a good ole time, but Job is steady as the day. And there God is, "Have you considered my servant Job?". What the heck? I mean, maybe if God hadn't asked satan if he had considered Job, quite possibly Job would have gotten by unscathed or would he? None of those questions really matter you see, because as the story moves on, satan send a terrible slew of things Job's way. It happened whether Job liked it or not. In the end, God redeems Job and makes up for things, on this earth, that Job had lost. There were two things that satan couldn't take away from Job. At God's command satan was not allowed to take Job's life and the other was his faith.
In my lame attempt at an interpretation, God had a different perspective. God saw the story still unfolding, when Job felt it was all closing in and going to hell. God allowed certain bad things to come Job's way but he also made provisions for Job's redemption. He made a way.
So, while I am useless to even comfort my wife, while she seems useless with grief, despair and sheer exhaustion....God has not forgotten her. He hasn't forgotten any of us. The film is still rolling. The characters, while they may seem whiley and useless, in essence, they are not because they are all dancing as long as the coreographer gives them a move to make.
We have a sign that hangs up in our doorway. It quotes a scripture from Joshua that says, "As for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord". Dear friends, many of you who will read this believe in some supernatural being. You may not know His name. You may not think it is worth you while. I hope that you will take the time to at least ask some questions. Why did Job keep going? Why did he not curse a God that allowed horrible things to happen to him? What was the purpose of the whole thing?
For me, I have a real-life Job laying in bed right now. Actually, I am priviledged to share a home with a couple of them. They aren't flashy, to the world anyway. They will never be famous or be world renown. They will never fix all the problems with our economy or "spread the wealth". :) What they do keep doing is the same thing Job did. They act on the faith that someone, greater than them, has given them. They realize that right now, we aren't at the part in the story when all things are made right and completely justified. They realize that their hope is yet to come and is not of this world. They also realize that as good as things are in this world, they are nothing in comparison to the world that is yet to come. It is nothing in comparison to whom and with Whom we will share it with.
I have no idea if this will offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. If it does, it certainly was not my intention to do so. I really had no agenda in writing this at all. I was frustrated and hurting for my beautiful wife. I didn't even know what I was going to write when I sat down. I hope you all are having a blessed week. I hope everyone finds even a little piece of what Jessica has come to know. Though it seems empty, dark and cold right now, one day we will be at that part in the story.

God bless,
Jeremiah
As always, I didn't proof-read this.

Second letter to Elli October 7, 2008

2009-01-20T15:06:00.000-08:00

Little Elli,
I had imagined, when we first found out about your kidneys, that it would be difficult to lose a child. I never imagined that it would hurt, physically, as bad as this does. It seems like dads are supposed to not really feel anything. Well, it isn't the case.
I said I didn't want to have any regrets on the day you were born. I can't even think straight to type you something that makes sense. I keep listening to this same song over and over again. It talks about the world falling out from underneath and being found in Jesus. I so wish I could be at that point but at this moment I am just not feeling it. I know my mood will change and my hurt will ease for a little bit but I will be at this point again.
You look so much like Corban. It is shitty thing to have to live through. I never wanted to outlive one of my children. Mommy and I were talking the other day about how weird it is that mommy still looks pregnant. What do we have to show.....not our little baby. We so wished we could have brought you back home with us and cuddled you. We wished we could have heard you cry to the point that we just wanted an hour to rest.
It is amazing how attached to this flesh we can be sometimes. Your mommy put a blanket in with you because she didn't want your body to be cold. I thought, to myself, it is still fall in the South and she will be hot. With Winter approaching, I think about you little body being cold. It is such a twisted feeling to leave on of your kids in the ground and that to be "normal". Then to have to drive away. Not to be able to visit everyday, it seems like such a sucky thing. Had you lived, we would have not let you go without anything you needed but now we have to leave your body there...waiting.
What I wouldn't give to feel your little cheeks again. What your mommy wouldn't give to feel you silky hair again. What your sissy wouldn't give to dress you up, give you a bottle, change a diaper or give you a kiss. She looks at your pictures often and doesn't say anything for a little while. She usually opens up and talks but I think she knows exactly what mommy and daddy are going through.
Your big brother sure has been a lover since you were here. He is all the time telling us he loves us and giving big hugs and kisses. You even rocked Judah's world...and we thought he did all the "rocking". lol.
I know God won't let this go without redeeming the circumstances. If it weren't for that, your mommy, big sissy and bubby, I would just a soon be with you. I know this is just a moment and moments pass, for now, I wish the ache would ease just a little.
Love you,
Daddy

Hutcherson Family Update Thursday 2, 2008

2009-01-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

Thursday, October 02, 2008
Hutcherson Family Update
I just typed out the longest blog, to date, and when I was trying to post it, somehow, I deleted the darn thing. And no, the initial word that came to mind was not "darn". This one will be much shorter and to the point. Jess' face- is still not doing very good. The pus is coming out from time to time, so, hopefully it will heal up eventually. If not, we are looking at Jess being put on Accutane, which is very expensive and can cause numerous birth defects, if you get pregnant while taking it. We have lived with out sex for a long time now, so what's several more months, eh? Before they can prescribe the med, she has to read two books, we watched an extremely annoying video last night, that I swear was made for people who do not have all their mental faculties intact. It repeated the same things over and over. Then, it repeated them some more. Finally, you get the last part and it repeats everything from beginning. It was like watching re-runs of re-runs multiple times (was that sentence annoying? that is how the video was). Anyway, the kids are doing pretty good. Corban talked with us the other night and told us how satan has been attacking her and telling her that Elli's death was a result of bad things she had done and things that I had done. She also told us that Jesus told her that satan was lying to her and that she is not to blame and Elli is with him and has no more "owies". She is so much smarter than us, esp. spiritually. Her name means- "a gift devoted to God", we devoted her and God is fulfilling His plan in her for sure. So, after we talked for a while we prayed and she asked Jesus into her heart. She is so excited, she is telling everyone. We are going to set up a time for Uncle Shane to baptize her. Judah has been kind of emotional. The other night he came into the living room and his face was turning several shades of blue. We have enough experience with our children changing colors lately. :) Anyhow, he had a belt secured tightly around his little neck. I had several books on me, which I threw off quickly to go get the scissors and Jess started trying to get the belt off. Before I got back into the living room, Jess had the belt off. Then, Judah takes off running and yelling, "I can bweave, I can bweave". We really couldn't do anything but laugh. (He did this in his bedroom and came into the living room when he decided he was having trouble breathing, I guess. Just so no one thinks we watch our children bind themselves.) You may laugh but we have had really strange things happening to us since Elli's death. You can leave no stone unturned. School- hard to catch up. My chemistry professor has really worked with me to help get me caught up. I took my first test in Organic. I won't post the grade, it is nothing to be proud of, pretty good I guess for taking it a week and a half after I gathered all the funeral arrangements for our daughter. The other chemistry class I have with him, I took the test the other day, I think Monday. We haven't gotten those back yet, so not sure on that one. I felt a little better about that one but we will see. Calculus, what a crazy subject. If you hated Algebra, you sure would like Calculus. I had to drop that one. The professor for that class was more than willing to work with me as well but I knew I was going to self-destruct if I continued on that path at this time. Genetic testing- the results from Elli are in. We assumed that no news was good news. Jess finally called to find out about those. Basically, there were markers that would indicate a hereditary pre-disposition to the disease Elli had. It is suggested, at this point, that we have further testing if we want to have more children. "Some might say, you should be glad you have two healthy children, some people don't even have that." Someone actually told us that. Well, that is true but it assumes that we need to be reminded of that or that losing one out of three isn't too bad. For those of you that have lost a child and have had something like this said to you, I am very sorry. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have healthy children. The Bible tells us that children are a blessing. It says, "that those who have a quiver full are blessed". We are very grateful for Corban and Judah's health. Corban's Kidneys- We did find out, after Elli was born, that Corban has a cyst on one of her kidneys. We assume that they didn't tell us earlier b/c they didn't want us to be alarmed and there is no immediate complications from it. Cysts on kidney's are not uncommon and even in this disease, people usually make it to their teens and even their 30's before they know that they have it. The doctors are researching a little bit more before they contact us. We are hoping that there is no connection. There are so many differing opinions...even in the medical field concerning Multi and Poycycstic Kidney Disease. At first we thought that Elli had Multicystic Dysplastic Kidney disease(MDKD) which has no, or so they think, genetic pre-disposition. If in fact it is the Polycystic, it would implicate that there is a possibility that Corban or Judah could develop the disease. SO, we can't say that it doesn't concern us but.......all we can do is wait. Life in general has been fairly interesting. We found our that my grandmother, Connie, has breast cancer. So, please remember her in your prayers. We have had a couple other really WEIRD things happen that are so bizarre, we don't even care to re-tell them. All this to say, please remember to pray for us. I know our prayer list contiues to grow. So many people are hurting, our political climate is frustrating, and the financial climate is down-right depresssing. I hope this song below will encourage you as much as it has us. Well, I have written much more than I had intended as I have mound of homework started but not all of it is completely finished. So, I will leave you all with this thought.....or rather the lyrics to this song and I will attach the song as well.
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,I can only conclude that I, I was not made for hereIf the felsh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,then ofcourse I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared
[CHORUS]Speak to me in the light of the dawnMercy comes with the morningI will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numbAnd avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become
[CHORUS]
[BRIDGE]For we, we are not long hereOur time is but a breath, so we better breathe itAnd I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know youHope is coming for meHope, He's coming

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHpuTGGRCbY

How are we? September 19, 2008

2009-01-20T15:03:00.000-08:00

Hello,
So, what do you say to someone who just lost a child? Well, heck if we know. "God needs another angel..........She is so much better off in heaven?". Those don't really aren't the worst things to say but they don't really comfort either. We realzie both of those realities. We know this in our spirit but we still have the flesh to contend with and wish to hold our little girl. We have a number of friends who are pregnant or who have just had babies. So, what do you say to someone who has just lost a child when you have just had a baby or are about to deliver? I can tell you what I feel about that.
When I saw Shawn and Esther Lowery's baby, Nazhoni, I praised God for such a beautiful gift. I wanted to know how much she weighed, how long she was, was she as loud and squirley as her mommy? Will she act like she is shooting arrows at me, like her mommy does? (For those of you that don't know, Esther is Sioux Indian) All this to say, we are so excited to hear about everyone's babies doing well!! If anyone has a baby that is healthy or sick, we want to know, we want to PRAY!!
Probably the hardest thing about losing a baby, is the silence. I honestly wouldn't know what to say to someone else who lost a child either. Everyone handles stuff differently. However, everyone is proud of their children and we want to brag and tell how wonderful they are...... So, from us, here are a few suggestions that may help anyone who has a friend that is facing a pregnancy with a congenital disease or had lost a child:
If it was a miscarriage:
Ask the mom or dad what they think their child would have looked like. Probably one of the hardest things is feeling like your child matters to everyone else, he/she definitely matters to you and other people care about you, when silence-as a whole takes precedence- it can seem like no one is interested. We haven't had a miscarriage so this is a little out of our league but...... People are usually interested but it is just hard to know what to say. If I say too much or say the wrong thing......if you don't know what to say, simply say that.
If the baby dies at birth:
What do you normally do with babies? Ask how much he/she weighs, looks like, how long, how much hair......... There will be moments when we cry but usually it is so random and not over anything anyone says in particular. Everyone wants to help and comfort, one way that has helped us is when people have encouraged us to talk about Elli. All parents, like I said before, like to talk about their children. Sometimes, since Elli's passing, we have felt a range of emotions but we weren't sure exactly what we were feeling. Sometimes what is on our face doesn't really reflect what we are feeling on the inside. Questions have really helped us grieve. Honestly, we have not had any bad experiences with anyone. But we realize how awkward it must be for everyone that loves us, so, hopefully this will help everyone out. Prayer: so many times we know we are being held up by prayer, really. I used to tell people I was praying for them, and I would but wasn't sure exactly how. I guess the first obstacle for me was realizing that there is a battle between the flesh and spirit. It is amazing how I can be caught up in the Spirit and my body be so tired and weary and it feels like a weight is on my chest and back. I am telling you this and Jess is the one that is dealing with all of the physical aspects that are minute by minute reminders of the loss we are facing.
So, I can't leave on a dreary and depressing note. That just wouldn't be me. So, I will tell you about something that happened when Elli was here that God showed me the other day...... It eased one of the most pressing hurts in my heart. When Jess and I got married, Jess and I wanted to elope instead of having a wedding. However, we could not get past the point that Jess' dad needed to walk her down the aisle. It was as important for me as it was for Jess, eventhough I didn't know for sure that I would have a daughter. Anyway, one of the worst things for me has been the fact that I haven't been able to dance with Elli and I would never get to give her away at her wedding.
Well, check this out. About 45 minutes before Elli passed, Shane, my best man and the best funeral preacher ever!!!!! (Can I get an AMEN?) (I hear ya!) Anyway, he suggested that since we had dedicated Corban and Judah to the Lord, why should we do anything any differently with Elli. Honestly, I had been thinking about it all day long but was so concerned with Jess and the kids getting to hold and getting pictures that I kept forgetting about it, but not my brother Shane. Not long after Shane prayed an amazing, tear evoking, Christ centered, Spirit led prayer, Elli's physical appearance began to change. To those of us who haven't seen alot of death, it looked like things might be changing- not sure how, her diagnosis hadn't changed. What God brought to my attention is that about the time Shane was praying, as Corban was holding her and Jess and I were at her side, I was next to my daughter on the biggest day of her short life. She went straight from our loving arms to the loving arms of the bridegroom! It was only a short time after the dedication that she passed. So, in reality, I did get to walk my daughter down the aisle. It doesn't mean that I don't hurt but c'mon, how can you be sad when you think about something as awesome as that.
God is so amazing and good! He loves us all so dearly. The hardest thing is getting past all this world has taught us and walking in the faith that He gives us. Sooner or later, the bottom of this life will fall out and the only way to walk or stand will not be with our feet. A dear friend of mine shared this song with me the other night and I cannot quit listening to it. I love music and it ministers to me sometimes when nothing else seems to get through. I hope you like it too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4KiGN1j1No
We are getting thank you cards out to everyone.....there is no way a card can thank everyone for all the ways you have blessed us! However, the cards we have received, they have been amazing and the scripture and thought behind them has ministered to us! Kind of an oxymoron, huh? Anyone that knows me gets it :)

didn't spell check this one either, sorry! :)

Dear Elli September 9, 2008

2009-01-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

Baby girl,
I have no idea where to begin. First, I am so thankful for the time that we had with you. For fear that people will think we are more than we are I have to be honest and peel away the layers and get down to my heart.
I woke up this morning so sick I could hardly get out of bed. I was literally neasous. I thought, "I need to get up and open my books but.......I couldn't even think that far ahead of the moment." I got up and went to check on your mommy to make sure she was okay and give her meds to her. We talked with Uncle Shane for a minute and went to run an errand.
Your big sis called to tell us she needed a chocolate doughnut. I think she really wanted to talk about you but didn't want to do it over the phone. Mommy and I talked while we waited outside Harps. We had to just go in because we were cryind and knew we would never make it in if we didn't just do it then.
We got your sis' doughnuts and went out to see Papa, went and got food that the Francis' made for us and then we went to get bubby and big sissy at Grammy's house.
When we left there we went to see your body's grave. It was as hard to pull up today as it was the other day. It just doesn't seem right for there to be a grave for such a little body. Bubby got out of the van and ran out toward the grave and asked where his baby was. However brief you were here, he hasn't forgotten you and we will be sure to remind him of you. Sissy and daddy talked about your kidneys and how mean satan is. She informed mommy and daddy that she is going to pray for another little sister, that is calm and healthy! She said satan is not going to give your new sister any "owies" on her kidneys or anywhere else. When we left, eventhough you aren't there anymore, it still seems so unnatural to leave your little body there...waiting for night to come. It seemed even more heartbreaking as winter is on its way and it will be cold soon. We love taking care of your bubby and sissy and taking care of you would have been a joy as well.
After we left there, bubby wouldn't be quiet. It is good he is so funny 'cause we needed to laugh. We got to Harrison and ate lunch, nobody was going to make it otherwise. Bubby was such a gentleman, he opened the doors for the ladies and held mommy's hand to the door, so she wouldn't fall. Daddy made it halfway through lunch before I could hold the tears anymore. I lost my appetite as I thought about how we left Clarksville with you in mommy's tummy and now we had to go back home without you in our arms. Your mommy's arms started hurting to hold you.
Fast forward a few long hours and we are now home. Daddy tried to get everything unloaded and mommy came in. I was trying to hurry and let mommy go to your empty crib by herself. I think she needed a minute. We held eachother and cried.
Mommy's tummy is beginning to go down. This will be the first time that I sleep in our bed and don't feel your little kicks on my back and backside. I won't be able to feel mommy's tummy and fell your movements. I won't be able to make crazy noises and see mommy's tummy get all funky.
I am sure your day was much brighter and full of love. Like the song says, you have probably seen Noah's Ark, probably walked on those streets of gold and most importantly you have held the hand of Jesus' and felt the scars that made it possible for us to see you again one day. This we know and cling to, otherwise, it would just hurt too bad to go on.
One cool thing is, I laid my cheek on sissy's arm....and it was cool, it reminded me of your cheeks that night you left us. Eveytime I feel a cool sensation on my cheek, I will always think of you and close my eyes and pretend I have you again for a second.
Well, I need to get mommy to bed for a little rest. I love you and haven't forgotten you. My heart hurts to hold you and I can't imagine how bad mommy's must hurt. Please ask Jesus to make it a cold winter, so bubby and sissy will have lots of cold cheeks.
Daddy

Precious Moments September 8, 2008

2009-01-20T15:00:00.000-08:00

Monday, September 08, 2008
Precious Moments Current mood: awake
Family, Not everyone knows what all transpired on Wednesday, so we thought we would send out an email letting everyone know. Elli was born at 7:59am. After she was born her color wasn't very good. They announced it was a baby girl......kind of hard not to cry over that one. Dr. Condrey started giving her oxygen to help her out. She was making a kind of wimpering sound which was music to our ears. Dr. Bruton was still working on Jess so Dr. Condrey moved Elli closer to her and as soon as her color was a little better, doc put Elli up next to Jess' face. They unstrapped one of Jess' hands so that she could touch her. After a moment, we took Elli to the nursery to confirm her diagnosis. In the nursery, "Pink" was the order. For those at the funeral that didn't have a clue about that order.....it was given to keep her color good until she got to Jess. Dr. C said her heart was beating strongly and her respirations, though labored, were very good for a baby at her gestational stage. A sonographer came in and took images of Elli's kidneys. Shortly thereafter, Nurse Mickey and I took Elli to see mommy in recovery. Jess got to hold her and cuddle her. While there, we got a call that Dr. Hall, from Children's, was on the webcam and ready to look at the ultrasound images. So, we took her back to the nursery. Dr. Hall confirmed that the diagnosis was correct and that we were making right decisions. He commended and rightfully so, the care that everyone was giving Elli and suggested that they put an umbilical line in to give her medicine as need to make sure she was comfortable. Dr. Condrey told Jennifer(our precious photographer!!) and I that there were no nerve endings in the umbilical chord, so Elli didn't feel a thing and would never have to be pricked with a needle. What an amazing blessing. In the nursery, from the time of the confirmation of diagnosis until she got to Jess, it seemed like forever. Our situation was a little different than the Smith's but it did take longer to get Elli into Jess. Between 11:00-11:30, Elli was brought to mommy and Jess was able to hold her little girl again. Throughout the day, Corban and Judah held her and family members as well. As it got closer to 4 her respirations were slowing and her heart rate was weakening. Our brother, Shane, came in and offered to offer Elli up in dedication. All of Elli's family was there. Nurse Mickey was there and I was told that Dr. Bruton even happened to be there, a blessig for us. Shane offered up one of the sweetest and most delicate prayers anyone could, cause that's Shane and he lets the Holy Spirit lead him. So, she was dedicated back to God. Tears were in fresh supply! At about 4:10, Grandma Ange listened to her chest and wasn't able to hear a heartbeat. She let Nurse Mickey know and she came to verify. Dr. Condrey was called and quickly came to confirm time of death. Corban picked out a onesie for little sis to wear. Nurse Mickey took Elli's body to the nursery and dressed her for us and held her as well, God bless Mickey and her compassion- she was definitely Spirit filled and is spilled over bountifully!! They brought her body back and Corban and Grandma dressed her up in accessories. These were some of the sweetest pictures we have. Corban was giddy and so happy to help take care of her lil' sister. We had family time with Grammy and Papa. Then, Jess and I were left for a while. Later that evening, Uncle Mikey and Grandpa Tom came back. Aunt Beth came to see us. After everyone had left, Jess and I had time to hold Elli's body and we cried. We tried to memorize every little inch of her cute face and thanked Jesus for the time we had with her! At about 10:00 pm, the wonderful lady from the funeral home, Holly, came in and sat down with us. She answered questions for us and was so sweet. She told us what she needed, Elli's clothing and stuff. Holly told us to take some more time with her body. She had to fill out paperwork and about 45 minutes later she came back....the time we were dreading. I have never hurt in my heart so badly seeing my wife having to let go of that girl she fought so hard to care for knowing her breast would soon be ready to nurse that little girl and she was about to leave us, or her body anyway. So Holly waited until Jess handed her the body. I had to go back for one more kiss and then she wheeled the little crib out of our room. Our hearts sank pretty much. We knew in our spirits that she was in the arms of Jesus and He was caring for her better than we could but......the flesh is weak. So, the flesh is a death sentence not to be gotten out of without a cost. They came in shortly there after and drugged Jess pretty well. Until it kicked in we cried and layed there together and lived out our vows....for better or for worse....this seemed like the worst we had endured so far. I am sure Jess will send out a message soon, as she gets a chance to process but for now I will share with you what happened to me the next morning. I woke up at 5:30 and could not go back to sleep. God does that to me and that was the last thing I wanted to do, be awake. But, let me tell you. Our God rocked me gently. He showed me some things I had been hanging onto that I needed to let go of. My character and love for my girls has been under question recently, which is especially hurtful given my childhood circumstances. The Holy Spirit entered that room the day before and whether or not He left and returned, it didn't matter because I welcomed Him and begged to sit in God Almight's lap. That is just what happened! I started crying and couldn't stop. I went to the bathroom because I didn't want to wake Jess up. I cried so hard, it felt like my head was going to explode but I knew it would be okay. The faith that Corban had was rising up in me, not of my own doing but definitely by the same author. I told God that it hurt so bad to see our little girl leave the room...... You know what His response was? I know. He told me that everytime someone chooses not to believe in Him, it is pretty much the same thing......His child is leaving the room never to return. As a father or mother, we now understand that pain. Who are we that we should not endure what Christ has afterall, isn't that who we are wanting to be like. All this to say, as bad as it hurt...I was not alone in that room. For those that think, Jeremiah and Jessica are strong, please know, we are amazingly strong but it isn't us. It is the presence of One much greater than us. Someone whose love is so amazing, even after we lost our child, He still does little things to let us know that He is there and knows our pain. Some of the things may seem like "happenstance" but we know better. We are so favored and we have a glory that is so amazing but it is a glory that comes from above. That little heart on my t-shirt, that is one of many things that the Lord has done to embrace us. If you don't know Jesus.....we pray that you will allow Him to open the door of your heart and lead you. This life is full of pain and uncertainty. But from experience, when He comes down and comforts you......it is so unexplainable....it soothes a heart that has just lost the opportunity on earth, to dance with his daughter, to kiss her goodnight, and to tell her he will beat boys up if the mess with her. I will never walk Elli down the aisle to get married but with the help of my brother Shane and all our family, we walked her down the aisle and blessed her little life and her true Father came to get her. I am a father blessed to know that my little girl is not in that cold grave tonight out in the middle of nowhere, she is listening to the same heartbeat we are......the heartbeat of God. God bless and please continue to lift us up. I know you all will because you love us. This is the song from Elli's funeral too. The first part breaks our heart and reminds us of our flesh, the second reminds us of who we were meant to be and what we are truly meant to do......be in the arms of God. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o p.s. I did not check for typos, I just wrote. :)

Ultrasound 5.......I think...... August 25, 2008

2009-01-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

Monday, August 25, 2008
Ultrasound 5..........I think.....
Well today Jess went and had the ultrasound and a brief visit with the doctor.
The Ultrasound: The baby does have lungs now and they appear to be functioning normally, another unknown until the baby is on the outside. There is not "measureable" amniotic fluid. They didn't say there wasn't any there for sure but they couldn't locate any pockets that were clearly amniotic fluid. The kidneys don't appear to have increased in size, nor did the cysts appear to have grown. Her feet are in her face. She is literally sandwhiched in the womb. They could see the wall of the uterus right in front of her face. This is normal further in the pregnancy but she is only 32 weeks and 3 days. So, with just shy of 8 weeks left to go this highly undesireable. She is still moving ALOT. Most babies by this point are very lethargic and movement is rare. She appears to be stubborn, like her mom and dad. She kicked the ultrasound thingamajig several times as she didn't like it. I don't think I would either! The heartbeat is still steady and strong.
Jess is still having a lot of pain. It is hard for her to get out of bed to go to the bathroom every two hours at night. Sitting back down is equally as painful as the baby is so low already.
The due date: Well, the doctor was slammed. He had been gone to a conference and instead of them double booking him they tripple booked him. Instead of appointments every 10 minutes he had appointments every 2 minutes. Yeah. He is a good doctor though and takes very good care of Jess and this has been the only time this has happened. Usually, he lets other people wait while we ask him questions. Jess said he did seem upset with the way the ultrasound looked because of the lack of fluid. We are going to talk to him tomorrow and get a date set for sure. So, when we get that, we will let everyone know what is going on. He didn't want to schedule anything for sure without being able to sit down and discuss some things with us.
Basically, Jess is trying to make it as long as she can before she just can't handle it anymore. She isn't in constant pain, it is just when she has to move around, since she is pregnant and the baby kicks her bladder repeatedly, you can imagine how oftern she has to get up. She has tried to walk it off but that just makes it worse.
Sorry we don't have more info but that is all we have. Everything in its time I guess. The dates we are looking at are still the 9th and 16th of September. I know this is a teeter-totter situation, so, we completely understand that is not ideal for planning time of from work and such. All that to say, please, don't anybody stress out about being there, we still don't know what is going to happen.
For anybody who has lived through something like this, we have our moments for sure, but for the most part we are doing okay- no doubt because of everyone's prayers. I know this blog sounds kind of short and sterile but we really don't know much ourselves. We are just waiting, hoping and trusting regardless of the outcome it will work out for our best and everyone else's.

Ultrasound 4 July 14, 2008

2009-01-20T14:58:00.000-08:00

Monday, July 14, 2008
Ultrasound 4
Well, today Jess had her fourth ultrasound, glucose test and doctor's visit. Haven't gotten the results on the glucose test, probably tomorrow before we will know anything on that.
As for the ultrsound, well, things really haven't changed much. The baby is bigger and the fluid levels haven't increased. They have decreased to 2.91, last time it measured 5.1 or so. To be honest, we didn't even ask what was normal, don't really care- bottom line, it is definitely nowhere near what it should be. She still has good movement. Heart is still strong. We saw her mouth open and close and could see her eyes move around. All of this is as the doctors said it would be, normal until birth.
--The kidneys, right kidney- you can't even really see it, it is one big cyst. In fact, they said that the right kidney looks like the bladder should look and they couldn't locate the bladder(either that was the bladder and it is in the wrong spot or most likely the bladder just isn't getting the fluid it needs) . They did say that the bladder can be somewhat ambiguous sometimes but..........The left kidney has, it looks like, three larger cysts-probably a compilation of cysts, but otherwise looks like it did last time.
So, we are faced with the fact that maybe our faith is just optimism misguided, any kind of healing just hasn't taken place yet or we will be putting into effect some of the funeral arrangements we have been making. Either way the person in Whom our faith is placed is still here and our family is for the most part, healthy and active- either way, we win. That is just regergitated stuff right now! Deep inside we know it is true right now. If anything, we want to be real and right now we are discouraged. But we are nothing less than blessed and know it. As soon as we got home Judah stripped of his underwear and shorts walked out the front door, scratched his butt and proceeded to fertilize the lawn, with urine, no deffication this time:) and yes- he has done that before too!
One thing that is evident, we are not the Christians of the Bible. However, if it is, in fact, the Lord's will to heal this baby, we can understand where Abraham might have had doubts when he was told that he and Sarah would one day have a child. Science says this but you are telling us this.....we aren't planning on going out and having affairs or anything:) but we do feel the crunch of what we feel we are being led to pray and what the evidence shows right now. We know all of the churchy-doctrine, right now we are just being as transparent as we can be. Otherwise, no one will know how to pray for us.
One way we know we are blessed is the mere fact that we have A LOT of people remembering us and praying for us! Thank you to everyone praying and everyone that is encouraging. Thank you to everyone who isn't affraid to ask how things are and those that don't feel like that have to understand to just be there.
I hope this hasn't been too depressing, I tried to add a little humor. For those who haven't called my cell phone, I don't have it, it is at a state park. Thanks to everyone that has reminded me, we will go get it tomorrow! :)
We will keep everyone updated! Sorry for any typos, too tired to fix them:)

Ultrasound 3 June 11, 2008

2009-01-20T14:55:00.000-08:00

Well, well. Today we all went in to have ultrasounds done on our kidneys. A nephrologist recommended it to rule out any genetic link to the baby's condition and also to better deduce a more concrete diagnosis. The kid's, Jess' and my ultrasounds were completely normal.
The baby: The amniotic fluid was measured and it measured the same amount as it did in Little Rock. The sonographer assured us that what she measured was indeed fluid and not the umbilical chord. The baby has doubled in weight and some of it is probably the volume increase in the cysts. The kidneys are both present. The right kidney is much smaller than it should be and is covered with cysts. The left kidney is normal sized and is also covered with cysts. They weren't real sure if one spot was a cyst or the bladder. The head is shaped normally now and the heart is beating very strongly.
Jessica, for now, is experiencing a normal pregnancy other than the acne. The acne's treatment, steroids, will actually speed up lung development and actually speed up the development of all the major organs-so, it could turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Jess' face is feeling much better and has absolutely no pain.
I know that not everyone understands our reasons for not inducing early. That is fine, we don't expect everyone to understand. For us, it is not our desire to intervene......she will be induced regardless and a few weeks or months is not going to make that big a difference in our level of attachment-we are attached and love this baby. We believe that she was created by God and well, it is up to Him to heal or not. As for now, we are praying for nothing less than total healing. We believe we are His children and He does hear our prayers and we don't want to be guilty of receiving not because we didn't ask(to quote the Bible and a dear friend).
For the skeptics and those that may think we have lost our minds.....in a way we have and feel more grounded than ever before. "Keeping it Level-headed" -We have made funeral arrangements in the event that the diagnosis proceeds unchanged. We looked at grave markers and have set up everything that we can set up at this point. HOWEVER, from this point on, we are proceeding in total Faith that the Lord is going to hear and answer our prayers. If I have learned one thing in science, it is that there are always exceptions and things unexplained......this is the realm in which our Lord works and we are not going to "not ask and not keep praying and believing" because people might think we are delusional or weird. The way I read it, we are weird/different/aliens, if you will. As for God's will, we want that and we do believe His will will be done. At this point, He hasn't given us any clear cut direction, so we are going to be a parents and pray for this baby as if it were Corban or Judah- or anyone else's baby we care about.
Again, I don't think everyone will completely understand our "rationale" and honestly at times we have "what are we thinking" thoughts as well, it is becoming more and more apparent that the rationale we seek is not our own. As for our Faith, it is definitely not our own.
Thank you to anyone who opened this blog or email. We definitely appreciate your prayers! We have a lot of friends and are blessed to have a wealth of rich relationships that have held us up thus far. We are facing something that anyone in the world can face. We are Christian but we are not different in that we will face hard times and difficult decisions and circumstances that don't make sense. We are removed from the realities of this present world. However, we do have a relationship with a Father that loves us beyond human measure and we are just beginning to taste what we were made for and we feel like we are on the brink of an amazing year- regardless of our circumstances! Love you all and we will keep you updated!

Crazy how life can change so quickly. May 27th, 2008

2009-01-20T00:57:00.000-08:00

Today we spent the day getting settled back in- getting laundry done, planting tomato plants, buying groceries and researching. At this point I wish I had already been to med school and/or atleast had gross anatomy. I don't think that by learning what disease our baby might have will actually save her but I still want to understand what is going on. There is nothing more frustrating than having questions and not having time to ask them and even more so- knowing something is wrong but not knowing what questions to ask.
We did enjoy watching the kids play and enjoy every second with them. We also laid down for a nap and felt the baby move. Everytime I say, "Hey Baby-Baby", she wakes up and starts moving around. I am sure there are range of emotions that will come in the days to come but for now we are learning all we can and enjoying every kick and every roll- every response. Thank you to everyone praying for us......you might not think it makes a difference but there have been a lot of time, so far, that we feel despair and then out of know where a breath of fresh air rushes in. Sometimes it isn't so much what we pray but the fact that we do!

Current Medical Diagnosis..... May 24, 2008

2009-01-20T00:56:00.000-08:00

So here we are. Jessica and I went to Little Rock on Thursday to meet with a genetics specialist. From our first ultrasound, we learned that the amniotic rating was a 3.2 and should be a 10-12; we also learned that the baby's kidneys were not visible. We were referred to the new doctor because they use a Level II ultrasound which has much greater clarity and due to the extremely low amniotic volume- we were in to see the OB/GYN High Rish Geneticist in two days instead of the usual two weeks.
So, this doctors assessment was that the baby does have kidneys but they are non functional due the numerous cysts that are supposedly on them. The bladder is deemed "not there" because it doesn't contain anything in it. As is the case with the diagnosis the lung are often underdeveloped and if the baby's make it to term live only moments after the chord is cut. From everything I have read, Bilateral Multicystic Kidney Dysplasia is inconsistent with life. This doctor told us that the genetic relevance is negligible and that we don't need to worry about future pregnancies or the possibility of myself, Jess or the kids having the same or like condition. We then met with the counselor which told us that we could induce now or wait to see if the baby makes it to term or possibly "expires" before hand. Oh yeah, because of the lack of amniotic fluid- this doctor commented that there was zilch- he could not tell the sex. He was able to make a definite and "accurate" diagnosis in about three minutes without that fluid but he couldn't tell the sex......hope you get my sarcasm there:)
Then, it his us. And we cried. I didn't think it was going to hit that hard. We drove down to Hot Springs and stayed at the Arlington to talk and stuff. We prayed and talked. Still don't have everything figured out but we got a few things squared away.
On Friday, we drove back to meet with our regular doctor and he swabbed Jess' face to test for staph. He is in agreement with us about continuing the pregnancy. We have had a few ask us how or if it would be harder if we didn't induce now......well, I guess the only thing we can do is ask those people what they would do. Regardless, we have had an overwhelming support and form those people as well. It is a hard situation anyway you look at it. For us, and I am speaking for us only, it is our child, regardless of the age, and we love it and for as long as it lives we will be the parents. If it does pass before term, we will be having a funeral- I feel for anyone who is incapable of understanding that and honestly, I hope no one else has to experience it. Either way, we aren't flushing it or throwing it in a waste basket. So our doctor is supportive.
Rachel called a neonatologist for us. Turns out that Children's in St. Louis sees five cases a year. A nephrologist here in Mountain Home said that though Polycystic is more genetically inheritable...Multicystic can be as well and that we would be foolish to not have ultrasounds done on all four of us as soon as possible to rule that out as well. He suggested that we go to Barne's in St. Louis to get a second opinion for sure as soon as possible. We, obviously, are hoping that due to the lack of amniotic fluid that it is a misdiagnosis. However, for inquiring minds, we are aware that if it is as diagnosed, it will be-minus a miracle- a grim outlook and grieving could very realistically be in our near future. I am throwing that out there for those that might assume we are not grounded in reality. I guess what it boils down to is the fact that though I LOVE science- I don't believe that is the designer behind our lives. I was not designed by genetics that was just the dispersal mechanism! Thanks mom and dad for dipsersing me! lol
Anyhow, if you want to pray for us, please pray right now that the diagnosis is wrong. We did pray for kidneys and there were kidneys there so mistakes can be made and machines don't tell us everything!

Sleepless Night and much thought.....May 21, 2008

2009-01-20T00:55:00.000-08:00

Well, some of you already know but for those of you who don't and those that actually read these things.....we had the ultrasound today. We went in hoping to find out the sex of the new baby and instead got a devastating wake up call. After the ultrasound, the doctor met with us to discuss what they saw. He started out by telling us that the baby wasn't normal. We kind of laughed and thought, what else is new- I didn't know it was possible for me to contribute to a normal offspring. But he wasn't kidding and now we look at the possibility of the unknown.
Most everyone knows I am a professing Christian. Most everyone knows I am not Orthodox in the sense that I don't pretend to be perfect or have everything figured out- I mean I have almost everything figured out....lol. One thing I have learned about God the last year is that being a Christian is not a free ticket out of life's hardships. Life happens to everyone. Getting saved, or accepting Christ as our Saviour, doesn't rescue us from the effects of sin or the consequences on earth. It does pardon us in the sense of eternity but why should we be excluded from difficulties as if we are some elite or better than others because we are saved. Also, I don't think that every bad thing that happens is a direct result of something bad we have done. I grew up feeling that way. I made an off the cuff comment about a why couldn't Judah be the one born "mute". Anyone who has spent time with him knows that would be handy at times. Of course I don't want him to be mute, I guess there was this underlying sense that things aren't right with the baby we are having.....or things won't be textbook like we have experienced with our children so far. I don't think I am claravoiant(or however the hell you spell it)- I just have had a sense that something was coming.
I guess my only selfish wish is that we would at least get to hold the baby. Even more selfish, I hope that this little baby doesn't hurt. Even more painful is the dissapointment I know Corban will have because she wanted a baby sister so badly. I know she will be okay, she has us and we shoot straight with her and love her and God knows she has come to lover herself- how else would one of my children exist.....she is just as vain as I am. She will probably end up trying to console little Judah who is clueless, what a little mother hen.
Anyway, enough rambling I guess. This is kind of like cheap therapy. I wish everyone else would write more of these so that I could see into everyone else's psyche. Maybe one of these days I will really open up and release some wicked/twisted emotional turmoil.....until then......

The Goings on in the life of a Middle-Aged Stud----ent! April 26, 2008

2009-01-20T00:46:00.000-08:00

So, everyone knows that we packed up and moved away from our comfort zone. I have to admit, when I decided to go back to school, I really haven't looked back very much. I did this in part because I thought I might "chicken out". To be truthful, I really didn't think going back to school, with a family, was going to be as big a challenge as it has proven itself to be. Part of the underlying motivation for going back to school was to prove that if I can do it, anyone can.
Yesterday, before I went to school the car was completely covered in a bountiful coating of pollen, the actual offspring of the plants- as I have learned in Botany. I started washing it off and thought, "What the hell am I doing?" Not about washing my car but about going to school. I have been freaking out because last semester I made all B's with only two A's. The two A's were in Greek and Hiking. The classes that really mattered to me were the classes in which I made B's. Well, this semester, yeah. Let's just say, it'll be B's again. I guess it's not that bad considering how distracted I have been. Going to school, when you have kids to play with it hard but it'll be worth it for everyone in the end. We had a car die, that sucked. I have been sick continuously throughout the semester. The mother load of them all was finding out that my stuff was more potent than we thought! lol. Anyway, on my way to school......I thought, I am not by myself, I got to spend time with my cousin right before my car broke down, my kids are healthy, beautiful and great, I have no terminal illness, at least it was a blast making that little growing blastula(the baby) and our little niece has been taken off of chemo. I might not be making straight A's but I am going to an awesome school, not doing that badly and in the end I will achieve my goals. Another bonus, for some reason I love German Shepherds. This semester I finally got an awesome dog. I have had a blast working with her and learning more about dog training.
I have no idea why I am even posting this other than, I am taking a break from studying for an amazingly and ridiculously hard lab final. For any of you who actually read this, you must be really bored or know that I read your blogs! lol

New Baby- Due October 17th 2008

2009-01-20T00:44:00.000-08:00

!!NEW BABY!! Due the 17th of October!

Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Well yeah, you read it right. The Hutchersons are making way for baby number 3! While we were not actively trying to have another child, we were actively participating in the "art of baby making". Okay, that is obvious! We are getting excited now. Corban has named the baby "Belle". Judah says mommy has babies in her tummy. Daddy, doesn't know what the heck is going happening. LOL Mommy is buying a crib, changing table and anything else she can get her hands on at the moment. I guess that is about it for now! Pray for a healthy baby!